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((((PUPPET))))
You just don't know right now if she is really ill or not. Chances are she is following her doctor's advice not to work and just heal. We all feel bad when someone doesn't acknowledge us. It has to be SO incredibly hard not to be able to have any contact at all. Of course you are concerned about her. Of course you want to reach out to her to let her know you are thinking about her and hoping she is healing. It can't feel good to feel as though your good wishes aren't appreciated. Don't just quit because she didn't respond. Talk to her about it all when she gets back to work. Your feelings sound incredibly normal to me.
quote:and then there is the guilt!!.... what if something did happen, what if she is really ill?!.....
i had reached my limit tho.... i did too much waiting when i was small, waited and waited and waited.... and nobody came..... so i just couldnt do it any longer!!...
does this make me a horrible person?!
or am i standing up for myself and i just said no, its enough!??
You just don't know right now if she is really ill or not. Chances are she is following her doctor's advice not to work and just heal. We all feel bad when someone doesn't acknowledge us. It has to be SO incredibly hard not to be able to have any contact at all. Of course you are concerned about her. Of course you want to reach out to her to let her know you are thinking about her and hoping she is healing. It can't feel good to feel as though your good wishes aren't appreciated. Don't just quit because she didn't respond. Talk to her about it all when she gets back to work. Your feelings sound incredibly normal to me.
HI Puppet,
I can really understand how you must feel. My T has had surgery too, and I've not heard from her for more than a month now, even though she told me she would reply to emails if she could. I have learned to trust her to do what's best. Normally what's best means 'what's best for me'. But, given the circumstances, I think this time 'what's best' means 'what's best for her'. And if not responding to clients' emails is what's best, then - even though I absolutely hate not knowing how she's doing - I trust her.
Take care! you're T will be back!
I can really understand how you must feel. My T has had surgery too, and I've not heard from her for more than a month now, even though she told me she would reply to emails if she could. I have learned to trust her to do what's best. Normally what's best means 'what's best for me'. But, given the circumstances, I think this time 'what's best' means 'what's best for her'. And if not responding to clients' emails is what's best, then - even though I absolutely hate not knowing how she's doing - I trust her.
Take care! you're T will be back!
I've also "quit" by email several times with my P and I think I felt a bit as you do, seeing it as a test, would he ask me back. He didn't, but he assured me that I was always welcomed back whenever I chose to return, which I did. I would return because quitting would only provide temporary relief.
I know I did this because of trust issues, but I wouldn't let this situation erode your trust in your T. Since she had planned to be out for 6 weeks for this surgery, she may not be doing any work at all, including emails.
I know it's hard to wait and not get a response. It doesn't make you a horrible person to want to get some sort of relief.
Hopefully you will get a chance to talk to her about all of this once she returns.
I know I did this because of trust issues, but I wouldn't let this situation erode your trust in your T. Since she had planned to be out for 6 weeks for this surgery, she may not be doing any work at all, including emails.
I know it's hard to wait and not get a response. It doesn't make you a horrible person to want to get some sort of relief.
Hopefully you will get a chance to talk to her about all of this once she returns.
Hi Puppet,
Hang on in there.
I am sure if T has not replied to your e-mail, it is because she is simply not well enough.
Thinking of you!
Hang on in there.
I am sure if T has not replied to your e-mail, it is because she is simply not well enough.
Thinking of you!
oh my... i am overwhelmed!!
liese, thank you! you're probably right, i just havent been able to see reason lately... i'm afraid my reasons for reaching out to her are probably more selfish then that. this really goes back to my childhood, i think i was left on my own a lot as a baby, i dont really have clear memories but just a sense of waiting and waiting and getting smaller and smaller and more and more insignificant and forgotten. like i didn't exist anymore... i guess i was feeling the same way and i felt i had to do something to stop it.
mayflower, i'm so sorry you're going through this as well! more than a month?! how do you cope? the fact that you can trust her on this is impressive. i am a worrier and i dont know how to stop. thank you so much for writing!
summer, that sounds painful. were you serious about quiting at the time and he just took your word for it? i'm afraid i'm also gonna go back with the tail between my legs, but a small protest on her part would mean a lot... thank you for sharing, maybe i should be realistic and expect her to take it as what i said (i quit).
irishgirl, thank you! we never had a chance to talk about it properly (read, the last session before the break i was kinda frozen and didnt say much) so she never said if she can reply to emails etc. i can understand about the emails, but i thought it doesnt take that much effort to check your voicemail... clearly i was wrong..... or it could be that she is still in hospital or something... i worry but i feel like a fraud about it (because it is more about poor me rather than concern for her.... i dont know i get confused about it... but i do feel i have become my mother.... not in a good way)
starlight, thank you for your voice of reason and for continuing to check in on me! i hope you're doing ok too, i know you've got a hard road ahead!
i do feel like an idiot now for my email, like a child throwing a tantrum... your support is overwhelming and it helps fight my self loathing right now. thank you all!
puppet
liese, thank you! you're probably right, i just havent been able to see reason lately... i'm afraid my reasons for reaching out to her are probably more selfish then that. this really goes back to my childhood, i think i was left on my own a lot as a baby, i dont really have clear memories but just a sense of waiting and waiting and getting smaller and smaller and more and more insignificant and forgotten. like i didn't exist anymore... i guess i was feeling the same way and i felt i had to do something to stop it.
mayflower, i'm so sorry you're going through this as well! more than a month?! how do you cope? the fact that you can trust her on this is impressive. i am a worrier and i dont know how to stop. thank you so much for writing!
summer, that sounds painful. were you serious about quiting at the time and he just took your word for it? i'm afraid i'm also gonna go back with the tail between my legs, but a small protest on her part would mean a lot... thank you for sharing, maybe i should be realistic and expect her to take it as what i said (i quit).
irishgirl, thank you! we never had a chance to talk about it properly (read, the last session before the break i was kinda frozen and didnt say much) so she never said if she can reply to emails etc. i can understand about the emails, but i thought it doesnt take that much effort to check your voicemail... clearly i was wrong..... or it could be that she is still in hospital or something... i worry but i feel like a fraud about it (because it is more about poor me rather than concern for her.... i dont know i get confused about it... but i do feel i have become my mother.... not in a good way)
starlight, thank you for your voice of reason and for continuing to check in on me! i hope you're doing ok too, i know you've got a hard road ahead!
i do feel like an idiot now for my email, like a child throwing a tantrum... your support is overwhelming and it helps fight my self loathing right now. thank you all!
puppet
Hi Puppet,
Don't feel bad, any T who has an ounce of understanding will know why you have done this. And it's hard for you having no communication at all, it gives your mind an opportunity to run riot and imagine all sorts. If T is off sick then she probably won't be looking at emails; I know myself if I am off, once I look at work emails I always regret doing so
because I am not in a position to respond properly or take action.
I think I wrote in another thread recently that my T and I have an agreement that I will not terminate her by email and she will not accept one either. That's because she understands that simetimes emotions can run ahead of what we really want to do; maybe when you do see T you can make such an agreement. It gives me a lot of reassurance IF I were to write something I later regretted.
I am sure she will realise why this has happened, I hope she recovers quickly and you can get back to your sessions.
Take care,
starfishy
Don't feel bad, any T who has an ounce of understanding will know why you have done this. And it's hard for you having no communication at all, it gives your mind an opportunity to run riot and imagine all sorts. If T is off sick then she probably won't be looking at emails; I know myself if I am off, once I look at work emails I always regret doing so
because I am not in a position to respond properly or take action.I think I wrote in another thread recently that my T and I have an agreement that I will not terminate her by email and she will not accept one either. That's because she understands that simetimes emotions can run ahead of what we really want to do; maybe when you do see T you can make such an agreement. It gives me a lot of reassurance IF I were to write something I later regretted.
I am sure she will realise why this has happened, I hope she recovers quickly and you can get back to your sessions.
Take care,
starfishy
Hi Puppet,
At first, I probably didn't come right out and say that I was quitting and never coming back. Instead, I would explain why I was canceling my next appt and why I may be taking a break. I think at times I would hope he would ask for more details or suggest that I come in to discuss it, but instead he just allowed me to make the decision, knowing that he would be there for me if I changed my mind.
Not too long ago, I did angrily quit and even said I was quite certain that I was done, and then days later, had to swallow my pride and ask for another appt. He has been so gracious when I've returned, and he understands that my issues with trust have a lot to do with my previous bad therapy experience.
I think part of it comes from a desire to have some control in the relationship. You may feel as if you nave no control right now because she's unavailable and it's scary to think she's sick as you wait for her to recover, so canceling or quitting may give you a sense of control, during this very unsettling time.
Can you possibly contact her office and ask a secretary or coworker how she is doing?
I hope the time passes quickly for you and I hope you don't worry too much about how she may react to your email. I imagine she will be very understanding.
At first, I probably didn't come right out and say that I was quitting and never coming back. Instead, I would explain why I was canceling my next appt and why I may be taking a break. I think at times I would hope he would ask for more details or suggest that I come in to discuss it, but instead he just allowed me to make the decision, knowing that he would be there for me if I changed my mind.
Not too long ago, I did angrily quit and even said I was quite certain that I was done, and then days later, had to swallow my pride and ask for another appt. He has been so gracious when I've returned, and he understands that my issues with trust have a lot to do with my previous bad therapy experience.
I think part of it comes from a desire to have some control in the relationship. You may feel as if you nave no control right now because she's unavailable and it's scary to think she's sick as you wait for her to recover, so canceling or quitting may give you a sense of control, during this very unsettling time.
Can you possibly contact her office and ask a secretary or coworker how she is doing?
I hope the time passes quickly for you and I hope you don't worry too much about how she may react to your email. I imagine she will be very understanding.
UPDATE : i chickened out and have sent her another email to say ignore the previous one! 
can't say i'm happy about this either... i feel like shit either way....
starfishy,
thank you for your concern too! that's probably a good agreement to have... but it will make me feel like my emails mean nothing... anyway, its not like i have much credibility left at the moment...
hi summer,
thanks for sharing. you're right, it is all about control! now i feel like i gave the little control that i had gained (or the illusion) back! but the prospect of her taking my quitting seriously was too much if i am going to quit eventually, i have to let her know first what my limits are and what i cant take, and if she cant at least try to meet me where i'm at, then its over.
she works from home and i have called and left a message on the only number that i have for her. i have another number for the agency that referred me to her, but i dont know exactly what their relationship is to her.
hi redtomato,
waiting is also impossibly hard for me! i remember reading on another thread recently that you quit with a note and that your T took it seriously!! that sounds really scary and awful! were you able to make things right with your T? and why do you think she responded like that? if you want to share that is, and thank you for your post!
puppet
can't say i'm happy about this either... i feel like shit either way....
starfishy,
thank you for your concern too! that's probably a good agreement to have... but it will make me feel like my emails mean nothing... anyway, its not like i have much credibility left at the moment...
hi summer,
thanks for sharing. you're right, it is all about control! now i feel like i gave the little control that i had gained (or the illusion) back! but the prospect of her taking my quitting seriously was too much
if i am going to quit eventually, i have to let her know first what my limits are and what i cant take, and if she cant at least try to meet me where i'm at, then its over. she works from home and i have called and left a message on the only number that i have for her. i have another number for the agency that referred me to her, but i dont know exactly what their relationship is to her.
hi redtomato,
waiting is also impossibly hard for me! i remember reading on another thread recently that you quit with a note and that your T took it seriously!! that sounds really scary and awful! were you able to make things right with your T? and why do you think she responded like that? if you want to share that is, and thank you for your post!
puppet
((((PUPPET))))
My last T used to say it was always better to come in and talk about it when I was upset about something. The whole incident would make most of us here feel incredibly vulnerable too. Hopefully you will be happy you sent the second email. Maybe eventually we will all become comfortable acknowledging that other (specific) people are important to us and the way they interact with us does affect us, that things do hurt and it's okay to feel hurt.
From RedTomoato
I read once that people who function well don't read negative intent into ambiguous situations. I'm starting to see how important that is more and more because I tend to freak when I don't get positive reactions from people when I reach out to them. A lot of the time it doesn't have anything to do with me. (Sometimes it does, though.)
So, Red, I think that goal is awesome - and the other one as well.
My last T used to say it was always better to come in and talk about it when I was upset about something. The whole incident would make most of us here feel incredibly vulnerable too. Hopefully you will be happy you sent the second email. Maybe eventually we will all become comfortable acknowledging that other (specific) people are important to us and the way they interact with us does affect us, that things do hurt and it's okay to feel hurt.
From RedTomoato
quote:So, I have two goals in my therapy:
1) learn to tolerate uncertainty
I read once that people who function well don't read negative intent into ambiguous situations. I'm starting to see how important that is more and more because I tend to freak when I don't get positive reactions from people when I reach out to them. A lot of the time it doesn't have anything to do with me. (Sometimes it does, though.)
So, Red, I think that goal is awesome - and the other one as well.
thank you liese!
i'm just over it.... want to forget the whole thing...
puppet
i'm just over it.... want to forget the whole thing...
puppet
i'm really sorry i took so long to reply... during the week i have let work take over and be a distraction, as i still havent heard from my T... i'm not even counting anymore...
cat, thank you for your words, i really appreciate it!
red, i'm glad you are back on track with her... i guess they all have their way of doing things, and if it works then fine. i think it would have scared me off, but i tend to be oversensitive sometimes.
puppet
cat, thank you for your words, i really appreciate it!
red, i'm glad you are back on track with her... i guess they all have their way of doing things, and if it works then fine. i think it would have scared me off, but i tend to be oversensitive sometimes.
puppet
UPDATE
she finally replied to my email... she said she was away and just got back.
the relief that i felt for a second or two quickly turned into anger
i just really wish she had told me she wouldnt be available via email / phone during this time.
anywway, back to the waiting game now (only 8 days though) and then maybe i can tell her some of this in person (hopefully i dont chicken out)
thank you to everyone who helped me, i dont know what i would have done without your support, i was really going mad
puppet
she finally replied to my email... she said she was away and just got back.
the relief that i felt for a second or two quickly turned into anger
i just really wish she had told me she wouldnt be available via email / phone during this time.
anywway, back to the waiting game now (only 8 days though) and then maybe i can tell her some of this in person (hopefully i dont chicken out)
thank you to everyone who helped me, i dont know what i would have done without your support, i was really going mad
puppet
(((puppet))) That must have been hugely scary to not hear for so long. I'm glad it was a mistake, but it sure would have been good to know if outside contact would have been unavailable, especially if it's something you have been used to having (replies to emails) in the past. I do hope you can talk to her about how this whole issue felt and experience her acceptance.
I'm glad it was a mistake, but it sure would have been good to know if outside contact would have been unavailable, especially if it's something you have been used to having (replies to emails) in the past. I do hope you can talk to her about how this whole issue felt and experience her acceptance.
Glad you finally heard and at least you now know that she did not reply because she was not there and had not read it!
She was not ignoring you!!
Of course it would have been good to know that she would be out of contact, but maybe due to the nature of her illness it was just not feasable.
I am at least grateful that your experience prompted me to makes sure that T has my telephone numbersaved in her phone and knows that I really need her to at least send me a message when she goes to hospital to have her baby, even if it is not my appointment time. She knows I am worried about it and has promised she will send me a message at the time and update that everything is Ok after the birth.
So thank you for that!
After such a long time 8 days will go very quickly. I am sure she will want to hear and explore all your feelings about her abscence.
Good luck!
((((PUPPET))))
So glad you heard back from her and that she had been away. I can understand how frustrating it would be to not know that and be waiting for a return email or call.
So glad you heard back from her and that she had been away. I can understand how frustrating it would be to not know that and be waiting for a return email or call.
aww thank you guys for being happy for me!!
i think i am happy and relieved too, somewhere deep down, its mixed up with other feelings right now...maybe its that i just dont want to let her off the hook that easy so i have an angry face but i'm smiling inside
((anon)) ((starlight)) ((liese))
hmmm... its the 'exploring all my feelings about her abscence i'm not looking forward to'!
starlight, i'm really glad this prompted you to anticipate and ask for what you need from your T
hugs again,
puppet
i think i am happy and relieved too, somewhere deep down, its mixed up with other feelings right now...maybe its that i just dont want to let her off the hook that easy so i have an angry face but i'm smiling inside
((anon)) ((starlight)) ((liese))
hmmm... its the 'exploring all my feelings about her abscence i'm not looking forward to'!
starlight, i'm really glad this prompted you to anticipate and ask for what you need from your T
hugs again,
puppet
(((((Puppet))))) I thought I'd posted before to say how pleased I felt when you withdrew the 'I quit' message - clearly not - sorry 
!!
Surprise me!!! This probably will be at the heart of everything Puppet - if you possibly can, say something about your feelings but warn of the need to go slowly!! You seem to be almost ready to speak of your needs!! Just saying!!!s
quote:its the 'exploring all my feelings about her absence i'm not looking forward to'!
Surprise me!!! This probably will be at the heart of everything Puppet - if you possibly can, say something about your feelings but warn of the need to go slowly!! You seem to be almost ready to speak of your needs!! Just saying!!!
s
Oh puppet I am thrilled for you! The relief (and the rage maybe) that must be flowing through you. Big hugs xx
thank you sweet morgs! you always send your support and hugs on the coundown thread so nothing was missed!
ok, i will try
greeneyes, thank you! and you're right! and i'm exhausted...
i'll let you know how it goes after, but i might not post before my session as i like to stew in my own 'juices' before an important session... we'll see, i might come here to say i am running away and hiding
puppet
ok, i will try
greeneyes, thank you! and you're right! and i'm exhausted...
i'll let you know how it goes after, but i might not post before my session as i like to stew in my own 'juices' before an important session... we'll see, i might come here to say i am running away and hiding
puppet