((((((mh)))))

I'm sorry she's acting in a way that makes you feel like you are too much for her. It is an awful feeling to endure. I want to quit w my t on a regular basis thinking I'm too much for her... Can I ask (you totally don't have to answer) what actions she did that make you feel like you are too much for her? How are you feeling about your decision for now to end with her?

I'm glad you shared and posted here about this. It sounds like things have been hard and you are hurting or struggling... I'm so sorry. Keep posting (if you can and if it helps of course.) You deserve kindness. many hugs to you, jane

(((MH))),

I'm sorry that you feel that your T has done something to support your feeling that you are too much. You don't have to answer, but like Jane I am curious what happened to make you come to the decision to terminate. I often feel like I'm too much for my T as well so it is a feeling that I can really relate to.

Thinking of you.

The thought of never seeing her again is very painful, and I wonder if I have acted too hastily. After all, I've tried to "quit" before and always come crawling back. Will this turn out to be the same? I don't know.

I do know that I plan to do a no-show at my appointment tomorrow. And maybe not show up on Monday as well. That is not characteristic of me. In two years of frequent appointments, only once have I ever canceled at the last minute. All other cancellations have courteously been done far enough in advance that they could fill the slot with another client. But this time...I don't mind if I get slapped with a charge for not showing up without sufficient notice. My text was notice enough. Let it be a sign to my T that I meant what I wrote.

And yet... do I really mean it? Because I hesitate to officially cancel all my appointments which are scheduled thru the rest of the month. I think I am hanging on to hope that my T will do or say something to erase or make-up for this sense of being too much.

I don't know if I can explain well in words what has happened.

I really am too much. How can I be angry with her about that?

This past week I've shown some pretty opposite extremes. I've been super sweet and terribly rude, and there and back again. I think she's tired of the yo-yo. How can we have a close relationship when she never knows when I'm going to flip out in anger? One minute I love her and the next minute she is my enemy. It's too much, emotionally & intellectually both.

She didn't SAY I was too much. But what she did was encourage and lead me to believe that she WANTED to be there for me yesterday and today, and that she WOULD be there for me yesterday and today (this following a difficult session on Tuesday when I had a bad flashback and fought panic attacks the rest of the day). She offered text support and a short-mini session, and she knew I was counting on it. But what actually happened is that she let me down. And then she wouldn't take responsibility for it and hinted that it was my fault. I think deep down she just didn't want to deal with me because I am too exhausting.

How can I blame her? I beg her not to abandon me, but then I put her through hell. So in words she will not ask me to leave because that would be abandonment, but her actions betray her and show that she's past her limit. She's in a tough spot.

And I...well, I can't help the different parts of me being polar opposite. I can't just stop being difficult. If I stay with her, the yo-yo will continue. And we will both be frustrated.

And even as I write it I don't want it to be the truth.

It's really hard not to hate myself right now for the way that I am. Because I destroy all the good things. Like my T's love for me.

Wow, MH. I feel like I could have written your post myself (the last one). I feel like I have put my T in a position where she is super frustrated and tired of me and all the crap I put her through, but that she wouldn't ever terminate me even if she wanted to. I'm sorry you're hurting so much over this. I'm in a similar place where I'm debating whether or not to stay or leave my T. It sucks when they let us down. I'm sorry, (((MH))).

MTF

(((((mh)))))

Yo-yo ing doesn't makes you too much. Her screwing up and dropping the ball doesn't make you too much at all.

I totally understand why you feel that way. My t and I have the slighteat miscommunication and I tend to thunk I'm too screwed up, she can't deal with me. I have actually been trhough several seasons with my t where I canceled nad reschedule the same appointment for the same time several times. With my eq t, I've litterally walked away and then litterally walked back. I don't do it nearly as often anymore. I didn't think id ever be able to just stand still and sto going back and forth in the relationships with my ts. Both have actually said they felt confused by it when I did it. Yet both said it was my choice and part of my process. They stayed more or leass steady, challenged me to come bac whe I'm ready, and sometimes when they dropped the ball and I got spooked and backed up again, the would own it and kept telling me to a point that they got sick of saying i5 and I got even more sick of hearing it, but still said it - its ok to back up and it ok to move close. As I have experienced that... somehow, my yo yo ing has slowed down a lot and comes up a lot less. I'm totally going back and forth about something with one of my ts now after a series of breakdowns that still has me convinced she can't handle me. My other t knows this and today, when I saw her, she challenged me to try and sit with my grief and hurt and yet not run from her too "as much as you can stand, and if you can't and you need to back up, that's ok too." I stayed with it for a little while... and happened to realize more about why I go back and forth... (which is just me).

But we yo yo for a reason. I think you did give clear noticw to your t. I hope you tell her what triggered you quitting. And I hope both of you possibly keep the door open for going back if/when you are ready. (And if your t has been through you quitting anf coming back before, then I think it is very likely she will again and that the door isn't closed for good.)

Oh mh it makes complete sense why you want to pull back and why you quit. It hurts a lot to take the risk to count on a t, holding on to some small self belief of the possibility that it is ok and we are worth it... and then to not have a t come through... it makes sense to pull back to protect against more pain of feeling like being too much for your t that clearly you don't want too be too much for...

But even though your t totally dropped the ball, and you are understandably hurting and feel like you are too much (which her screw up does not mean you are too much) and even though you feel like you can,t stay in therapy with her, you are still worth it, you are not too much, and things can change too. If they can for me, of all people, then they certainly can for you too.

Oh please take everything I write very lightly, I could be very off on all of this... except this: I'm so sorry this happened and so sorry you are hurting so much and I hope it gets better soon and I fully believe things can be different like you want them to be and you are not too much at all.

many hugs
jane

quote:

And I...well, I can't help the different parts of me being polar opposite. I can't just stop being difficult. If I stay with her, the yo-yo will continue. And we will both be frustrated.

MH you are not being difficult you are exhibiting a classic disorganized attachment. You want to run towards her you want to run away from her (quitting). Where she is failing you is by not being absolutely consistent and in following through on anything she offers to you. Have you ever considered that the problems are with her and NOT with you? That you are doing what a patient in therapy does and that it's her inconsistent actions that are causing you to REact?

I have seen this so much on here lately. T's not holding boundaries and not delivering what they promise. It is imperative with any client but especially with trauma and attachment injured clients to be consistent and to not promise more than you can deliver. If the T keeps moving boundaries you will never feel safe enough to do the work and heal. It basically just creates a reenactment of childhood.

I'd love to comment further but you don't provide enough information. You just say she promised text and a short session and let you down. Not sure in which way. I'm not even sure why you say you are TOO MUCH. Is it because you have certain needs and she makes you feel ashamed of having them?

I'm sorry you are in pain and facing this dilemma. I would say to call her or go back and have this blunt and honest conversation. I'm not sure what would change by this but at least you will have your say and she will know what she did wrong with you. I know this is hard and it's awful to sit with these feelings. But... you are not too much MH, neither am I or MTF or Jane and the others here. We are trying to get our needs met that were never met in childhood. We are trying to heal the interpersonal damage done to us as children through a safe relationship with our T's. When they reenact our childhoods it only hurts us further and reinforces the old wrong beliefs.

I wish I could help you. Sending you support and hugs,
TN

I too quit and go back all the time. I think I did it weekly for the first six months or so. It did not seem to rattle the t, but I felt like a crazy idiot.
I did not know it was called disorganized attachment.
Good luck with your decision.

(((((MH)))))

I can relate all too well to what is going on for you right now. I've acted out, quit therapy, only to come crawling back. I think our Ts are used to this sort of thing from their clients, so please try not to be embarrassed or ashamed to reach out to her should you decide that you acted hastily.

How are you feeling today? Do you want to take back what you've done or are you feeling good about your decision? Do you feel comfortable reaching out to T to ask to come back, if that is what you want to do?

Thinking of you....sending you lots of positive juju today.

((((MH))))

I just want to agree with TN. I looked like a yo-yo on Meth with my T, alternating deep terror that he would abandon me, with the need to flee as getting too close was too painful and scary.

I once literally hung up on him angry at the end of a phone call (he couldn't remember if he had read an email I had sent THREE days before) only to call back 45 mins later totally hysterical that he was going to leave me and that our relationship wasn't real. I got the same therapist each time. A man who deeply understood and normalized my emotional reactions because there was a very real basis for how I was feeling, and he knew that he just had to stand still until I could really trust him. He was confident enough to trust the process and know that my back and forth and endless repetition was how you healed from my kind of injuries, so he didn't get frustrated or start questioning what he did. (When I did start to trust him and was able to tell him how much his holding still had meant, he did thank me for telling him that as it helped him trust how he worked.) I too, really question whether the problem here is you.

Especially because that cry of "I'm too much" from your heart is one I can still struggle with. We believed it because our caretakers when we were young treated our elementary, basic, healthy human needs as some kind of imposition. My T said it's like turning off the heat in the house in the middle of January then asking a child what's wrong with them when they complain they're cold.

AG

PS I once quit therapy with my first T by disappearing. No phone call, no notice, just didn't make another appointment. When I showed up two years later, she took me back without hesitation and no comment. I brought it up and apologized but she understood. Clients quitting and changing their mind is pretty par for the course for therapists, so it's ok to do whatever you decide to do.

Sometimes we can feel like our only power in therapy is the ability to walk away, so when we feel really threatened or angry, that is sometimes the only way to feel safe, by giving ourselves the option to not do this anymore.

I just want to agree here that if yo-yo-ing was a therapy no-no and too overwhelming for most therapists than a lot of us wouldn't be in therapy, because it's a pretty normal thing for DA as TN has pointed out. I have done myself. I haven't outright quit, but I have threatened (err...hinted at?) it several times, only to be begging my T not to abandon me days, or even moments, later. You aren't too much. ((((MH))) I'm sorry things are so yucky right now.

quote:

And I...well, I can't help the different parts of me being polar opposite. I can't just stop being difficult. If I stay with her, the yo-yo will continue. And we will both be frustrated.

It's really hard not to hate myself right now for the way that I am. Because I destroy all the good things. Like my T's love for me.

I'm sad for you. I can relate to this. Except replace T with H for me.

How do you feel this morning?

I agree with everyone else here. Your T should be able to understand, empathize, and support.

You are not too much for T!

I am overwhelmed by your supportive, understanding replies. I'm trying to hold back from falling apart into hysterics. I should have left my house 10 minutes ago if I was really going to keep my appointment today, so I guess I really am not going. Reading here right now is what I'm holding onto.

I can't decide if I am punishing myself more by staying away or by returning to her.

The feeling I have in being too much is that my T will only be there for me AS LONG AS I'M GOOD.

* I had written a bunch more details but just deleted it. It's not worth anyone's time to read it. *

quote:

The feeling I have in being too much is that my T will only be there for me AS LONG AS I'M GOOD.

((((((((((MH)))))))))) I'm sorry you are feeling this way. IMO this is the kind of parenting that put many of us into therapy in the first place. And then, even when we WERE good, our parents weren't there for us, anyway...and so we never really could BE "good enough". As a parent now, I can understand why my parents felt so overwhelmed - but I can ALSO recoil when I remember their decisions and their actions to pretty much abdicate anything parental. They just gave up. I needed them not to. Every kid needs their parents not to give up. It's hard, yes...but that is what kids need. And I think it is what you need, a T who is there for you no matter what, for all that you are, inside, outside, good, "bad", whatever...and that is what you seem to NOT be getting from her. And that is her fault, NOT yours. Just like when a parent gives up, it is the parent's fault, not the kid's.

Please keep writing here if it helps, MH...please don't say it's not worth our time to read it...you are worth my time...and I'm sure there are many others here who feel the same way. We love you.



Hugs,
SG

All you guys who have posted, I really appreciate it. Every single one of you. Even though I have not responded individually. It is nice to hear that several of you can relate to that awful, scary feeling of being too much, and that you know what its like to get triggered when your T lets you down (although I am very sorry some of you are dealing with it too!). It is good to be reminded that my yo-yo behavior makes sense as far as a disorganized attachment pattern goes. It is helpful to feel that I am in good company should I decide to go crawling back. It is...hard to believe that my needs are not an imposition...but also what I want to hear that my T should be there for me no matter what.

My session would almost be over by now. My T did not text me to inquire where I was. She will not chase me, right? I wonder how much she wants to be free of me. I think if I really loved her then I would leave her since I can't stop being bad and putting her through hell.

I'm beginning to feel this as a huge loss that I will never heal from. I'm beginning to feel things that are better posted in the Sensitive Issues. I better not write anymore here.

quote:

* I had written a bunch more details but just deleted it. It's not worth anyone's time to read it. *

Yes it is. And when and if you want to share, we are here... and I know I've been in your spot before - it totally sucks. But you'll get through it, don't know how or when, just know you'll get through it.

((((MH))))

Thanks, R2G. T just texted me. She wrote simply "Missed you."

It's killing me that I can't make this work.

quote:

It's killing me that I can't make this work.

MH,
It's not all your responsibility to make it work. I very honestly think that your T carries much more responsibility for the breakdown of your therapy than you can see right now.

((((((MH))))))))

AG

MH,

Please don't take on all of the responsibility of "making this work". It takes two people to make a relationship work. If its not working,it doesn't mean that it is your fault. Its possible its not a good fit...or maybe you two are just in a rough patch that will get better with some work on both of your parts.

What did you text back to T when she said she missed you?

I wrote back: i missed you too. im sorry i cant make this work

As I think about how I felt let down by my T yesterday, I am sure she did not realize how hard I would take it. I do not think she was purposely trying to piss me off by causing me to miss my time with her. I think it was her subconscious way of dealing with countertransference, putting off dealing with me. So what if my mini-session time was reduced from 15-20 minutes down to only 5 minutes because of her carelessness? I was waiting for her. Why didn't she come to get me earlier if she wasn't with another client? In her view she would not feel the pain I felt over it because I was the one feeling so needy and dependent and anxious, not her. But at the moment I was vulnerable was when it seemed I was unwanted after all. What hurt even more is that she did not apologize but made it out to be my fault. Like why didn't I knock? She KNOWS I refuse to do that. We've been over it before. I think its rude to knock if she has another client with her. And if her door is closed then how do I know whether she has a client in there or not? Usually she opens the door partway and peeks her head out when she is ready for the next client. Why didn't she do that this time? Was she busy on the phone with another client? If so, then why put it on me, as if it were my fault? If she was anxious to see me, as she had indicated she was earlier, then why wasn't she ready and waiting for me? Wasn't it because of my bad behavior in the interim?

MH,

I think you are taking on way too much responsibility over this dynamic with your T. There is a lot of speculation and self-blaming going on here....when the most likely explanation is that her being late had nothing to do with you or with her feelings for you. Please don't let her actions in this situation derail your entire therapy with her. I know you are hurting and it sucks to feel like you are not important or that your T is putting off working with you, but this is not worth throwing away everything the two of you have done together to this point.

Dear MH...why didn't she communicate honestly and openly about the missed time? She could have siad something that would have made you feel understood, like: "MH, I know how important this time is, and I am so very sorry that we don't have enough of it afterall. This was my fault, and I feel bad that I don't have as much time available as I said I did. I will try to make it up to in your next session if I can, but plese understand that if I can't, it is not a rejection of you." Or...whatever.. it's as if, after all this time and so many ruptures over stuff like this...she is *still* clueless about why this would hurt you so much, and can't understand it. It is really painful when they don't just communicate honestly with us, with full understanding and sensitivity to how important the relationship is to us. It really really hurts, because we don't feel ok having the feelings we have about them, or their boundaries then.
Sure it is ok, for a T to mess up...they all will do it. But when they put the messup on us as our fault for being too needy, or misunderstanding *them* and their busy schedule and needs around that..it really sucks. It would be fine if just, your feelings about it were validated by her, and she would let you have them by giving you permission to have them, assuring you that you are *not* too much for feeling the way you do about her messups. Do you know what I mean? A little gentle reassurance, and apology for their mistakes and *understanding* of how much it affects us when they do that- really would go a long way.

I have more to say but..I have to go cause my H is mad that I am on here.

Will try to come back later if I can.

Hugs, MH- this is not your fault (unless you are to blame for having any feelings or daring to have reactions to others or needs in the first place- which you are not, being a (very lovely) human being and not some other-worldly Spock-like creature who has no needs at all and is here to serve everyone she comes into contact with or something like) I am sorry if I sound at all angry at your T. I'm really not, I know the situation you are in intimately aquainted with it, in fact...and I just think the one-way communication thing really stinks, when they make it *all* up to us to make it work, and do not offer reassurance and comfort and validation of your feelings about these things when they will happen.

BB

Maybe you are right, idk. I just got done with another text exchange with T, a rather long, argumentative one. Neither one of us is backing down about who's fault it is that I got cheated out of my time and why it happened. Although I do feel a bit better that I have just aired my feelings to her so that she knows how hurt I am, 'cuz I feel like she just doesn't "get it," how precious 12 minutes of her time can feel to me when I'm barely hanging on. I think we are done talking for the weekend since her text-free time officially starts at Friday 5pm and her last text said "That's it. maybe we will talk later." Later meaning Monday I suppose.

I know how you feel BB about the H getting mad that you are on here. I have to go now for the same reason.

(((((MH)))))

It just all sounds so brutal. I am sorry. Wish I had something better to say but I don't. Just sending lots of love and support.

Liese

Just wanted to update for anyone who wondered what the end of the story was.

I texted my T this morning to say I was afraid to be in physically close space with her today in her office, and that my mouth didn't want to open. Reading between the lines that meant I didn't know if I would come in to my session.

She wrote back: "closeness can be scary. you can maintain the space you need until you are ok with it and can trust that i will not hurt you. good morning sweetie."

It was a good response, I thought, because basically she was saying its ok if I don't feel ready to come in yet. So she didn't pressure me. And yet she was still nice, not distant, so I didn't feel that she was pushing me away either. So I decided to go.

We spent the first 15-20 minutes arguing about what happened last week. We arrived at a truce/compromise how to avoid this situation from recurring in the future. I didn't get everything I wanted, but I guess that's why its called compromise.

I have to admit that the disorganized attachment pattern had to have played a huge role in this for me. Because looking back on it, last Tuesday's session ended with us being so close, with her comforting me during the flashback and bringing me gently back to reality, that it was natural I was going to have a reaction to that scary closeness. So I think I blew things out of proportion because I was trying to obtain a safe distance from some subconscious danger I felt.

Today's session ended better than it started, and at this point I am not threatening to leave anymore. I guess it doesn't surprise anyone that it ended this way, huh? I still feel a bit cautious toward T, but we are repairing.

I'm sorry MH I didn't get to post to you before now, but I'd like to say now how pleased I am for you and that though there was a compromise you feel a whole lot better now. That was a great text response from your T, isn't it amazing how when someone says the right thing, it can change everthing. Had she answered differently, you may very well not have gone in at all and this could all have escalated even further into crap feelings. So good for your T and good for you for going in.

LL