((((TURTLE)))))

Thanks Liese. I just want to crawl under a rock and give up. I have been in therapy for so long and I am tired of all the pain that surrounds this treatment.

(((Turtle))) -

I'm so sorry your struggling. I get it. Therapy is very painful. I am currently taking a therapy break as well. I don't think there is anything wrong with a break, but I do worry about not discussing it with T first as a break. It sounds like you left abruptly and that can leave unresolved feelings. Hang in there. You are in my thoughts.

Thanks

So I go to see my T today anyway because she encouraged me to do so. So what happens? At the end of the session she tells me she has not been paid a dime by my insurance company for the last 3 months (That's how long I have seen her) She says she thinks she will eventually get paid but wanted me to know that it wasn't about the money for her. That she cares about me. This really made me feel like crap. I left my body I was so upset. I refused to schedule a new appointment. I told her to call me when or if she gets the finances figured out. I feel like my life is over.

(((turtle))) it's not your fault! insurance companies in general suck. it'll get ironed out i'm sure. in the meantime though, be gentle with yourself, it's not your fault and your T knows that. hugs (((turtle)))

Thank you CL. I feel I can't wait to see if it will work out. I feel devastated. I can't go see her anymore. She wants me to but I can't risk a huge bill and plus I already feel that I burden her so this just feels horrible. I want to give up so badly. My life is so bad anyway. I live such a wretched life. This just made it worse. I wish if she truly had wanted to keep working with me inspite of not getting paid then she should not have told me about it. I have never felt worse in my life. My mom is dead, my dog is dead. Even though I could not stand him my dad is dead. All this happened in the last 2 years. I can't stop crying.

Turtle
Both my parents died by the time I was 27. I know what its like to feel like you have noThing and nobody xx

Hi turtle... you have been working with this T for such a short period of times there are bound to be misunderstandings abou things. Your T felt that it would be reassuring for you to understand that it's not money that motivates her care for you but unfortunately she made the wrong call and it backfired. But she is only human and her intentions were good. So you now need to go back and talk about it and about how her comments made you feel. The therapy relationship and trust is built on a history of disruption and repair and how well that is done. And also, that having a disagreement or feeling hurt does not end the relationship. It's just something to be discussed. This also helps her to know you better and you will discover why you had the reaction to her comment that you did.

My T and I are very close and attached. I adore him and I know he truly cares about me. But this did not come easy. We had many disruptions, some so serious I felt at the time they were dealbreakers. He has also said things to me and about me that offended me. So I would just go back the next session and tell him off LOL. Sometimes he explained his comments and other times he apologized for being wrong. That is how relationships work.

I am sorry you feel alone and so sad. You are not alone here and we will try to support you through this. Is this your first therapist? My therapist believes that he does not really know a patient until at least two years of sessions. Then the work begins. I see him twice a week for 2.5 years now. It is only in the past 6 months that I feel so much affection for him and even since then we have had a few bumps in the road.

Give yourself and T time and if she is a good T, it will be the most rewarding relationship of your life. Give her another chance and give yourself the gift of therapy. You deserve to heal.

Be well,
TN

TN is right. You keep going back and talking about these things, even when it seems impossible, and that is how therapy happens.

Well thanks and you guys are the voice of reason when I am not. I am not reacting well to this at all. I am so tired of the pain. I never drink and I just started drinking right now. The last time I drank was a watered down beer over a year ago. I abhor drinking. The weekend is coming and that is very hard for me. I feel angry at her now. I feel one of two things. One she should have told me sooner or she should not have told me at all if she really believes she will eventually get paid. I have no idea if I am going to be hit with a large bill or not. I have been in therapy for a very long time. Yes this is a new therapist but I have had a lot of therapy. I don't like seeing someone who is not being paid.

Thanks Poppet. You guys are wiser than I am. I was in the effing psych ward for a while yesterday. She called on me. Police took my bike. I will probably never see my bike again and oddly that upsets me more than anything. She wants me to see her again on Monday. Normally I would be tempted but this time I am not. I really have gotten to the point where I don't think I care to see her again. Since I started seeing this therapist she has called the police on me numerous times and I have ended up in acute psychiatric care twice. All of this in a 3 month span. Prior to this I was last hospitalized over 12 years ago. Before that it had been over 5 years. So once in 17 years I was in the hospital. I have now since starting with this therapist 3 months ago been in the hospital twice. I guess I really have to look at that. I am probably sharing more here than I should. Sorry if I upset anyone. Something seriously has changed in me. My mom died about 18 months ago and since then I feel I have no family or connection. I have slowly gotten worse over time. I find it hard to find reasons to get up every day. I guess I never thought I'd end up like this. Yet at the same time I feel I am done with therapy. I have had a lot of therapy. I am considering teaching myself buddhism and mindfulness etc. Skip this therapy stuff.

I have 6 older siblings and I have to say that I have grown to despise them. They treat me badly and I think I need to get away from them. They judge me and insult me severely. To the point where I have talked of the insults in group therapy only to have the group make a collective gasp. I really pretty much abhor my siblings. I think it would be best to shut them out of my life completely.

Turtle you sound depressed, scared, angry, hopeless and very alone.
I can understand why you want to pull away from relationships when there is so much hurt and grief about. But I suspect you will end up feeling worse. It's love and support that carries us through the hard times and it sounds like your T is trying to be there for you and also keep you safe.
Nothing can make up for what you've lost but there are people here who care and will help you through this most difficult time. Huge hugs to you xx

Thanks Greeneyes. Yes relationships are very important. I have some very good friends who I have known for decades. They are good people and would give me the shirt off of their backs if necessary and I in turn would do the same for them. So that is a good thing huh? I think it is more that I am doing some spring cleaning here. I am sure that T means well but there is something about her that just sets me on edge. I like her and I would miss her but honestly my life has been so disrupted since I started seeing her that I really have to consider it. Hugs to you Greeneyes and the rest of you.