Hi Kashley -

Ugh, cancellations truly do suck! All that mental energy that goes into preparing....

Same with the email, too: it was a really big deal for you to send this, so I can understand the agony.

I want to make a suggestion that probably sounds about as appealing as dog-detritus: what about sending her a second email, a gentle reminder of the first, and asking what you were thinking of asking before - whether she might be able to take you as a private client? You could let her know that you don't want to bother her, but that you have decided that getting some good help is important to you....

Look at me putting words in your mouth!! I don't know if this is the kind of thing that you feel up to doing, or how you might do it in your own words - I just know that I really have struggled a lot with asking for stuff in my life too. Somehow it's easier if I can think of the kind of thing I could say.

And part of my reasoning here is this: you are already in agony - in a sense you don't have too much to lose here. And it's possible if you grit your teeth and put yourself out there a little more you might get what you need.... I don't know, who knows what would happen....but I do know that if it DOESN'T work, and whatever you do, we will still be here to support you and to hear your feelings about it. Take care K.

J

Hi Jones,

Thank you for your understanding and help. I'm so frustrated, because I know what I could and should do (send her another email), but I don't know if I can. Ugh, it makes me feel so weak when I say that sort of thing. There have been so many times where I should have taken more initiative, but I just don't have the bravery to do it. I desperately wish I could. The thing that gets me is that I know that it will help me, but I still can't do it, and I just don't understand that.

One thing I realized earlier today is that with everyone that is older than me (even by just a year), I feel like a child. I don't act like one, but I keep my opinions to myself for fear of being wrong or dismissed entirely. I know this stems from how I feel around my parents, because any time I'm around them, it's like I mentally regress back to my submissive, obedient childhood state of mind. And I have to (to tolerate them and get through our time together without constant shouting matches), because they don't accept that I am an adult with thoughts, feelings, and opinions. But I do this with nearly everyone, and it keeps me from doing so many things that I could.

Hi Kashley, is it possible the T did not get your email? I would email my T to cancel appts and she always emailed back to let me know she got the email. One time she did not email back and I called her and she had not received my email. II am sure cyberspace is full of lost emails. Sure hope they don't collide with earth one day.

Hi Kashley - I know the feeling about asking anyone for anything. It has always been my biggest hangup. I learned early on to take care of myself and not to depend on anyone. However, I can also see where that has led me into alot of isolation too. It is possible that your T didn't get your e-mail so maybe if you don't want to write another one, maybe you can just resend the one you already sent. This way you don't have to think about anything and just close your eyes and hit the send button again. Just a thought.

As for your group, that is so disappointing when you try and prep yourself for something and then you feel like you are ready and they cancel. As much as I never liked group, I would prepare myself big time for it and if it was cancelled I would get so mad! Then the relief would set in because I figured I had another week to prep myself again. Maybe by prepping for another week you will be even better prepared for the "judging" from them? I used to get judged because I really didn't have anything to say in group. Mostly because talking is hard for me and also because I was afraid of getting judged. Either way it was always tough on me.

I hope you get a better response from your T from your next e-mail.

Smiley

I have thought, several times, that maybe she didn't get the email...maybe I'll send another email asking if she got my first one. I think I could manage that.

And I am feeling a little bit of relief about group at this point, but I really wanted to get this next-session-after-they-grilled-me over with. The positive about this is that there are only two left, so I'm guessing the focus will be more about the group dynamics and such over the course of the sessions. Maybe.

Thanks, everyone.

I didn't feel like it was worth starting a new thread, so I didn't.

I emailed my T to see if she got my last email, and within about an hour I got one back that said that she thought she had responded but she hadn't. She gave me several names and numbers that I could call.

Here's the pathetic thing...I'm scared to call anyone! I know it's irrational, but I am. I think I'm going to be too scared to ask any questions on the phone, and I don't know what to do about that.

Any advice?

Hey Kashley - Getting nervous and then trying to talk is a big one for me too. What I try to do is just spit out that I need a therapist and that I'm really nervous about it. I say I know there's alot of questions I need to ask you but maybe we could do that in person? Or, sometimes I'm a little smarter than I think and I right the questions down before I call. I kind of just recite them and usually forget what they say because I'm so nervous. It usually does help though.
That's what I do, maybe this can help a little.
smiley

Hi Kashley,
May I also suggest possibly coming up with a written list of questions BEFORE you call? That way you won't have to remember them.

And just so you know what is going on, can I explain what's happening when you become unable to ask out of fear?

People with abusive or neglectful backgrounds often have trouble asking for anything because asking so often would lead to at best disappointment and at worse, actual punishment for expressing one of their needs. So we learn, on a deep unconscious level, that to ask questions is dangerous. So of course you're scared to ask questions.

To add to this, the part of our brain that is on alert for danger is our amygdala, which is not a really complex structure. Basically when we meet with a situation, our amygdala has a very simple decision tree: do I eat it? Do I run from it? or do I mate with it? Not a lot of nuance. When you are in danger, and again this happens outside of consciousness and you may not really be in danger, your amygadala screams RUN! The connnections from your amygdala to your frontal lobe are wide, strong pathways, a superhighway so to speak, while the connections back from your frontal lobe to the amydala are small weak things, think small dusty country roads. So if you're amygdala is really loud, it's hard to counteract what it's telling you, even if you "KNOW" better. If the fear gets high enough, your frontal lobe is actually flooded with hormones which take your cognitive abilities offline, making it literally physically impossible to think. It's the amygala's way of telling the frontal lobe to shut up so you'll listen to it telling you to flee from danger.

So one way you can help yourself in this situation is to as much of the thinking as you can ahead of time. Prepare questions, have paper and pen ready to take notes on the answers (or you may not remember them later) and right before you pick up the phone, try doing a breathing exercise to calm yourself down. This will help reduce the danger signals.

And if all else fails, remind yourself that you can just hang up and they'll never know who you are.

Good luck! I had a serious problem with phone calls for a lot of years so I do understand how hard it can be.

And I'm glad there was a mixup on your Ts end and she was so quick to respond the second time.

AG

Hi AG and Smiley,

Thank you both for the suggestions, and thank you for all of the information. I'm double majoring, but one of my majors is Psychology, but since I'm still a sophomore, my knowledge about the amygdala is limited to pretty much its location in the brain and a few of its functions. So it's really interesting to learn more about it.

Also, thank you for telling me more about why I'm so afraid to ask questions, AG. It makes sense as to why my fear is so unconscious, because I have a very spotty memory of my childhood and all the way up until I left for college. It's weird, but it helps me understand why I am so afraid when I can't logically think of a reason why.

I am going to write up some questions and start making some calls today. Within the next couple hours is the only chance I'll have before the weekend (if I want to give myself enough time to remain calm!), so I want to go ahead and get started. Otherwise, I'll probably have given myself a stomach ulcer by the time Monday morning rolls around.

Ugh. I can't believe I'm doing this..

So brave, Kashley! I think it's great that you sent that follow-up email, and that you got the response you needed. Hang in there with this next part - it's wonderful that you are taking this on.

I wanted to say earlier, too, that I relate to what you say about being submissive around your parents. I got the message that it just wasn't worth arguing - it takes a lot of work to shake that off.

Good luck with the calls - let us know how you go.

Well, I called the first number and left a message with the receptionist...we'll see how long it takes to get a call back. I also put in a call to a place that has lots of therapists in the office and set up an in-take appointment there. They are setting up an appointment for me with someone according to what I need, but we'll see how it goes. The good thing about this situation is that I can probably ask for a referral within the same office if I need to. However, I am not meeting with them until the 29th, and I'm impatient.

Should I call anyone else yet? I figured I'd wait and see if I hear back from the first woman I called, but who knows when that will be. Ha, I got off easy on these calls, considering I never actually talked to a therapist. I'll probably freak out every time some unknown number pops up on my screen!

Thanks for the help and encouragement, everyone. I really, really appreciate it.