I reposted this from my blog because I don't know if people read there. I am heartbroken and feel so alone.

Too hard to explain all the things that happened in the last two days that have brought me to this point. I think the summary is that therapy has stirred up things that are too hard for me to manage and T can’t help me contain myself. I can’t sleep properly at night. It is going on 5 nights with less than 4 hours sleep and I feel exhausted. I feel myself nodding off anytime I sit still for too long (not good for driving) but if I try to go to my bed and sleep I toss and turn. I can’t see T until Monday and even if I could I don’t know that we could talk about enough to help. Every conversation or interaction seems to link up to a tsunami of feelings that can’t be expressed until the next time. I am too ashamed to tell anyone else in my life. I can’t blame T if I was being reasonable (which I’m not) because I already see him twice a week. He answers my emails or phone calls almost always if he gets them (I send to his office and sometimes he isn’t there when I think he will be). At the end of Wednesday’s session he encouraged me to tell him more even though it meant we went over the hour. It doesn’t feel like enough. I hurt too much. I want to die but I can’t because I have three kids. I feel like I am living for them just like I spent years living for my parents, trying to be happy and what they wanted. I owe my children because I gave birth to them and so I need to be the best mother I can be even if that means burying some of my own pain and feelings in order to be more stable for them. I couldn’t help myself and I sent off an angry email at T though because yesterday he said I could call and connect with him and then whenever I called after he sent me an email and I knew he was in the office and available he had the answering machine on so I just got that annoying high-pitched sound. I didn’t get his answering machine until after he went into session and he will be too busy to call. I told him I thought he could have handled things better by yelling and screaming and telling me to get lost or by calling me himself. Either of those actions I would have understood clearly instead I am left feeling like he was avoiding talking to me but not knowing for sure.

I haven’t quit therapy in a long time. I used to quit much more often and he would tell me that it was my choice and that he hoped I would give us a chance to talk through what he had done that upset me. I always did because after a few hours (or days, or minutes in some cases) I would want to talk to him and give him a chance to tell me he hadn’t ignored me because he didn’t care about me or that he hadn’t been able to give something the time it deserved because he was responding by email so how I felt was valid but when we talked about it further I felt better about it. I think this time I know he cares and isn’t maliciously trying to hurt me (okay there is a little doubt). I think what is happening to me is too much for me to handle right now. This time I am not quitting because of something he did wrong. I’m quitting because it is too much, too dangerous for me right now. When I want to change my mind on sunday night or Monday morning I am going to keep reminding myself of this. Just because other people can heal this way doesn’t mean I can. Just because I want to be able to talk about all my memories and feelings more than anything doesn’t mean I can. I can stop, right.