((((incognito))))

I'm sorry. It sucks when a T makes a mistake and rather than be attuned enough to address it, they just ignore it. It's good that you were able to tell your T how you felt, but after the first time, he probably should have known you would be triggered again and initiated a conversation on it himself. I hope you are able to work through these "done" feelings, because with this stuff out in the open, it's probably an opportunity to make some real progress.

quote:

it's probably an opportunity to make some real progress.

I agree with yaku on that one... it really does suck though, big time. And it sucks even more that he didn't address the emails and contact. I hate when I don't feel heard.

I have a very hard time with anger, and would have probably done what you did, only admitting it after much coaxing, and likely near the end of my session. I hope that Monday brings some clarity to the situation, and that whatever decision you make brings you some peace.

(((((incognito)))))

I'm sorry to hear it's been so tough for you incognito...it sounds like you and I are kinda in the same boat. I love my T's whole way of being, but he just doesn't seem to understand how much I need him to explain what his own boundaries are about stuff like this, instead of just leave me floundering around. If he were to explicitly say; "Incognito, these are my rules about between session contact, and then tell you really clearly exactly what you could expect from him on between session contact- do you think that would at least help you in dealing with the waiting? I'm just wondering, because I'm sure it would help to at least know. I guess we have to ask. It's soooo hard.

I hope you will go in on Monday and tell him just how mad you are.

BB

((((INCOGNITO)))))

I so know what that anger feels like. And it really sucks. I personally think it's from not really being ready to separate. The pain of separation. You still really need to be cared about it. And it hurts, god does it hurt. Hope you can find the strength to stick with it but also understand how hard it is and how much it hurts.

I know you have been struggling and T isn't making it easy for you.

((((HUGS)))))

Liese

(((((IG))))))

I know how horrible it feels when you don't get a response or feel blown off by your T. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this....especially after 3 years invested into your T.

Is it possible you could take a "break" rather than make the decision to quit entirely? Maybe some temporary distance and space from T will help you both to gain some perspective on the situation.

Regardless of whatever course of action you chose to take, we are all here to support you in any way we can.

((((Incognito)))), i think i know that same pain which you are suffering right now. Maybe i should not respond here, because i am triggered by my own stuff with my T and my reply is biased based upon that. but if i were in your shoes i would also be so hurt. I would probably be jumping to conclusions about my T's intentions, but my thoughts would be, "How can T be so mis-attuned as to not recognize my need for a response? She should know how her silence would affect me. And if she did recognize it, why didn't she make an apology for blowing me off, or at least bring up the subject for discussion on her own? Was she trying to hurt me on purpose, or is it that she simply didn't care whether i was hurt or not? And why am i paying her to hurt me? Is this method really necessary or conducive to trust?"

Like LG, i would also encourage you to hesitate before you completely break off the relationship. There is a possibility that further communication about what happened may resolve some of the hurt. If not, perhaps a temporary break would be helpful. I am taking a mini-break myself right now to sort some things out.

I sincerely hope this can be resolved. Hang in there.

Thank you all for your support.

Yaku, It is hard for me to believe there is an opportunity for progress since I've been doing this for so long and have been through these feelings before.

R2G, anger is almost impossible for me to express. It is so frustrating leaving a session feeling like I only started to talk about what was important in the last 10 minutes.

BB, I don't think I can get any more clarity around out of session contact. I know he only replies during office hours and I completely respect that boundary. Unfortunately things happen like him leaving early one day and him not getting my email and there is no way to prevent that. I hate that I'm not more flexible or reasonable. I don't think I could tell him how angry I am on Monday because I've started to switch to being embarassed and ashamed about my inability to deal with it.

Liese, You are right it is about the pain and my desire to be cared about and when something like this happens it is clear he doesn't care and that hurts so much. Everything else is an attempt to avoid, deflect, end the pain.

LG, I could definitely take a break, go back on Monday, or quit completely. My T isn't instigating anything. I always feel like if I take a break I'll never go back so it would be better to just quit outright. I think I'm trying to resolve the therapy relationship completely and the only way to do that is to quit. I guess I'm too black and white in my thinking. I would like to stop the pain and nothing is doing that permamently.

MH, This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for saying it so well.
"How can T be so mis-attuned as to not recognize my need for a response? She should know how her silence would affect me. And if she did recognize it, why didn't she make an apology for blowing me off, or at least bring up the subject for discussion on her own? Was she trying to hurt me on purpose, or is it that she simply didn't care whether i was hurt or not? And why am i paying her to hurt me? Is this method really necessary or conducive to trust?"
I hope the mini-break helps you with your T.

I really appreciate the understanding. Most of the time I feel like I am stuck in therapy and in life and it must be annoying to listen to me whine and complain about the same things week and week. In my real life there are very few people who I talk about therapy with.

IG,I'm glad you've found a safe haven here to talk about your therapy woes. I know how lonely it can feel when you have nobody to talk to about therapy. We are here for you as much or as little as you need us. And for what its worth, you are NOT whining. Just venting. And there is a difference. A BIG difference. (((Hugs))))

INCOGNITO,

I wasn't saying he doesn't care. That's not what I meant. I was talking about the pain of separation. Please don't take what I wrote the wrong way. How are you today?

Liese, I didn't think you meant he didn't care. I know that is what I think? Thank you for asking how I'm doing? It is up and down and painful. I've seen my T twice this week and at first I thought we would work things out after last night I'm not sure so I'm feeling heart-broken.

((((HUGS)))))

We are here when you are ready to talk.

incognito, I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.

BB

quote:

I've seen my T twice this week and at first I thought we would work things out after last night I'm not sure so I'm feeling heart-broken.

This sounds like a very lost feeling. I'm sorry things are so confusing right now. ((((incognito)))) As Liese said, we're here if you need to process.

(((Incognito))) I'm sorry for your pain and confusion.

Thank you Liese, BB, yaku, and STRMS

It has been an incredibly difficult few days and I'm finally feeling like myself. It was hard for me to discuss because during my Wednesday night session it felt like I fell into a huge pit of despair. I'm not sure why because my T was telling me that my fear of him and my difficulty with trust was understandable considering my childhood which is something we've discussed so many times before. He told me that we would have to keep discussing it as often as I needed to and probably continually during our work together. That seems now to be understanding and supportive.

Wednesday night I felt like I was doomed to a lifetime of that much pain and distrust and fear and I was so upset. I felt like I had spent almost three years struggling to open up and talk with my T something that I've been able to do so much more in the last three months and that was all wasted because I was still stuck in the same feeling of fear and mistrust. I felt permamently broken and I couldn't believe I've been working so hard to be in the same place. At the end of the session I barely stumbled out of the office and the building before I practically collapsed into a heap of tears and shakes. It was freezing rain and I couldn't even feel it. I even did something that embarrasses me and was so out of it I didn't realize that my T would come out and see me because I was the last session of the day. It was awful when I heard him. I froze and hoped the earth would open up and swallow me. Then I hoped he would just walk by and ignore me but all he did is after waiting a long time was suggest we speak again on Thursday.

Wednesday night and Thursday are like a blur to me of pain and sadness. I didn't even feel like myself. It is almost like I was trapped in a much younger, weaker, sadder version of myself. I finally started to come out of it Thursday night when I had to go to a school meeting and afterwards I managed to talk to one of the few people in my life who know about my childhood and my therapy (I'm very careful not to talk to her to often or give her too many details).

I spoke to my T on Thursday for about 10 minutes but I don't remember much more than him telling me I was in a bad place right now but it didn't mean I was going to stay there and just because I felt worse didn't mean I was heading in one direction and then he asked me to come to my session on Monday.

Today I managed to call and leave him a message saying that I was feeling better but I was starting to worry that my behaviour wednesday night was too freaky or scary and he was going to reject me and I asked him to call or email me about it. I was unusually honest and clear in my message because I wanted to know so I wouldn't spend the weekend worrying and making it so hard for me to go to my session on Monday. He sent me an email saying he wasn't scared or disengaging in anyway. I am feeling so relieved and so much better about everything. I'm grateful for my T and grateful for this peace (even though I know it will likely be a short interlude while I continue to struggle with healing).

Thank you for caring about me and being so supportive.

((((INCOGNITO)))))

Thanks for updating. I'm sorry you have been in such a bad place. But I am grateful you have your T and you are feeling solid right now with him.

((((HUGS FOR HEALING))))))

Liese

((((((((((incognito)))))))))

It sounds like the last few days were so exhausting. I'm glad your T is there for you in your hurt and that you have a break in the storm to rest and gather your energy for Monday.

quote:

my T was telling me that my fear of him and my difficulty with trust was understandable considering my childhood which is something we've discussed so many times before. He told me that we would have to keep discussing it as often as I needed to and probably continually during our work together. That seems now to be understanding and supportive.

Incognito I'm sorry the past days have been so hellish for you but I am so pleased to see how well you worked through it and it seems that you have just taken a big step forward. Regarding the quote above... your T really does understand that he will have to keep reassuring you and reminding you and discussing your trust issues and put them into the context of your past. He has no problem doing that and you need to hear him that it's okay and it does not mean you are going backwards.

It's interesting how sometimes we are upset with our Ts and then later when reason prevails within us we see their behavior differently...more as supportive and caring instead of cold and indifferent. I can tell you that I had the same experience this week with my T. I got annoyed at an email response I got from him but later when I was less emotional I realized it was a quite lovely and reassuring response and it make me feel warm and good.

You mention that you have been able to open up and tell your T so much more over the past 3 months... that is your own evidence of trust and progress right there!! But of course what happens when we start to open up so much? We get the backlash of those shame feelings and the fear that we allowed someone too close to us and we also fear that we were too vulnerable and they could hurt us. All very normal and understandable reactions ... and because you have a smart and attuned T he totally understand this and how you are feeling. He sees your progress and really wants you to come back because he knows it's the best thing for you. He really does care and want to help you.

It was great that you let your T know what you were worried about regarding your behavior Wednesday and returning on Monday. The fact that you were so clear is a good sign in that you KNEW what you needed and were able to ask for what you needed. As a result... you got what you needed... reassurance from your T. And the fact that he told you he was not scared is true because you are NOT scary at all, incognito. You are someone in pain and your T knows how to help people in pain. Your reaction was quite understandable under the cirumstances and your T knows this.

I am glad you are so relieved by his response and that you are in a zone of peace for now. I know how important that is and what a gift it feels like when our Ts can provide that for us. I think you will have a very attuned, close and warm session on Monday. I really feel like the events of the past week are very significant in your moving forward in your therapy.

Many hugs
TN