That's a first for me. I've been so sad about my family and my meeting with them this weekend. I wrote my T about a comment I made jokingly that hurt my daughter's feelings and how I was just like my parents/family. He wrote back and told me I wasn't and then we talked about it tonight. He started by saying well one difference is that you apologized and discussed what you meant when you hurt her feelings. I realized I didn't, I apologized and then started to cry and left the room. I can't remember what happened next but I didn't address it with her except to tell her she should have known I was just joking and how obnoxious is that.

I didn't want to talk anymore but couldn't change the subject. We were silent a lot and then I told him I wanted to go home. He said well you don't just want to go home or not talk or you wouldn't still be sitting here. So I told him I thought he was laughing at me when he smiled when I was really upset. You wouldn't still be here if you thought I made fun of you. I said maybe I would because I'm so stupid I keep coming back and seeing if it is different. Then he said that he started the session talking about my daughter and the painful incident I had with her and he hadn't been condescending about it. I started to say well you started by saying I must have talked to her about it and I didn't because I'm a fucking awful parent and by this point I was screaming so I said this is crazy and I ran out of his office. He didn't say anything while I left and I sat in the hall for a few minutes trying to decide whether to go back in and he got his coat on and came out (I'm his last session and the time was almost over). I was so embarrassed to be standing there I just stammered I'm sorry I lost my temper and left.

I hate myself. I hate how I parent and how I can't talk to my T.