PG,

Ouch. Did she give a reason for denying your request or did she just say that you need to stick to your regular times?

I think that for someone doing trauma work that it is important to have a T that is accessible and able to meet your needs (within reason of course). It may be that you need someone who is available to offer you more time and has a little more flexibility. It doesn't mean that your T isn't good or that either of you did anything wrong, but if you don't feel that her schedule or her boundaries will permit you to have your needs met while you process this trauma then perhaps it would be best to shop around a bit and see if there is someone out there that would be a better fit.

((((hugs)))) I'm sorry that things didn't go well today, especially after such a long break.

PG I'm so sorry that your T was so unresponsive to your very reasonable request for extra sessions while processing some difficult trauma memories. You must feel really rejected to have gone and cancelled all future appointments.

Believe me I know how hard it is to leave a T (or be forced to leave one)and how that impacts us especially with how we view ourselves and our needs. Even my oldT would grant me extra sessions if we were processing something difficult for me. And I could call or email him. After losing him and searching for a new T, I discounted many of them because they did not offer me outside contact.

This newT I'm now seeing has a generous contact policy. At the first session he made sure I knew I could email him and in this last session he gave me his cell number and his beeper. This was one of the reasons I decided to stay with him. I saw another T who was really intelligent and well trained in trauma but no contact outside of session and his very limited availablity concerned me and so I didn't stay with him.

I think it's reasonable for you to ask for limited extra sessions and I don't think your T handled this well. If you are really attached to her then I would explain to her how her response made you feel and again ask for what you need. If you find you cannot ever ask her for something again, then I would say that your therapy is going to be compromised because this is a big part of trauma therapy... learning to ask for what you need and in getting some of those needs met... or at least having honest and open discussion as to why the T feels they need to deny your request.

Big hugs to you during this difficult time. I say if she is really important to you then try to repair this... if not, then look for a new T who has more flexibility in their schedule and is more open to outside contact.

We are here for you.
TN

Knowing that my T is available makes a lot of difference. I do see him twice a week and can email/text/call. But I seldom do more than email. Knowing there is no restriction is very reassuring during trauma therapy. Your T has made a major faux pas, IMHO. And I can relate totaly to the appointment canceling. I find it a natural reaction, punishing, if you will. And sometimes it takes a 2x4 to get the point across.

It will be interesting to see how she reacts to that. You deserve better!!!!

((((((((((Preppie Girl))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about this, PG. Personally I think your request was really understandable and reasonable and I totally understand why you would want more contact if you're going to be going into trauma work. To be honest I thought "tops 2 weeks" would not be nearly long enough for extra appointments...so no, not unreasonable at ALL, IMO.

Your T is certainly entitled to her boundaries, of course, but it sounds like her response to you lacked warmth or understanding of why you would even be asking that. I can really understand why that stung. One thing I really want to say is it is perfectly okay to want and/or need more in-depth therapy, IMO...and if this T can't give it, to look for another T. In fact I'm finding myself in a similar place right now with our couples T...even though I've asked for more, he seems unwilling or unable to give it...and I've concluded it's time to move on...but the realization has been painful and disappointing.

By the way...I don't think AG would mind me saying she will be away from her computer till Sunday or Monday...I just wanted to let you know because I saw you asked her for some words of wisdom. And I totally agree with you, I wish there were a way to mail-order T's like AG's or TN's.

Big hugs to you PG,
SG

PG,

I'm glad that you were able to reach out and leave a message for T. My guess is that she doesn't return calls until Monday so hopefully you will hear from her today.

I'm sorry it is so hard. Have you thought about whether you want to try to look for someone who is more available or are you going to try to stick with this T?

Hi PG,

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult and painful place right now. The only suggestion I would have right now would be to try not to take it personally that she hasn't called you back yet. Which I know sounds a whole lot easier than it really is.

STRM recently started a thread about boundaries that might help you feel a little bit better while you are waiting. One of the things that really helped me is AG's explanation that a person's boundaries are about them, not about you. Here is a link back to that thread:

Fear of crossing boundaries

The only other thing I would suggest is to do exactly what you are doing...keep coming back here and talking when you need to in order to help you get through this...so at least you don't have to walk through it alone. This is really tough stuff. Hang in there, PG.

Hugs to you,
SG

Hi PG,
Sorry about not responding earlier (as SG posted I was away for the weekend with no internet access. Thanks SG!)

Stick through the whole reply as the beginning may not sound so good to you! I think you’re in a very difficult situation. I think your T has every right to set her boundaries where she feels comfortable (as I said in the other thread SG linked to, a person’s boundaries say a lot about them and nothing about you.). And I feel this is especially important because I often feel like the worst injuries in therapy grow out of a T not being aware of what they can and cannot do which leads to promising the client something they can’t carry through on. So from that standpoint, the fact that your T is so clear about what she’s willing to do, while being incredibly painful, is also an indication of safety with her. You may not like that there are some things you can’t get from her, but you can absolutely trust that you will get from her what she says she’ll give. I know that because it’s what I experienced with my T.

But here’s the part I find problematic. While she has every right to tell you no about something, I do think she needs to be understanding about how that no makes you feel and be very open to discussing it. Just saying no, with a “you need to deal with it” attitude is not a good place to go with client, especially a trauma client. My T explained to me a great number of times that it’s not hearing a yes that’s important (he was going back and talking about childhood development, which was appropriate since we were trying to heal my development gone awry) for a child, it’s being heard and understood even when the answer is no. That’s what makes us feel like we matter.

I usually saw my T once a week, but didn’t have a regular appointment. This drove me kind of bonkers. I posted in a old thread about this Where do I start?

But while he was really clear he couldn’t do it, he was also very compassionate and understanding about how I felt. I also had to deal with a very clear no about getting a hug, but once again, we discussed how I felt about that over several sessions (it came up occasionally in our work. Actually his boundaries were a pretty constant theme.).

And I will say that I found it possible to accept those limitations because of his accessibility in other ways, especially outside contact. He was available by email and phone 24/7, including vacations. Which made it easier to get through those weeks between vacations.

There were also a couple of occasions when things were bad when I did come in more often. It only happened a handful of times because I wasn’t willing to ask all that often and his schedule was so full that it was often impossible to get another appointment, but if he had an opening there was no problem with me taking it. But in all the time I have been in therapy with both my therapists I’ve never gone more often than once a week on a regular basis.

So I think you face the difficult decision (and BG is right, this is where your power in the relationship lies) of whether or not you can work within your Ts boundaries? I know for me that the lack of a regular appointment, the no hug policy and the fact that my T would occasionally take a phone call during sessions were all difficult especially because NONE of these were true of my first therapist, but after being able to express all my feelings and be heard and thinking it through, I decided that what I WAS getting with my T was worth sticking through what I wasn’t getting. But I think it would have been totally legitimate if I had decided differently. They get their boundaries and we get ours. If there is something reasonable we know we need in order to heal, we have a right to go looking for it.

I’m sorry that your T didn’t return your phone call, but if she doesn’t handle between session calls, she may very well not get her messages until her next work day. One thing I appreciated about my T is that he explained in a great amount of detail (after a few problems occured ) exactly how his answering service worked, so I understood what to expect. He was never very consistent about email and we had a lot of problems with it (a close friend practically forbade me to email him for a while becaues she (very rightfully so!) couldn’t take what I put myself and her through while waiting for an answer ) so if it was really important to get a response, I phoned. Although I must admit, even knowing, very clearly, that calls were ok with my T, I still often struggled over calling, worried that it was too much or not warrented.

So I agree with a lot of the other responses. If you believe you want to try and repair this, I would go in and be as honest as you can be with your T about how you felt about what happened and about her boundaries. It may be that if she can hear you, you may find them more livable. Or she’ll make them very clear and you can at least find clarity about whether you’re willing to live with them or not. Please know that while what I’m saying sounds straightforward, I know in practice it’s anything but. These are difficult emotional waters and can be so confusing when you’re trying to sort through your feelings about your T and your feelings about their boundaries (often QUITE different things). Keep posting here PG so you can know you’re not alone. I hope you’re able to work this through in a way which allows you to get your legitimate needs met.

AG