(((((ELIANA)))))

I'm so glad things have moved in such a positive direction for you after he forgot your appointment. I too need to see my T as a real person. I don't know how people do therapy not needing that but I guess everyone is different. If it was short-term therapy or something like that, it would make more sense.

You didn't say how he reacted to you asking if you can go twice a week but I'm guessing that he had no problem with it?? Just wondering if he just simply said, sure, here you go?'

How old is your T? Is he older than you? Is he married? Kids?

I've only ever seen T's at office buildings so I don't know what it would be like to see a T at their house. My T's office is cold and fairly impersonal with only a few aspects of his personality showing through.



Liese

Thanks for writing this, Eliana. It's always exciting to read about good therapy. I think it's miraculous to see how the relationship can grow even after you thought it was already good.

I can't imagine what it would be like to do therapy in T's home, but I really like how cozy my T's office feels so I can relate a little bit.

hi eliana,
i was moved by your story and i am so glad that after the horrible experience of him forgetting a session you had such a breakthrough session. i have also recently cried for the first time in a session with my T (have seen her for over a year now) but for me the breakthrough moment hasnt lasted (so maybe i need a few more break-downs).

it sounds like him accepting your request for 2 sessions a week and him accepting you into his home for the sessions has had a positive effect and you are able to open up more. i too see my T in her own house (i have never asked but it seems really obvious its a home and i dont think she would be working from someone elses home). but for me it seems to have more of a negative effect. the only parts i see are the hallway, the small guest toilet and the therapy room upstairs, all the other doors are closed. i still don't feel safe and i feel like i'm imposing. i think i would feel safer if it wasnt her home (my previous T worked from a shared office and i felt better there - except for when i could hear or see other people around). i am curious tho and sometimes i try to get a glimpse of the books on the shelf, notice a stain on the carpet etc. but overall her house (or the public parts i see) don't seem very homey or welcoming. actually, once she had forgotten one of the doors open and i could see into one of her 'private' rooms - this was really scary actually, i felt like i couldnt look and i didnt realy look, it just made me feel unsafe and like an impostor, the only thing i remember is that room seemed a bit more cluttered and not so refrained and stark and impersonal like the 'public' spaces.

i would really like to go more then once a week but sadly (and frustratingly) its not possible with my T. she even told me that she thinks it might be helpful for me, which made me really angry because she cant offer me that, but she said that she had to be honest when i asked.

anyway probably not helpful to you and it kinda became all about me... but this was my experience.

i hope your T keeps up the good work.

take care,
puppet

(((Liese))) (((BLT))) thank you for your replies! I don't know if I showed how much I wanted feedback on this, it's so good to be aknowledged after talking about intimate stuff going on in my life!

I left my session yesterday feeling so thankful and it's something that's still reverberating in me; I'm thankful for my T's effort, but also I'm thankful for my best friend, I'm thankful for good people, I'm thankful for this site, I'm thankful for you, etc

Liese, I so agree with you. I guess some people see Ts to help them stop smoking or deal with addictions or "bad behaviours", they probably don't need an emotional connection with Ts at all. When we're talking about a "correction" on a deeper level I think it's essencial if we want it to work well and fast, although I'm not sure how frequently this happens.

Actually, I got the feeling that it's not common at all. Seeing how my T adapted his approach towards me, and hearing him say that I needed a different approach, that I needed him to be more real, to be more human. Seriously, it took him half a year to see that, so I'm not sure people like us come along that often. Up to this point I always saw him as a distant person, although he was always understanding and nice and never judged anything I said. Recently I started joking asking "do you actually exist outside this office?" or "do you grocery shopping like normal people do?", because I couldn't imagine him as a person like me. Sort of like trying to imagine your own parents having sex... erm nop, it doesn't happen

I have to assume that it is how he behaves towards most of his clients. He also has a psychoanalysis background, which I know now it's not the most "affectionate" way of doing therapy. He has a couch in his room. Thank God he never suggested using it, probably because I've already told him very clearly how creepy I find the freaking thing! (let's not analyse that...)

Having him recognize me as a unique person, recognizing and trying to meet my specific needs, was stunning and made me feel so connected to him. I mean, last session I just felt like I could literally put my life in that man's hands. I actually *wanted* it! And it was so scary and good at the same time, to feel that kind of trust for someone else in me. To feel that maybe for once I can drop the heavy shell I carry all the time and just relax a little there. For me to let go of the control just for a while...

I asked him what was his first perception of me when he first met me and he said it was "fake confidence" (I remember I showed up very business like and confident, and ended up the session crying and unable to speak) and that I seemed to be looking desperately for someone I could trust.

It's a bit early to say that he is the person I trust most in this world, but I feel it's heading that way, and it's so scary. But I think now it's a "good fear", you know. I do wanna trust him, and I have a good feeling about him. It's still scary though, everytime I've done this before it crashed and burnt.

Liese, he behaved very casually when I asked him for a second appointment, like I had just asked him what was the time. I was very worried about asking for it, I was scared of being too much for him, that he would say "no, I have enough of you 50 minutes every freaking week" Instead he said that the only problem would be I would have to see him at his practice where he lives, which is nearly one hour and a half driving. I said I was okay with it, and made sure he was okay with it too, if he wasn't worried that I would be too much, that I was worried about where things could end. And he said that he was okay with it, that yes, it will be a bit "dangerous" for us both but that we'll work it out together.

My T is 65 (my dad's age ), I'm on my late twenties. Funny you ask whether he's married or has kids Liese! I think these are the only questions about him I don't want to ask I don't know to be honest. I suspect (and hope) a little that he doesn't have anyone, but I really don't know. I know I would be crushed if I found out that he is indeed married and has kids, so I prefer not to ask for now. I'm curious about why you asked though!

puppet, I'm sorry your breakthrough moment was short lived, I can imagine how vulnerable you must have felt. I think what truly made a difference for me was seeing how my T handled a bad moment between us. In a way I'm glad it happened because otherwise I wouldn't know that he cares and is capable of fixing us.

I find it interesting that you have a different experience from mine! I didn't feel imposing at my T's house at all (although now that I think about it maybe I should have?), perhaps because I know he sees most of his clients there anyway, and he also said he prefers it there. I don't know, I just felt his easygoingness (is that a word? ) about it.

I wonder if you caught some of your T's awkwardness about her own house?

((Eliana))

I'm so happy to hear about the relationship with your T - it's heartwarming

I'm glad you can see him 2x a week and that you're able to see him in a more casual place. I think even people just going for something little need that kind of connection too - I know my T1's modality is client-centered which emphasizes the 'realness' of the T - she's told me she's sort of an open book with everyone even in her personal life. I'd actually not be surprised if she discloses LESS with me because of my triggers. But wow does it make a difference in the level of trust I feel and I'm glad you are feeling that and taking it in from your T. My other T is not client centered but I know more about her family (including kid's names, ages, what some of them do for hobbies/work) she's super disclosey even in groups and stuff and that made me trust her too.

I think it's great when Ts can really take a look at us and find out what we need and meet us where we're at. In your reply to puppet I can also relate to seeing T heal things making a big difference. Sometimes I go through intense waves of transference and couple that with being extremely sensitive and my Ts and I work out a lot of crap. It's so heart warming to feel valued as a person and as part of a relationship.

I wonder what people's neighbors thing when the house w/ the T has all these people going in and out if they didn't know they were a T. Piano lessons? LOL

((Eliana)) keep up the great work

Eliana.... this is such great news! You were very brave to ask for the second session and I'm so glad it worked out well for you. I see my T twice a week and it has really made such a positive difference in establishing a trusting relationship and in enabling me to stay contained and regulated through the week (although I do have to send an email once in awhile in between).

I only see my T in his office which is okay but I don't really love it as much as oldT's office. He does have some personal things around mostly his books (which he tells me I'm free to look through) and gifts from clients he has collected over the years. I don't know how I'd feel if I saw a T in their own house. I have seen a number of T's and all have had offices except for one T who used the office in a local church for clients. It's hard enough to know that my T's wife has moved into the office suite and is there ocassionally which freaks me out although I have managed to avoid seeing her so far.

I'm am so happy to hear how well your relationship is going and that your T has been able to hear you and to adapt his style to be the one that is most helpful to you and in your developing trust in him. And keep in mind that six months in therapy is not long at all. You are still just getting to know each other.

Please keep us updated as to how your sessions are going. I look forward to reading more good things. Way to go, Eliana!!

Hugs
TN

eliana,
no i dont think u should feel like you're imposing at all and i'm glad that u didnt! i think its my issue, i dont find it easy feeling 'welcome' in other people's homes, or just welcome in general i guess.
thanks for your reply!

puppet

Thinking of you Eliana. How are things going?

TN

(((TN)))!!! ((((puppet))) (((catalyst)))
Sorry I didn't come back sooner to update you all, jubilee weekend here plus working overtime took its toll on me.

Just came back from session with my T, went really well and I could notice how much more in sync and casual we both were with each other. I didn't feel the need to ask him about personal stuff today (funny how his willingness to do that took the urgency away), we were also working on my (lack of) self confidence, I really enjoyed it and ended it feeling quite refreshed and positive.

I should also mention another thing: Yesterday I decided to google T's name (I've done that before but wasn't very enthusiastic while searching) and this time I found out a short blog he wrote a couple of years ago related to one of his hobbies. I really dislike doing this, I'm always really worried that I end up finding out something about him that I'm not okay with, which will lead either to termination or confrontation, does anyone get that as well?

Anyway, he only had a few posts but it was so heart warming to read his words, he has this honest and sweet way of writing, never forgets to thank his friends and say how important they are, he uses poetic adjectives to describe the weather and was open about how a certain song made him miss home... it made me go Some of his posts had replies and was so nice to read several people wishing him well and sending him love.

Maybe he's actually a good guy

(((((ELIANA)))))

So glad things worked out with your T. Your story reminds me of how scary it feels to be angry with someone important but to learn that they take you seriously and care about your feelings. It really feels good, doesn't it?

He sounds like a good guy.

Liese