A couple of people have asked me how things are going, so rather than take over someone else's thread, I thought I'd post a quick update.

I have been out of therapy with my P (whom I still miss A LOT ) for six months. I tried two other Ts and it wasn't a good fit. So that makes zero therapy in the last 2.5 months.

All in all, I feel okay. This is the time of year when my seasonal depression really starts to close in, though, so I'm trying to keep on top of that and address it before it becomes an overwhelming problem. Mostly, I'm reading a lot about Buddhism and experimenting with some meditation exercises, trying to be mindful, not believe every thought I have is The Truth , that sort of thing. Going to yoga, trying to stay active, eat right, throwing myself into my gardening, and canning more tomatoes, applesauce, and grape jelly than I think we will ever be able to consume. Basically doing what women have been doing to deal with stress since the dawn of civilization. (Country at war? Scrub the kitchen! Keep calm and carry on.)

I'm finding Buddhist philosophy to be especially helpful. I realize now that pretty much everything that my ex-P was trying to teach me was based on Buddhism. It makes so much more sense when I go straight to that source, rather than try to read it under the guise of "CBT workbook" or whatever.

I have to admit that when I'm under a lot of (inner) stress and everything feels overwhelming and hopeless, I often have the urge to go kneel in a church and pray the rosary, because that's the way I was raised. It makes no sense, as I am no longer a practicing Catholic. I'm an atheist! But that kind of familiarity, the ritual of it, the repetition and predictability, I find comforting. So instead I am trying out meditation, repeating phrases over and over in my head (in a positive way, not all OCD/rumination-like), listening to CDs of Buddhist monks chanting... it's the same effect, but without all that death and suffering (and child molesting) that's so unpleasant in Catholicism.

Now that I finally Get It, I wish I could go back and have conversations with my P about all this stuff. Why am I so stubborn and dense? It is so frustrating for me to think how willfully obtuse and resistant I was in therapy. I was so blinded and preoccupied with my transference struggles, that I was totally missing what he was trying to teach me. Which is why, of course, I had to quit. It was getting in the way and I wasn't making progress... So, applying what I've been reading about Buddhism to this thought ... this is an excellent opportunity to practice self compassion. I am finding that there are many, MANY, opportunities for me to practice self compassion in my daily life. *sigh* Hopefully I'm starting to get the hang of it.

More later.