i woke up this morning still a little drunk as i frequently do. but i felt a calm. oftentimes lately i get these intensly painful feelings when i think about T and therapy (which is ALL-THE-TIME!). i knew from the beginning the risk of letting someone get too close so i decided from the start that i would under no circumstances get attached to this cool dude. and i fought it and fought it and fought it. i won't get attached to this guy. and i fought it some more. but the painful stuff only got more and more painful. i'm talking intense pain like where is this coming from??? and i wondered WTF??? so i woke up this morning with "Let it Be" in my brain and a feeling of quiet surrender. i'm attached already, okay? i could scream! i can't fight it anymore, but i think that's okay. i think the fight is what makes me sick and it's what keeps me sick (one of the things). so, i surrender. and i think the pain is a longing. i kind of feel like i know what the longing is but can't put it in words. trying to figure it out. i do think part of the pain is coming to the realization that i think maybe i would have been better off if D just wasn't there. i would never have felt valued by a D (not that i ever did), but at least i wouldn't have felt rejected on a daily basis by a D. and i thought that all the folks provided was what they thought was needed, and i probably needed what they provided, but i needed so much more. i needed them to simply KNOW me. and they never even tried. Cat Stevens said it "if they were right i'd agree, but it's them they know, not me". they never never even tried. T knows me better than my folks ever did. maybe that's it ... maybe it's the longing for somebody to show me that i'm worthy of getting to know. and i'm feeling that from him AND IT HURTS!

i think back to when i first began therapy and always having this apprehension, like there was some hanging doom about to lower itself on me. i was afraid T would find the spot in me that harbored that emotional boil that somehow i knew existed but wanted to keep it tucked away where it wouldn't cause any trouble. keep it at bay and and even feed it once in a while to keep it happy. self hate. keep it tucked away and attempt to paint the illusion of happiness so others wouldn't feel bad. it's exhausting work. i'm really tired. so i surrender.

and i have been hanging on to the booze. it's been my happy place, only not so happy. just another struggle. just another feeding for the boil. at the same time, it's always been there for me. it's always been strangely and consistently available and there for me. my friend, take away the pain, make me safe from the boil for awhile while you paradoxically feed the boil. help me keep it at bay and paint the illusion and deny my true self. they talk about the symptoms of dependency and how you need to find a way to cut back or quit, but i'm thinking the dependency is the symptom of what REALLY needs to be pursued and attacked and extinguished. the root - self hate again.

and i'm writing all this and i think i'm coming to some good conclusions, and there's a spot in my heart that wonders if T would be proud. there's that longing i'm talking about. and it still hurts. only now, i surrender cuz it hurts a little less that way.

sorry this is so long. just lots of thoughts and feeling i have to get out. this site is a life-saver. .... i hope i don't get attached