Hello all

I wanted to come out from my safety blanket of sensitive issues forum for writing about my exT experience. For some reason it carries a symbolic feeling of trying to overcome my fears over the situation. And I needed a little support because I got a disturbing card from my mom

*so may be triggering to some... talking about exT, mom's letter to me invalidating abuse*

I was really struggling yesterday, and started crying again because of not having success finding affordable T. I talked to my H about it again, and he rather dismissively said that I should just return to the same clinic and see another T there. Why was it such a big deal? It's obvious that's what we can afford, just go? Well... let's say I had a meltdown. A really big, fetal position, snot running, heaving cries kind of meltdown. Which freaked him out a little, tbh. But I was SO upset that he just didn't GET it. I can NOT imagine going back there. (even though I've had attachment pains of wanting to go back to exT, I know such a thing would destroy me. I can not imagine going back on purpose, with the intent of doing it for my well being, nor seeing another T at the same clinic and constantly seeing and mourning exT) Does that make any sense? I have a hard time being coherent when I'm emotional...

I told him that I'd had it, and I NEEDED just ONE session with a new T, to hear a new T say that I really was in a bad situation with exT, to prove that I wasn't being dramatic about all this. I said I KNOW we can manage that somehow. Just ONE for now, and I'll find a way to keep it together until we can get me to a permanent place in awhile. The compromise was I was able to chat with a T online. Good enough for me. I'd never done this before, so I was nervous, but felt relieved to finally have this outlet again after what feels like forever already. I was connected with a guy who deals with trauma victims.

I told him my story, and some direct quotes from this T were, "Your instincts were really good to leave. I don't know how else to say this, but this idiot was preying on you. You have been re-victimized and violated, that's all there is to it. You really should start a complaint process, and I recommend working with a female for the foreseeable future to sort out the grief you likely haven't even processed yet. I'm so sorry." I burst into tears, is all I can say. I feel very much like I did in the process of accepting my dad's abuse, I had to hear validation from about 30 people until it really started to sink in. It's like for a few years I could rationally, logically accept it, but emotionally I still denied it. I still have days of questioning it, and it's been a tough road. This feels so similar, and hearing that T reiterate what I've heard so much and logically know, was one step closer to emotionally accepting reality. But most of all, H finally took notice. I could tell he really got angry, and reality sunk in for him as well. He said, "yeah... you're not going back."

I felt incredibly grateful for the validation from H more than anything. I cried for a long time over that...

Then this evenings mail brings a new challenge, one I would normally use a whole therapy session on, but since I am without, I have come to pester you good people with my ramblings

My mom sent me a card, and some direct quotes from it are, "Your dad and I would love to come visit you. We hope all the bad feelings can be healed some day. Things happen, and people make mistakes. A lot of things would be changed if they could. Hope we all can forgive one another and move forward because we love you." It was all in her handwriting, and my dad signed it. I can not even begin to articulate how immensely painful that was to me. I'd just as soon have opened an envelope with a grenade in it. To send a card like that, after the abuse that went on in my childhood, makes me truly question how someone can be so incredibly out of touch with reality. There really is not a good way to describe how *ridiculous* those statements are.

Here's what that portion of the card looked like in my head, and how it should have been written if there was an ounce of honesty or humanity in my parents whatsoever. This is a little more accurate:
"Your dad and I would love to come visit you see you and make you feel guilty for protecting yourself from more of our abuse. We hope all the bad feelings can be healed some day brought to life again because we simply cannot function without drama, and frankly seeing your anguish feeds our sadistic souls like oxygen. Things 18 years of unbearable abuse happens, and people make mistakes godawful life decisions that can never be rectified. A lot of things would be changed hidden from the public better if they could. Hope we can forgive one another you, because we will never accept responsibility, and move forward because we love you to abuse you."

Let's call a spade a spade here shall we.