I really am amazed, that you were able to tell your T this stuff! You should be proud of yourself! I will be thinking of you and I hope you will talk with your T about it!

Hang in there...hug!

((Incognito )) - aaahhh, the things we do. I would do and feel exactly the same as you - exactly. Except - I wouldn't have been honest about the FB pictures.
It is a good way to describe it - our impulsive self destructive mode - being the therapy version of self harm.

I did the same as you - when I was bringing up the childhood stuff with youngT - I was swamped with bad emotions and at the same time was more and more attached to T - I was having internal fights with myself on so many different fronts - a lot was the memories, a lot was the intimacy and the attachment with T - and a lot was about fighting off and pushing away every thing around me. it felt like I was a boxer in the corner of a boxing ring and I was lashing out and fighting anyone near me.

Good luck with your session.

I'm freaking out. I asked my T to let me know if we were still meeting tonight and I haven't heard from him. I even called in the middle of the night and left him a voicemail telling him I had sent him an email that I wanted him to read before our session. I just finished lunch here and usually he responds before he starts for the day or during his lunch hour. I guess I go whether he contacts me or not and try to face whatever happens. I hate when therapy is so painful.

Aw, incognito, I'm sorry for the anxiety you are experiencing right now.

If it makes you feel any better, I've FB "stalked" my T as well, but hey, her profile is public. *shrugs* I assume this means it isn't something she cares about or is worried about. I would think Ts are aware clients sometimes get needy and/or curious and are liable to do a quick internet search. They are responsible for what they put online. We haven't done anything immoral or illegal.

Incognito--

I know first hand what it's like to wait on a response from an email. I've done it a lot with T (that's a whole other topic). Waiting to find out what they are going to say is probably the hardest, longest wait ever. I hate it. I hate waiting until session to handle everything. But, then again, I guess that's therapy.

I do hope that T is understanding and doesn't get upset easily. Most likely he will be reassuring that it's all going to be okay, and that he understands where you are coming from.

Yes, I admit. I stalk T on the Internet. It's an obsession. She's got a FB, and I can see the pic, but I can't see anything else. I like what Heldincompassion said---what they put on the internet is their issue, not ours. We have a right to information and if it's on the Internet is for the entire world to see. Information freedom!

Let us know how your session goes. You are in our thoughts!

--Broken

((((INCOGNITO)))))

Incognito

My heart goes out to you! I too, did an internet search of my former Psychologist right after she left. I was very distraught and it was a comfort to me to know that she was out there somewhere and didn't just vanish off the face of the earth! I think I felt that if I couldn't take it anymore and I just had to see her, I could find her! Is that screwed up or what? Anyway, I wished you the best!

As always,

FG

I went to my session. My T did eventually respond to my email after I called him and asked him if he had read it or not and if we were meeting. He thought it was a forward of the night before's email so he wrote and said he wasn't upset and we were definitely meeting.

My session was difficult because I was so emotional after the last couple of days. He didn't explain why he wasn't angry. Then he started talking to me about why he thought my childhood experiences affected me so much which is a continuation of last week's conversation. It didn't mean much to me tonight but I didn't have the guts to change the conversation. He told the way through the pain is to have compassion for myself which I think I have but he thinks I don't and then we don't go anywhere else. I want some concrete suggestions about how to do that or how to manage the anxiety around not be able to connect with him when I feel so needy or something.

I'm exhausted and confused. My T is always there for me but I can't seem to reach him sometimes.

DF,

I'm probably not writing clearly because I feel like I've been through the wringer. He didn't read the email until after I left a message asking him if he read it and whether we were meeting tonight. He did respond soon after with an email saying he wasn't freaking out, we could talk about it and I wasn't approaching being "fired" which he meant reassuringly because we have had the discussion about whether he has ever fired a patient and why he would have to and so our shorthand when I worry about what is going on is for one of us to refer to it as a "firing offence" or a "firing".

When I got there he asked me why I thought he would get angry when last time he hadn't. I said I felt bad about the facebook searching and I knew he hadn't been but when he didn't answer I started to worry. He told me he thought I was looking to connect with him because our conversations last week stirred up a lot of emotion for me. what didn't come next was any discussion of what else I could do when I was in that much pain and I couldn't connect with him. He didn't volunteer anything and I didn't ask to discuss it.

Then he switched the discussion to try and address the major point of our discussions from last week I'm sure in an effort to try and reduce my anxiety. The problem for me was I just wasn't concerned with that conversation anymore and I didn't know how to stop him and talk about anything else. He then offered me an appointment tomorrow afternoon which isn't usual for me but I missed my monday appointment because of the holiday. I was too tired to decide about it.

Thanks for asking about it DF. Writing this has helped me reflect on the session more and helped me realize that in some ways it was better than I felt when I left. Also I realized that just because he didn't go into a discussion that didn't mean I couldn't in the future. I would like to ask him why the facebook stuff doesn't bother him and ask him what else I could do when I feel like that. I just feel like he pre-empted that by telling me to have compassion for myself which I think I do and yet doesn't have the same "magical" healing quality that he thinks it will have.

((((INCOGNIT)))))

I am so glad he wasn't mad about the FB stuff. I love the way he reacts about it all. I'm thinking about the compassion stuff. Is he referring to your childhood stuff or the FB stuff or both?

I've been thinking a lot about compassion myself lately. I had this *mean* friend growing up. When we were playing and I *didn't get my way* she would make fun of me for moping to get attention. *Oh, there goes Liese, moping again because she didn't get her way." I grew up thinking I was soooo pathetic. How could I possibly mope? (I was 6 years old.)

Anyway, lately I've been thinking about another incident with her. My uncle had died. I sooooo wanted her to care about me and was *moping* on the way to the bus stop. As was usual, I wanted her to ask me what was wrong. I wanted to tell her that my uncle had died and I wanted her sympathy.

But, instead, she noticed I was *moping*, asked me what was wrong, and when I told her my uncle had died, she replied, "so what", rolled her eyes and walked away.

I beat myself up for so many years for being such a pathetic human being. I can't even begin to tell you what I thought I did wrong or what was so pathetic. I just thought I was bad, that I did something bad.

Now, when I looked at that incident, I just see that I desperately wanted her to care about me. And, I see how utterly mean she was. And I am developing compassion for myself, for having needs, for wanting her to care about me, even though she clearly didn't. I was so young. How could I know any different?

And, so, anyway, back to the FB incident. It does sound like to me that you are judging yourself, calling yourself some kind of pathetic human being (my words, not yours) for wanting that connection with your T when things felt bad or disconnected. I think I would agree with T that you are not being compassionate about this incident (I don't know if he was talking about it re: this or the other stuff you were talking about) and that you are showing yourself more compassion when you understand and not judge yourself for being a normal human being who wanted connection with her T when things felt a bit disconnected or maybe you felt angry with him for pushing that topic and that caused the disconnection. We all just need the same thing as human beings and some people arent' more entitled than others to receive it. Some people are just feel more entitled to receive it.

xoxoxo

BIG HUGS

Liese

((Incognito)) - I think T is being consistent and calm. I am sure he is thankful for your honesty in telling him (looking at T's FB account or googling them - I am sure most of us do it) and he isn't making a bit deal of it. I think he is right when he says you were probably trying to connect with him. He is a wise T - but I wonder how quickly he is going to make their FB photos private

I had another session with my T today and it went really well. I sent him an email last night describing a moment of compassion I had for myself yesterday. It happened when I hadn`t heard from him for four hours in response to my email and I started to think he was really angry at me. I realized that I was an adult with a husband who loved me and would listen to me if I needed to talk, at least 3 friends I could talk to honestly about my childhood, and I could find another therapist. Even though I would survive whatever happened with my T I was struggling to keep calm and function. It occurred to me that if I was struggling so much know I could only imagine what terror I must have lived with as a child when I had no resources or ability to survive.

We talked a lot about how compassion for yourself can shift things enough for you that you can act differently. It did yesterday when it gave me a break from my worries long enough that I realized it would be easier to call and ask him to respond to my email rather than worry about what his silence meant.

After that conversation I was able to talk a little more clearly about the anxiety and fear I felt building up this weekend. I described some of the things I did to try and cope including talking to my husband and two different friends and distracting myself for part of the time by taking the children to a fair and seeing two movies. I also managed to talk a bit about my fear of remembering more of the traumatic events in my childhood.

Near the end, I asked him why it didn`t bother him that I searched facebook and he told me that he thought it was a natural thing to do when I was feeling alone and anxious and stressed and so he thought I was trying to connect with him. I asked him what I could do instead if I was feeling like that and he told me I could email him at his mobile email account. I reminded him that when I first started seeing him 3 years ago he told me he preferred to keep contact only during office hours by phone or email and he didn`t check his office email during evenings and weekends. He has given me permission to contact him at the other account a particular times such as when he was on vacation or when he was leaving his office and he hadn`t had a chance to return my call. I asked him if there were any other things we could do and he said a world of things. Part of me is wondering if I asked him for a picture of him or a written note or some other object that would represent our connection but I didn`t and the session was over.

I feel like we made some progress today both with my childhood issues and with our relationship. Maybe I will be able to have some more compassion for myself when I`m overwhelmed in the present like you talked about Liese.

SD, he did tell me that he went home and told his wife that her facebook pictures were public so I think she will change her privacy settings, LOL.

Thank you everyone for your support.

quote:

We talked a lot about how compassion for yourself can shift things enough for you that you can act differently. It did yesterday when it gave me a break from my worries long enough that I realized it would be easier to call and ask him to respond to my email rather than worry about what his silence meant.

Wow, incognito...this shows amazing progress. That is a huge step forward. You should be proud of yourself. You should also be proud of yourself for going back to the things you felt you didn't address during your last session or two. That took courage, especially asking him about the FB account. But, incognito, your T is exactly right and he really gets it... you were searching for connection back to him when you were stressed and anxious. Most of us do the same things so please don't feel that you did anything abnormal. He is your attachment figure and we are hard-wired biologically to seek out our attachment figure when we are scared, stressed, anxious or have other needs. So what you did shows how healthy you are.

It was great that your T offered to have you email him at his personal email account on off-hours. This is good. I think it shows that he knows you well enough now to know you won't abuse it or over use it ... he is showing his trust in you. I think it would be fine to use it if you need to. Remember, it was HIS choice to offer this to you. You didn't MAKE him do that. You were asking for options and that is fine. Don't feel guilty or anything. And use it if you need to. Those are his boundaries to keep.

You lived with a lot of terror as a child and the trauma part of that is not having a choice but to endure whatever abuse happened to you. As children we don't have the option to go down the street and ask another family to take us in. We do have choices now. And yes, while it still feels horribly scary, it is not truly dangerous (as my T is fond of reminding me over and over) to talk about what happened with a T. For them it's just information that enables them to know us better and to better help us heal. (Now if I can only put that into practice myself ).

You can still ask him for that transitional object or a picture of him when the time is right for you. You don't have to do this all at once. You have come very far! Good work!

Hugs
TN

((((INCOGNITO))))

You sound so much better. And the discussion with your T was so comforting.

I was thinking about how he had compassion for you even if you didn't have it for yourself: that he wasn't angry you were searching through the facebook, that he realized that you were only trying to connect, that it wasn't such a great way for you to feel connected to him as it only brought more shame up for you on top of the fact that you weren't even actually connecting with him and that he offered you a better way to stay connected. Phewww. That was a real mouthful. I don't want to say a real way to stay connected but something more concrete and maybe yes, real.

Wow, I'm wondering what that world of things is that he is referring to? What do you think? I'm so curious. Like the sky is the limit. I love the picture idea. I'd love to have a picture of my T or maybe take a picture of him from my phone.

You are so brave to tell him about the FB stuff and also to ask for another way to stay connected. I don't think I'm able to do that yet. But I might bring up your story in my session on Monday. So, if your ears are burning somewhere between 11:15 and 12:00 EST you will know why. LOL!!!

Liese