I may not keep this post up for long - I'm sorry. I don't think anyone can find me here on this site. but even if they do - i don't think there really is any risk legally for me. I dunno.

I have no idea how to say this but the long way.

I think this post probably deserves a TRIGGER WARNING - not sure - but I do talk very briefly of being "tied up" and experiencing something medical where I should have died.

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here's what happened that is freaking me out so much:
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In November, I yelled at a nurse. it gets worse.

I have a mild hearing problem - I do fine unless nervous, sick, emotionally overwhelmed - then I need people to repeat or sometimes write things. Rest of the time, people can't tell and I do just fine. Anytime at a hospital I ask them to write - figure it's hard and trigggering enough to deal with it all and fight to hear every word.

on a monday night, I was in pain from a ovarian cyst. I was bleeding a lot. I went to a hospital. They would not write and I was doubled ove rin pain. I couldn't tell what the triage nurse wanted me to do. finally she just got a wheelchair and wheeled me back into a room. She pulled the caution cone and tape from a room - the emergency gyn room - that had just been waxed. Like the guy with the waxer was just walking out. They put me in there and closed the glass doors. In 5 minutes, I could not breathe. I was having an allergic reaction to the wax fumes. I felt sick like I was going to throw up too. I walked out, walked breathlessly to a nurse, said I can't breathe.

She kept optioning to go back into the room. I kept trying to explain allergiuc the fume can't stand...

She rolled her eyes and walked away. I slowly walked out into the waiting room, I asked for the charge nurse, I said I need help, I can't breathe - someone in the waiting room told them it looked like I was having an asthma attack, her daughter has asthma. The triage people said to them yeah, she doesn't listen. we already are dealing with her (me) and shooed the woman away. I waited for what seemed like forever but was probably about 2-3 minutes. I sat in a chair in the waiting room, paged my allergist - I then slowly walked outside, hoping the cool air would help - and remebered I had an epi pen in my car. I used it and the allergist called back.

He said don't go back inside ER, but wait in waiting room just to make sure things resolve themselves ok. Then go to nearest pharmacy and get benedryl... and then he asked, what was I going to do to get orginal problem treated? I told him I didn't know I was too scared now to go back - hospitals are a triggery places as is, and a gyn problem? and shaking form epi pen/horror of reacting to the wax with no help?

I eventually went home, got benedryl, waited the night out in a lot of pain... the next morning I called my GYN - the one who told me to go to the ER the night before. she was mad because the hospital said I refused treatment and left.

She ordered blood work. I threw up my medications - my nomral dailiy medications - including one that if suddenly stopped can cause seizures and emotional... (what is the word? like where youare more emotionally lilbale? is that the word? mor emotional much easier.)

I tired to go to a diff hospital that tuesday morning, but couldn't walk inside. The GYN called in blood work, frustrated with me. At about 3:45 on tuesday I went to the lab... It was across the hall from a T I saw briefly who - well, it was not a good experince. I had not been back in the building since I saw her. I walked in and just the smell of the building - reminded me of the sessions I had with her. My hadns started to shake. I walked into the lab, just across form the T's old office. I told the nurse I'm sorry, I can't do this right now, I need to just pick up the paperwork and go. Apparently the nurse had made arrangements to stay late just to get the blood work done for me.

She was mad. I could tell. I got nervous. I was shaking even more. I told her I'm sorry I can't follow what you are saying - I needed her to write. She write nothing but yelled (and no that doesn't help me hear - just scared me all the more.) She was yelllings omething like go back into the lab room. I did - and I started to panic. I got up and said please I just need to go. She was standing in front of the door very mad, like I was some wayward child...

I asked for the blood draw paperwork so I could take to another lab later in the day. (in retrospect yes, there are a million other things I could have done.) She kept saying sit down. I started to get flooded with flashbacks. I backed up into the now dark waiting room. I dropped a clipboard the nurse had given me and yelled "someone please help me get me out of here." I knew I was on the edge of dissociating - and out of deseperation I started hitting my left arm with my other hand trying to stop the flashbacks and not dissociate. The nurse got closer. I am told I started screaming at her that she hates the deaf and "everyone must punnish (jane done)" "f--k (jane done) f--k her you f--ing hate the deaf and all deaf must be punnished." (yes I was yelling f--k me in the third person - crazy. i know.) and kept also screaming "someone please help me" and "please let me go let me leave"
and "don't hurt me." I am told I did all this. This isi n the nurse's statemnt to the police. I don't remeber yelling these specific words - I have a vauge memory of just freaking out and yelling something... I remeber saying I need the phone number for your supervisor and yelling get me out of here, let me go - she was still in front of the door of the exit from the lab, and the nurse got on the phone and called her supervisor. She was smiling. The nurse was smiling. She said a handful of things, she kept telling me to stay and "be patient" (what? I wanted to LEAVE) and telling her supervisor I was just mad she wasn't going fast enough to draw the blood (when I was actually just trying to get the order and leave, and then just leave screw the order...) and she said "do you hear this little brat?" she was smiling. I don't know why that sticks out. Just as she was again telling me to go sit down, someone walked in. That person says I seemed frightened. Was crying, yelling for osmoene to pelase help me, and that no one owuld write and I had a hearing problem - interspersed with please get me out of here please I need to leave (this new woman from down the hall thatahd walked in was now standing between me and the door). She started to write for the nurse. She moved over to do so and I left as fast as I could. It turns out she wrote calm down or the nurse will call 911. I was not htere long enough to read it. And the nurse called 911 anyhow after I left.

I left and went directly back to the hospital - I walked in bent over in tears and pain. I said "someone help me please. i'm in pain i need to see a doctor please" I collapsed down on the floor. a security guard came up. he spoke. i did not have not a clue what he said. i asked him to write and said I'm so sorry i can;t hear anything right now. (the secruity guard later told me that at the time he told me that "if I could not hear, they could not help me if I could not fina ny way tpo communicate") at the time, he just kept talking. he seemed mad. I was about to dissociate again so I got up threw up and left. I drove about three blocks away. I called a COO of the hospital who happens to be a friend and knows that I can't hear so well sometimes. She stayed on the phone - she used to be a nurse - I told her what was going on medically, she said to stay where I was and they will send an ambulance.

I said no no no please no the er won't help me. it was now about 5:15. the COO said she would meet me in the ER and stay with me and make sure this time I got help I needed (and she later confirmed that she said this.) I cried and said no I just can't do it - maybe an ambulance can take me to another hospital? I dunno am I really needing to see a doctor? I hurt so bad - as she was trying to reassure me, I soon said ok, I'll meet her at the hospital - and she said ok, and I asked her to please stay on the phone (I dunno why I did) and that I would be there i a moment and would tell her when I got ot eh parking lot. She said ok. Just then there were lights that pulled up behind me. Several police cars. I told the COO. She sais it's ok, they sent an ambulance to help me - I hadn;t told her where I was but did say I was only a few blocks away and she knows what car I drive....

There was no ambulance. An officer came up and I roleld down the window. He said something. the COO later told me it was "get out of the car" (she was still on the phone. I told the officer I can't hear (And indeeded my name is flagged as hearing imparied and I carry a card with me at all times.) I told him I am in pain, I need to go to the hospital and I was going there...

He yelled again. I could make out the COO voice on the phone in my lap (I "learn" voices over time) and she said go ahead it's ok he's saying get out of the car. I did. The officer took the phone and pulled me around. He put the phone on top of the car and handcuffed me.

Another officer came up - and no, still no ambulance - and said something about assult. They kept talking. the COO was still on the phone and says I suddenly sounded very clam, no tears - I had dissociated and was in full blown trauma survival mode. I remeber they put me in the car. I started bleeding all over my clothes. The officer reached in and yelled pointing to the blood on my pants. He said many things. I asked him to please write so I can do what he is asking me to do (even the polcie report says I kept saying "officer, I will galdly do what you tell me to do, I have a hearing problem, I need you to write so I jknow what you are communciating to me." the police report says Ikept repeating it over and over... ) They wrote nothing. Nothing.

I was taken to jail. I had seizures. Many. I was not told of why I was there. I was there overnight. My foot braces were taken from me and I was kept in a cell unable to walk and seizing all night. The jail was wise enough that they put down thin mats all over the jail floor to help prevent the seizures from casuing injury. Again, I don't normally have seizures. eventually the jail nurse came and told one of the officer to go to my home and get my meds - none of them enough to stop seizures. they did and I took them around 6am on wed morning. around 1pm wed, I was given a change of clothes and told to change - one of the few things they wrote, and put in a wheelchair and hwelled before the judge. I had no idea anything that was being said and still had no idea why i was there and arrested. I kept throwing up. The judge wrote. the judge asked how much money did i have that i could post bond. again i had no idea what the charges were and simply focused on i can get the hell out of there? i had never been allowed to contact anyone to even tell them i was there. (it turns out though thta th epolice had been calling my family and scaring the shit out of them) bond was posted. i left - still no paperwork on even what the arrest was for - I was very sick. I went to a hospital in another town. I would not let anyone in my fanmily or my firends see me. I drove the 30 minutes (very dangerously) to another town where I had a friend who worked there. I walked into the hospital and made it 1/2 the way to my firend's office *hoping she could help me get admitte dto teh ER) and had a seziure.

I was taken to the ER. they write. they comforted. i was in shock emotionally. they gave my IV fuilds and siezure meds and antibiotics.

A day later, when I was out of the hospital, I found out they charged me with harassment, tresspassing, and criminal mischeif for what happened with the nurse. why those charges? they thought my yelling was done iwth "intent annoy and alarm" tresspassing for staying after the nurse alledges she told me to go (and told me verbally not written) and criminal mischeif for the clipboard that broke when I dropped it...

It gets worse.

About a month later, I dropped something and I could not walk on my foot. I called my doctor who said I had to go to the ER. I could not drive myself and my firends were out of town. I tired to go myself, but my doctor called an ambulance and it arrived as I hoobled out to my car. I went - foot had hairline fracture - they splinted it. As I walked out the door to take a cab home, the nurse came up and gave me pain medication. I told her I didn't want it. I'm very sensitive top pain drugs and narcotics tend to caus eproblems. She said the doctor gave me a very small dose. She was mad. I couldn;t hack another mad nurse in that moment so I stupidly took the medication. I thought it seemed like a lot, but the nurse got mad when I said that even more. (it turns out that instead of giving 1/4 of a tablet, 1/4 the normal dose - what the doctor ordered - the nurse has measured out 4 TIMES the normal dose. I basically got 16 times as much medication as the doctor ordered. Now there is two sets of records one claiming teh doctor ordered the full 4 tablets - which makes no sense becaus eit alsop notes I told them I recovered form majory surgery without narcotics because it caused resperiatory depression so i avoid all narcotics. it was stupid regardless if he ordered thatamount or not.)

I took the pills and walked out the door with my splinted up leg (refusing a wheelchair - only remebering being in jail in a wheelcahir) - like litterally seconds later i was in the cab ion my way home. we didn't get far before I realized something was wrong. At first I just felt like a little breathless. It was weird. I tried taking some big slow deep breaths - but couldn't quite do it. Then, I don't know why, but I measured my pulse, using my cell phone. It was 41 beats per minute. About 30 beats lower than normal. then the medication started hitting and my head was starting to get foggy...

I got home. I walked up the fight of stair to my apartment and could not get enough air. It was not like an allergic reaction - so I was confused why i felt so breathless. then i remebered the medication. I got in the door. I got on the floor. I called poision control. I said how much medication I had been given and wondered if that was a problem and why I felt so breathless - the nurse interuppted me and said "do not finish this call hang up and clal 911 now or I will do it for you." ok, now I'm al little worried. I said... "wwwhat's wrong? am I gonna be ok?" She explained it was way too much medicationa dn she could hear how short of breath I was. I told her I have an epi [pen. She said no, this is not that kind of a problem, you need an ambulance...

shit.

(sorry but that's all I could think.)

so I begged her to stay on the phone. all i could think was 911 = police comes too and oh shit am I gonna be ok?... i wanet dher to stayon to tell any officers I really did need medical help

She agreded to stay on pphone. I crawled to my home phone. i called 911. I said my name, address and i have poision control on the other phone and they said i need an ambulace asap. i told 911 (as I had also told posion control nurse) i can;t hear well, you may have to repeat stuff...

I cuoldn't stand or get up without feeling like I was about to lose conciousness. I couldn't figur eout what was wronga nd theposion control nurse woudln't say- she was trying to help me stay clam. for the most part I was. The nsure then started asking where is the amblaunce - she and the other phone were on speaker and she started asking ths dispatcher where was the ambulance.

apparently, once the police got the 911 call, they told the ambulance to not come. the police arrived first. then they spoke to posion control nurse and got the abulance back. the two polcie officers were standing over my, lying on the floor, laughing - come on get up you are fine... i was trying to stay calm, so bewildered why they would not take this more seriously - the ambulace came - the police told teh paramedics who arrived about he arrest and that had heard i faked seizures in jail (what the heck...?) apparently thought iw as faking something now... they told them they had investigated me and found out i was in counseling (yeah, for PTSD! which the stupid police stirred up so bad)...

the paramedics looked at me, checke dmy pulse, said it was aroudn 40 and I was fine. none of what they did checked for respiratory depression and heart failure which is cause byhuge doses of narcotics. i thought ok, they will leave, ebverything will be fine... but they didn't leave... the police joked around with the paramedics - they had called in and found out I had an unpaid traffic ticket I was unaware of and they could arrest me - teach me a lesson to not call 911 and fake a problem...

they did. theypicked me up and I went unconcious. I woke up vomiting all over the police car and just outside of it as they phsyically drageg dme out of the car.

i came to again while lying on the floor of a cell. no mats. no foot braces. no shoes... just vomit. my arms and legs were blue. it was about 2am. I tried to get help. I couldn't barely speak. i went into seizures. i cried for help. i could only say help help please nurse. and then did everything to try and get oxygen in me. i couldn't expand my chest though. i could not find my own pulse (later was told that's due to blood pressure dropping as the body pool tyhe blodo around the heart that is begining to slow so much to keep up with the slowed breathing rate cause by the medication) the police came in. they put me in a chair, and tied down all 4 limbs and my chest. so my arm and body would not hit the door anymore.

the next few hours - i can't explain. it was a living hell. i kew i was in trouble. i breathed slowly and deeply as i could as yet my fingernails were blue... my lips were blue (reflective window.) i can't explain the rest.

about 9 later, i was let go. no paperwork, all the money in my wallet gone. no charges - the money out of my wallet they took to credit as paying the ticket.

the durgs had worn off about mid way through and i was able to breathe.

when they came in, they untied me from the chair. i have picture sof the bnursing of my arms and legs.

i could not walk. my hands were too swollen to even put on my own shoes. an officer helped me put them on. when he so tenderly did that (he had just come onto shift and ahd no idea why i was even there) i totally regressed... i started talking about my mommy... he told another officer he thought I was autistic. (I am not)

My aunt was outside. she had paid them to let me go. my feet were too swollen to tie my shoes up and my hands too swollen to even zip up the coat she brought for me. I could not speak to her. out of deep fear and concern she started yelling at me to talk. i only started to half laugh half cry.

(I was later informally told I should not have survived. I asked a doctor to tell me "of fthe record." I dunno why off the record or at all. This was a cardiologist. I should have died? my real question to him was did I do the right thing to try and be ok - he said yes. i worry i didn't and it lead to mroe harm to my body and brain or something. he said i was probably physically very ok now... )

two weeks after this I was served a ticket for allegedly pushing a shopping cart into someone's car on a date inbetween the two incidents - tyhe yelling ath tteh nurse and the respriatory depression.

this all happened last fall.


now, i had to go to court for the charges about yelling at the nurse. I get so triggered even walking into the courthouse, it takes everything to even stay presentw hen I see any officer. one of them responsible for tieng me down to that chair when I was in heart failure/respriatory depression came into the courtroom and I couldn;t stop the flashbacks. while at court on monday, we also were supposed to see the security video tape of being assulted in feburary and deal with the p[erson alleged to have done it. I couldn't even go that far. i couldn;t deal with anything done to me. so we tried to limit it to the charges against me when that part was just too much.

the charges against me.

my adovcate - who is also a law proffesor (so she know's her stuff) - is very concerned how triggering a trial would be on the yelling at the nurse incident.

plus, I did yell at the nurse. I have been very admitting of that. it just was not with any intent to annoy harass or alarm. i was trying to get the hell out of there and then ah dthe flashback and freake dout and still tried to get out of there. i was wrong in what I did. i was wrong to yell. period.

the DA wants me to plead guilty todiroderly conduct - only problem is that it stll show sup on background checks as orginal charges of harassment and ecterta. she wants me to plead to that in exchaneg for not going to trial. she eventually shofte dto pleading gyuilty on everything and she would drop it all if nothing else happene din a year - expect for pleading guilty to pushing the shopping cart into the car (and paying for the damages to be repaired - which are damages we happen to be able to prove can't possibly be caused by a shopping cart.)

i can't do it. i can't do i trial either.

my whole life education,. career, everything - what I do well is work with kids and animals and adults with disabilties - and I will not beable to return to school with this on my record, much because it all reffers to my mental health the pTSD so daman much and schools are freake dabout that and you can't have background with these kinds of things on it to work with kids.

i have ruined my life. everything i have worked for.

i can't take the plea deal and stand the reaility of having to epxlain to every possibly school, employeer, place I rent from, everything that yes I have a conviction for disorderly conduct - and yes, it was plea dealed down firm criminal msicheif as you can see on my background check and I wasn't guilty but I took the plea deal becasue... because I was too scared to go to trial and have my heart and soula nd mental health drug through the mud on a trial for yelling at a nurse... that would be the honest answer...

and i can't hack any of this. i have never yelled at anyone like this before nor since. I have never freaked out like this before nor since.

i am so scared out of my mind.

i can't even walk into the courthouse.

mixed into it is the police who won't do anything about the person who attacked me in Feb (don't know the person) - they are too concerned about me, the crazy person...

i am a freak. i can't hack this. i'm supposed to be dead. they have the tape of someone phsyically hurting me and they admit it and they do nothing and then me? for me they have to do mor epunnishment and consequences and take away everything i have worked for... how could i have done this? no hospital nor police wrong doing legally, morally, or ethically, makes it ok what I did.... and having PTSD or trying to explain teh flashbacks means teh DA responds like I am "unstable" and thus they must require more because i thus must be more likely to be dangerous...

how could i have yelled at that nurse? and done this to my life?

i can't handle this. what have i done? i've ruined my life, everything - i dont; see any way out of this or any way forward or anything good...

my hands are shaking just writing this. i can't even deal with the trauma that happen to me in feb. i have no idea how all of this could even happen in such a short time frame.

most of all i feel like the most horrible disgusting eprson on the planet. i can't even walk into the courthouse without tears. i can';t fight for justice, and i can't erase the harm I did by freaking out and screaming at that nurse. i see no way out of this - i am horrified by having to relive this or be reminded of it all every time i apply for anything and the thought of a trial? they will eat me up alive at a trial and... i did yell. I wasn't trying the "harass" anyone.... but it's unlikely a regular old jury will get it and i don't think having a flashback excuses what I did - i was wrongh to yell, but shit, what of a woman in labor yells f--k you to a nurse would they be charged? (and I didn't even yell that, I yelled f--k me...) maybe they would - no medical condition makes doing what I did ok... and now I will pay for it for the rest of my life and have to relive this - this... what they did to me... for the rest of my life...

i can't handle that. i see no way out. i can't handle any of this. i probably am a criminal freak to anyone who reads this now.

please tell me the honest truth in your response...

what am I even looking for or wondering? i am a criminal. it is right to take everything i've eowkre dfor away. i shoudl not work with children or animals. i am a freak. i am disgusting. i am...

i can't handle this. i volunteer with kids and do therapy with animals and i do well and

i can't handle even reminders of this for the rest of my life... i can't go back to school with this on my record - i had to drop out when this all happened...

i am just crazy. how did i become this? i have worked so hard to recover - i have not flippe dout or freaked, not even after the heart failure/tiing me to a chair in december and not even after being attacked in feb. i have less PTSD symptoms overall, due to really inetsne therapy, but engaging any of this - even trying to make a decision - do the hell of a trial and likely lose because i am a mental ehalth freak, or just take the deal and... how am i ever going to get past this? i can't even meet with attornies and talk about what happened because i cry or dissociate in a freezing up kind of way and then remember nothing so fast...

i must be a freak to you all now too.

i... i just am horrified to afce anyone in my off-line life that knows about this. i can't even face them.