So, I've been going in therapy (psychoanalysis 3 times pr week) for almost 4 years now with my lovley, steady, old T. (startet mainly because i was depressed) He has been my light and my rock - and also the "source" of lots of frustration and grief. It's been a great - and very difficult- jearney, with lots of paternal and erotic transference involved, all the way. Still is. (lol this was my attempt to give a "short background" about my story
)ANYWAY : allthoug i am getting quite used to the ups and downs in therapy, i am having a very difficult time right now - the last month actually - because i feel like i am loosing contact with my dear T.
At first i blamed T for being sort of distant, tired and more silent (more than usual anyway) than before. That it was "weird" to be there. Like he just lost a bit interest in me and/or is tired of me. What he SAYS is that he doesent feel distant at all, and that he feels that he is the same as always. I cant really tell whether it is me, or him, or both of us that is "different". Its confusing.
In yesterdays session i told him the nights dream where i appear to be a rebellious and difficult child (the way i was in fact!) and where i enter his office and is "acting out" and he respond by holding me (litterally) - and it feels so good and safe. Almost as if we were close again and there was nothing "wrong" with our contact at all. I felt so reliefed when i woke up, but it boothers me that it was "only" a dream and it is not even reflecting the reality of how i feel about therapy these days. Rather the opposite!- that my "difficult and childlike" behaviour is pushing him away. That the distance grows when i am like "this". He`s respond to the dream though, was that i am, he suggested, "glad that he holds me/ loves me, even though i feel that i am difficult and bad" (!)But i dont FEEL that at all. It was a dream scenario i WISHED would happen, not a description of how it actually IS.
Problem also, seem to be that i dont feel able to change this thing. I go in to see him, and all i feel is these growing rebellious/needy/difficult-child feelings, and its like i push him away deliberatley, and still something inside me is screaming: "hold me! love me!" but what i am actually doing is only provocing the opposite reaction from him.
I make him silent and mayby angry. At least annoyed. And i cant really blame him, if he feels that way.So, why the heck cant i controll this impuls to push him away when i need him the most??
Now this has happened before, and it always worked out one way or another eventually, but i am so confused that it`s happending again now, after such a long good period. Espescially because I dont GET IT, why i do this, and where these feelings comes from, and i really hate that i have "the power" to push him away. It actually makes me angry that he allows me to do that, and seemingly without recognizing what is happening in the room. And i am a little afraid to talk to him about all this furhter now, as i normally always will do, because i am scared that it will push him even further away. That he gets tired of what must feel like i am complaining about him...
I just miss him so badly right now and all i seem to do is destroying the precious vercontact.
Thanks for reading. I will be very thankful for any input on this (and sorry for my bad english, i am out of training!)
ps: I forgot a bag with a painting that i made at his office yesterday, and it`s so obvious that i "forgot" it, because the painting was ment as a gift for him. At least i fantasied about giving it to him. But i am too emberrassed to ever give him any gifts at all. So i texted him and just said i forgot my bag there and if he could just keep it until i see him again in a few days.. i am so stupid.
. And I’m sure your T understands what’s going on too, though he’s obviously not behaving in the way that you would like him to. Frog I really don’t think you need to be afraid of alienating your T by telling him all about these feelings or even by acting out some of the rebellious ones, I think he will be the same steady T you’ve experienced all of these four years. (Gosh is it really four years?????)
How nice to meet you, and thanks for your thoughts! It did turn out that you were right about T not being bored of me. I am amazed at how often i seem to be *sure* of that even though my experience tells me otherwise... It`s exhausting, really. Will be looking forwared to see you post something here if you want to! Thanks again for dropping in here!