Hi everybody, I just found this place last night. I've been looking everywhere for a place like this! This is my (very long) first post.

I knew my therapist for almost a few years, first in the hospital, then in OP since last July. I saw a few therapists before her but never felt a true connection. With her, I was able to be completely honest and the relationship helped a lot in keeping me out of the hospital. With other therapists, I was in and out for a couple years. With her help, I was able to stay out the entire time I saw her OP and my weight was stable (eating disorder). The relationship has meant a lot to me. I trusted her with a lot of things and brought up issues with her that I never told any one else. I was able to cry in front of her and I could tell she cared.

A few months ago, she told me was moving away. At first, I was in shock, but it didn't take long for me to realize the incredible loss I'd be facing and the crying began. It was and is still difficult for me to deal with it all. She was my support and I depended on her for her insight. I always looked forward to our sessions because if I had something good to tell her, she'd be just as excited as me.

I had my last session with her about 6 weeks ago. There were a lot of tears and I didn't want to be there to say goodbye. I wrote her a long handwritten letter telling her how much she's meant to me, and I also gave her a mini book I made of quotes and specific things she's done to help. I think she was sad, too, but she deliberately stayed in her clinical role. It's one thing I hate about the therapist-client relationship - therapists really can't say how they're feeling. The time went by so fast and before I knew it, it was time to leave. In our years working together, we never had any type of physical touch, but I wanted a hug. It took some courage because I was afraid she'd say no, but I asked, and she said it'd be ok.

I think it was the best hug I've ever had in my life.

I hate hugs because they usually seem forced and I don't like touching people. But this one was so sincere. She held me tightly and I squeezed her back. I reminded myself to try to remember everything, smelled her perfume, said another "thank you," and then it was over within a few seconds. I could've stood there forever. I don't think I've felt so much through a hug before. As much as I wanted her to say how she was feeling, but couldn't because of her professional role, she said with the hug. I knew that our relationship meant something to her, too.

I miss her and I know I will never see her again. I'm able to give her updates through e-mail every once in a while, but it's not the same as the intimate one-on-one time. I've been seeing a new therapist since she left. She chose her for me since she said they're a lot alike. But my new therapist is not her and she can't be replaced. I've been able to open up with my new one, so I've talked some about missing her, feeling abandoned, etc. but I feel bad at the same time. She's nice and I don't want to make her think I don't like her.

This past week, I sent her the first e-mail update since she left. I wrote about how it’s been difficult since she’s left, that I’m still adjusting to my new T. I also included the journal that I wrote after our last session. Although she’s not my therapist anymore, I wanted her to know how significant the hug and our relationship was to me. At the end, I mentioned that I hope she likes her new job, and that I’m still out of the hospital. The e-mail was quite long and I said, “I hope it’s ok - you know I worry about bothering you.” I didn’t want to bother her with whatever I had to say when I’m sure she’s busy, and I’m not her patient anymore. I was a bit hesitant to send it because maybe I was only supposed to send a quick note. But I hit “Send” anyway.

In the time between when I sent the message and when I got a response, I wondered what she would say back. Part of me was hoping that she would respond to my journal and tell me that, yes, she was sad to be leaving, and that it was hard to say goodbye, too. Logically, I knew that the professional boundary was still there, but because she’s not my therapist anymore, maybe she could show more of her personal side. But then again, because she’s no longer my therapist, she has to show less of her personal side.

The part of me that was hoping for a more personal response was disappointed when I read the e-mail. It was little more than a generic auto-reply, simply stating within a few sentences that it was good to hear from me and she’s glad things are going ok. Although I didn’t expect a message as long or as in detail as mine, I was upset at the lack of. It made me more upset than I ever thought I would be in that situation.

That’s it? She really doesn’t care. I guess she wasn’t sad to be leaving. I was just another patient. I bothered her with my e-mail and wasted her time. Maybe she just doesn’t want to hear from me.

It was hard enough not knowing how she felt when she left, and getting back a few sentences was just as difficult. It does make me feel abandoned. I’m very well aware that boundaries are in place for a reason. They’re there to protect the patient and so the relationship stays therapeutic. But what happens when there is a real human connection and it’s just cut off? Isn’t that more harmful? It only reinforces my lifelong belief that nobody cares about me. It shows me that even though I liked her and felt comfortable telling her anything, guess what? I will never know how she feels. I feel the stupid one for feeling vulnerable and trusting her.

It's all screwing with my head. It’s not fair. Why did she have to leave? Why am I still upset over it? Did she think about how much it would affect everyone else? She was only my therapist - get a grip!! Suck it up. Stop crying. That doesn’t fix anything.

Assuming that she doesn’t care is making me feel guilty. We talked about the subject of caring numerous times. She never explicitly told me that she cared about me; I guess I just knew that she did. I wouldn’t have been able to open up as much as I did if I thought she didn’t care, but things are completely different now. I don’t want to think of her as selfish, but it’s hard not to in this situation. I’m angry that she left and cut off all relationships with the people who trusted her most. If she did care, how could she do that?

I'm so desperate to hear her tell me, "Yes, I care about you and I didn't want to hurt you. I miss you too." Why is it so terrible to say it back? We're supposed to view our therapists as human, yet they can't fully be human. It's not fair for either side.