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I told my T! update: ?

J janedoeMember
*** possible trigger warning: vague references to abuse ****


I have been struggling to talk about a specific trauma thing that happened in my life. Except for the first 12 hours the first time it happened, and once with my old T when I was in a dissociative state, I simply have never been able to actually speak the words of what happened.

During the first 12 hours after the first time I was hurt by a person in a position of authority and trust (who yes, hurt me more than once) I was checked out/examined by a doctor who documented a lot (to be vague) and then spoke to a police officer. I didn't get far in speaking to the police officer. I won't go into why. After I shut down with the officer, I swore to myself I would never speak of what happened. Everything inside told me that it was not safe. I told myself, "no one can know."

But it didn't work out that way. The jerk had access to me again. I told him go away, I reached out to someone who knew me, and I couldn't say a thing, but they said that I looked terrified and I kept saying please don't leave me alone with him... and they refused to leave me alone, no matter what. They were still told to leave and I was left alone with this jerk, but the person who had been with me raised a stink about not being able to be with me, and just knew something had to be wrong for me to be that scared. It caused someone else to go back into medical records and the doctor who had examined me before, had documented enough that they put two and two together and figured out what happened. Damage was done again, but serious action to protect me was taken too - without me saying or doing anything. It was good that they did. (And they did it in a way that very much protected my privacy too). When I found out that they all figured out what I thought no one would know about, it was very hard. It didn't help me talk of it.

Today, I called my T and told her in my own words part of what happened. She is very ok with me leaving her any messages to tell her anything anytime. I just called her and started talking. I didn't say a lot of what happened. I just told her of one part. It was all I could do. I explained I just wanted to try to say something.

I did. I said something. I didn't even say much. But I still said something. I needed to.

I'm shaking and I feel weird and sick and very tired. My head keeps begining to think all kinds of things and then I just stop. My body feels a million feelings. I start to think maybe this was a bad idea. Yet, I haven't been able to tell her in her office, and I had to say something... I needed to for me... I feel like crap. Yet I'm still glad I said it. I have no idea why. I'm very surprised by how many awful physical sensations and feelings I am having. I also feel some kind of small relief or release. I feel like some kind of wall I have been running into over and over with great pain, melted. I don't like what is coming through, but I am tired of all the walls I have in my own self with myself. (I'm probably not making much sense at this point.)

I'm scared. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I'm losing it, maybe I've triggered myself becoming flooded with more than I could, maybe need to call my T and tell her what's going on now, maybe I need to tell her nevermind (ha, too late for that) maybe I need to ask for a call back or maybe I just need to reassure myself I'm not crazy... or maybe I am. I don't know. Any feedback/advice/input/thoughts or anything would be much appreciated.

~jd
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room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Way to go Jane!

quote:
I did. I said something. I didn't even say much. But I still said something. I needed to.


Leaving a message seems like it was the perfect bridge for you to pass information to your T - safe, not face-to-face, and something that you could spit out at your own pace, and your T will be able to do with it what needs to be done. Bravo for finding a new communication tool that is useful to your healing!!

quote:
I'm very surprised by how many awful physical sensations and feelings I am having. I also feel some kind of small relief or release. I feel like some kind of wall I have been running into over and over with great pain, melted. I don't like what is coming through, but I am tired of all the walls I have in my own self with myself.


You're making sense, plenty of sense. It's that iceberg feeling I get too. When a bit of the "ice" is melting off, I often feel that rush of melting, taking my buried thoughts and feelings and running wild with them for a while. I quickly try to "re-freeze" and build up a new layer to cover the yuck, but my T helps me not to add too much new ice. Little by little, as the layers melt away, what they reveal is a bit rocky, full of frozen nuggets, some good, some bad, but ultimately by letting things melt, I'll find the good me buried way down, and not need to rebuild the layers...

I do think your call was a great idea. If you want to hear back from your T, I would also call back and say something along the lines of "now that I've left you that other message, I'm a little anxious (or insert other feelings) and would appreciate if you could call me and just let me know you got it." Or something like that?

(((((Jane)))))
yakusokuyakusokuMember
***References trauma, but no details.***

Jane, it's great that you were able to tell even just a little bit. I think a voicemail is a perfect way to do it. I can understand how overwhelming even that little bit can be. All I have verbally said to T about my trauma was that people did stuff I didn't want and I couldn't say no, I can feel it happening to me sometimes, and I feel very scared and upset. Everything else he knows is from me writing about it, because I literally cannot say the words and even the bit I did say has knocked me out for weeks now. So, you are very brave for saying even the tiniest bit! I think it would be good to call back and follow up, as R2G says, about how sharing that made you feel and let T know if you need some reassurance. (((((((Jane))))))) You are so good. You have been such a support to me when you are going through so much and I want you to know you are truly a blessing. It's OK to rest and receive the care you need! I don't know why that came in my head, but it did, so I am sharing.
J janedoeMember
Room2Grow, Deepfried, Yaku ~ thanks so much for the encouragement!

R2G, I like your iceberg metaphor. I recently had an experience with my T and it felt like something was melting away, and I couldn't look at what was left, but it elt likea relief to just have the wall melt away. Then the very next week, it was like everything build up again and froze over. I was so frustrated, but too scared to not have the wall. But now with the help of my T, it seems to be breaking down again...

I think I might call my T and ask for maybe a call back. I feel so physically sick, and maybe I just need to hear her say "it's ok."

DF ~ yeah, it helps to just get it out, and in some ways, it feels like I gave a little of it to my T to "hold" for now. Thanks for your kind words.

Yaku ~ it is so hard to rest and receive, I am so driven and so "go go go" and so focused on trying to take care of me that I forget to stop and at least try to rest and take in care. Thanks for the reminder.

~jd
ladygreyladygreyMember
I think its wonderfully brave of you to have called and left this message for your T, JD. I also understand how scary it can be when you share an experience so personal, even with someone with whom you have so much trust. It can feel so vulnerable which is a frightening emotion because it is so closely associated with abuse.

When do you meet with T again? I'm hoping soon so that she can comfort you and make you feel less vulnerable, less exposed.
J janedoeMember
Morgs ~ thank you, so needed

LG ~ Thanks.
It does feel very exposing. My next appointment is Monday evening. I am thinking of leaving a message soon and asking her to call me anyhow. I don't know if she will even get the message before Monday anyhow, but I've been pretty flooded this afternoon since leaving the message... I'm kinda thinking it would be good to leave a message just in case she does happen to get it and does happen to be able to call me this weekend.


I guess a lot got stirred up... I think for tonight, I'm just going to bail on plans I had - which I don't want to do, but ever since I called her, I feel like crud physically. Maybe I just need to crash and sleep and try again tomorrow. Frowner
J janedoeMember
Puppet ~ thank you for the support and encouragement.


I did get a call back from my T this morning. She was calling about something else, but then got my message, and then called back and said she got it, was very proud of me, and looked forward to talking later about anything I needed to (her way of reminding me no pressure). I got her voicemail to me at work today, and I felt so relieved.

Smiler
J janedoeMember
I saw my T tonight and it went ok.

She reassured me about the message I left and what I said. She said she even felt proud of me for saying what I did. She said a lot of other things too… I started to feel a lot of fear when I felt her caring and acceptance of me and compassion for me. I told her about the fear, and we talked a little about how deal with it. We didn't have time to really talk about why I felt like that, and I really didn't want to anyhow. I'm guessing it's attachment wounds and trauma. She said my fear didn't surprise her in light of what I have been through. I told my T I feel gross. My T said I'm not disgusting. My head tells me yeah, of course, that feeling is just the trauma talking... but my heart really needed to hear it.

I feel really physically cold since my session. I don't feel scared. I do not feel so caught up in the relationship with my T - and that is helpful. I do feel a little overwhelmed by the memory of what happened. I’m super glad my T and I spent a lot of time on containment today. I feel sick, physically, but not as bad as I thought I would. I feel really sad too. We talked about recent events that I have felt helpless and sad about and how it’s all mixed together with past stuff.

I feel really jumbled up inside, and I'm not sure if I seem like that on the outside. I'm posting this here partly just to try to not keep it all inside.
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
Jane,

You are doing really hard and exhausting work. I'm happy to see that you are reaching out to your T and reaching out here.

I'm sorry I wasn't around to respond to your original post in this thread. I think it is a really good step that you told your T and the way that you told her sounds like it was a way for you to stick your toe in the water so to speak. It was very brave of you.

Thinking of you and hoping you are getting some rest tonight. (((hugs)))
S sadlyMember
I am cheering you all the way from India. I am so impressed with you for starting to talk about all this and totally sympathetic to how it feels, like the body sensations resurfacing etc, as they do. It is wonderful that you are now telling to your safe T. I want to do a bunny dance for you. Dance of joy. Yes, it is tough telling, but the more I tell the more I find I can tell. I too have some things I have not yet told and I know that someday I may have to face those but I also know that I can take it one step at a time and not tell anything until I am ready and feel that I can, hard and painful though it will always be -
so glad you T is so there for you, Hugs
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Aaah, the iceberg metaphor... I actually learned that one from a recovery counselor early in my al-anon work. It makes a lot of sense, as I too, do exactly that - things seem to melt away during therapy, and then they've refrozen by my very next session, though it seems they aren't as solid, and break down a little easier each time!

(((Jane)))
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Sorry you are feeling foggy and jumbly, Jane, but it's ok. You don't sound spacy when you post, if that makes sense, and even if you did- that would be ok, too. I know for a fact I'm foggy/spacy a lot of the time! Big Grin I'm so glad it was a good session. I hope that you can let some of that light in, even if it hurts. ooooh that is a hard place to be.

hugs,

BB
J janedoeMember
STRM ~ thank you so much for your support. It means a lot.

Sadly ~ thank you so much! All the way from India too! I have talked with my T about so many things, and yet this subject has been one of the handful of things that I just couldn’t talk about. My T has know of it in a very vague way, but I just haven’t been able to talk at all, until now. My T was so compassionate and so understanding. She says she understands more about why I’ve been so silent about it for so long, but she was so thrilled I started to talk about it, I thought SHE was going to do the bunny dance! lol. It was good to sense how happy she was, and she said she was even proud of me, especially in the midst of talking about something that is so deeply painful – pain she was very validating of too.

Yaku ~ thanks so much, you are so sweet.

R2G ~ I’m so glad it gets easier each time! That gives me hope. Smiler

BB ~ thanks for the reassurance that I don’t sound really jumbled up. It’s hard when I feel that way, because I want to connect and communicate, and I try, but then I just feel so unsure about how it all sounds. Later, when I come out of the spacey fog a little, I tend to feel weird about what I posted while in the fog. It’s a battle - one I need to find some steady ground in. Anyhow… I was struck by your words about letting the light in – those are perfect words. My Ts are acting in a way that is like letting light in on very dark stuff, and it is painful but healing. It’s like I open curtains on window in all my walls and barriers and some of the light comes in for a moment, and then I shut the curtains again. It’s dark again, but I have the memory of what it looked like inside when the light came in…


thanks everyone,
~jd
J janedoeMember
The sessions with my Ts went well… and the thought of going back is almost unbearable. I'm flooded with feelings that don't make sense and I can't even describe. Some of them are good, some of them are just confusing.

I hurt really badly inside. All I want right now is my T to be present and with me. Just here. Maybe it's a little like how little kids want a mom to hold them. I don't want my T, or anyone else to touch me. I think I would be physically sick with some kind of weird body reaction to it if that happened. I do want my T to just be litterally present with me in this pain.

I have an appointment tomorrow, a last minute one. I seriously am having a hard time with "needing" anything, let alone "simple" presence. Not answers or solutions. All I want is just for my T to just be there.

It's very confusing for me. The last time I remeber feeling thsi way was when I was 12 and had to have surgery for a broken arm. I just wanted to curl up next to my mom on her bad and cry. Not be touched, just be near her as I cried through the pain of recovering from the surgery.

I feel like I am in emotional surgery right now and it hurts like crazy and I just want to have my T be there in the same way.

There is probably a lot of tranference happening for me right now.
J janedoeMember
I saw my T this morning. It is a blur in my mind... but she was present, just like I so longed for her to be.

I described to my T my wanting to just have her there. I told her it felt simillar to when I was 12 and broke my arm, how I didn't want my mom to touch me or hold me, but I wanted her close, and there near me as I felt so much physical pain. I told my T I felt bad for wanting this kind of presence now as I walked through emotional pain. I felt like it was childish and weird. (just my self-judgement of me.)

She said that one of the best things about the therapy relationship is that this is something she can very much do - be with me and my needs in a boundaried way. She doesn't have to overwhlem me, rush in and fix, or run away, but she can be present.

It was very hard. I didn't want her to be kind, as it made so much pain surface. But I was so glad she was kind and very present with me.

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and support through this.
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
quote:
She said that one of the best things about the therapy relationship is that this is something she can very much do - be with me and my needs in a boundaried way. She doesn't have to overwhlem me, rush in and fix, or run away, but she can be present.

Thank g-d for that! My T said almost the same thing, and honestly, it really freaked me out because it meant I could actually be fully open and honest with her, and "give" her some of the burdens I've been carrying since childhood so I didn't have to carry them alone.

quote:
It was very hard. I didn't want her to be kind, as it made so much pain surface. But I was so glad she was kind and very present with me.
((((Jane)))) Good for you! So freaking hard to do this. For me, today, my Ts kindness really broke through something and unleashed some wicked tears.

Keep doing the great work - one baby step at a time!

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