I just thought I would post to say I had to go my doctor's surgery about something for my son and as I walked up to the general reception desk, my ex C (the one who terminated on me and it took three months of raw pain to get over THAT) walked out of her office there. We both saw each other and she turned round and went right back in and closed the door.
I stood there feeling nauseous and then eventually having done the paperwork for my son, left.
I sat in my car outside and was amazed at how I felt. I actually felt all the toxic mess that being in therapy with her had been like: the mess, the entanglement, the enmeshing, the buffeting from week to week, when she cried on me, when she lost it with me, when she judged me, when she pretended she had unconditional care for me. I just felt sick - as though I had momentarily experienced a few minutes of how therapy had been with her.
And how did this happen?
I think because I am now in a healthy therapeutic relationship with an experienced stable and grounded psychologist who does not enmesh with me, who is respectful of me, who is utterly unfazed by my desperately strong attachment symptoms, and who meets me. MEETS me. I am MET.
and the contrast between how it is with him and how it was with the ex C - just was astounding.
I could not see how damaging she was at the time, as I was so attached to her emotionally.
I thought you guys would like to know.
I have not been posting much as I have been going through deep body memories and it really has been rocky this past couple of weeks but the sweet P has been steady and kind and supportive whilst keeping nice reassuring boundaries and not making things worse. I had to phone him this week and it meant using his mobile number, which I had got when he phoned me last week by doing 'last number called" and he did not tell me off for that, YET. I see him Friday and we are going to talk about how I contact him inbetween as there are no rules in place yet, so that will be a scary talk for me as I always expect to be 'told off' and in the wrong for whatever I have done when in 'small child reaching out' mode.

I am even beginning to wonder if this man is the real thing, an EXPERIENCED ABLE psychologist and that I have fallen on my feet after the disaster of the ex C.
Here's hoping. He is even agreeing that it is a good idea to have a family session where my kids can ask questions about what is going on for me, as sometimes they get worried and they do not really understand.