(((SD))) I had a really confusing dynamic with ultra-strict parenting on one side of my family, and a parent seemingly ignorant of the entire concept of boundaries on the other. I responding by emulating the strictness with myself and parenting the boundry-less parent. I still tend to do this in relationship, manage boundaries and enforce rules for others, even when they offer healthy flexibility. It is a kind of opposite problem, but equally painful, I imagine.
(((TAS))) It takes a lot of courage to take the feedback you're getting. I really hope you're able to stick with the idea that you are harming yourself (not your T), although as AG says, you are maybe setting up the dynamic of perceiving him as cruel, and commit to treating yourself as you deserve, which is hard when you were poisoned with the idea of deserving pain and mistreatment. There are times I find myself wishing my T to be withholding and cruel, because then my internal world makes more sense. I don't have such a push-pull conflict inside. He won't do it. It would certainly be easier for my T to give up on me and just be who I insist on seeing him as, or your T to give in to what you want, but like a good parent, they're going to do what is best for us, not what is easiest for them.
As a parent of a four-year-old, I can tell you that giving my child reasonable consequences for her choices, or even allowing her to experience natural consequences without intervening in most cases, is not an enjoyable experience. No one wants to see someone they care about deeply in pain, even if they caused the pain themselves, to a certain degree. She is getting to the age where I have to let her make certain decisions, even if I advise against it, warn her in advance about the consequences, and then let her experience them if she makes a choice that is not in her best interest. Otherwise, she won't learn how to live in the world, in relationship with other people.
It's painful, sometimes, to witness how much disappointment she can face because of her decisions. The drive to rescue her from that sort of pain or give her grace against the consequences to alleviate my own discomfort watching her struggle, can be very strong. It takes a very strong love, and a long-term view of her well-being, for me to be that sort of parent, especially with my own triggers (from extreme neglect and dissociated pain/disappointment). By doing so, I help nurture a child into a teen, and eventually an adult, who is capable of being responsible for herself, maintaining her own relationships, getting her own needs met within them, and lives in a world where others should be similarly responsible for themselves. I am sending a message of confidence, that she is increasingly capable of making decisions for herself (not much yet at four-years-old), coping with (or celebrating) consequences while learning from those choices.
My T is very giving, but he won't let me off the hook of taking responsibility for myself. He will do the same with me as I do with Boo. And that is to give wise, experienced, advice, but to respect my responsibility to make decisions for myself. I don't run from sessions with him, but inside of sessions, I often make decisions to avoid certain topics or exercises which are beneficial, or needed, because of my discomfort with vulnerability. He simply tells me that he's concerned we'll run out of time for those things and there will be pain and disappointment on my end, but he allows me to take responsibility for which way to go, whether to risk the vulnerability, or to risk eventual disappointment. I don't like it at all at the time. My family's problems with boundaries made it such that all my decisions were based on what others needed/wanted from me, and not my own needs. So, without those cues, it gets really painful, frustrating, a sort of frozen terror. It sounds like you have some of the same, even if it manifests differently.
I wonder if there is a way you can help yourself through the need to run. For example, could you write on here or in a journal (since I know you can't contact your T with these feelings outside of session) when you feel the need to run away and quit?
Could you make yourself a promise, like:
"Unless I have an emergency (physical illness, scheduling conflict, etc.) that requires me to cancel my session, I will wait at least 24 hours from my first strong desire to cancel (or other distancing actions like returning his gifts) before taking any action. Feelings of terror, projections, and transference, do not constitute an emergency."
Then, maybe you could write here about what is driving the need to cancel? And the pros and cons of the decision. Or in a journal, asking yourself important questions.
1. If I cancel this session, my T will not allow me to see him or communicate with him in any way for an extra week. How will this make me feel toward my T? How will this make me feel toward/about myself?
2. What am I afraid will happen if I keep my commitment and attend this session?
3. Is the thing I fear something I have control over (i.e. whether or not I am ready to discuss a certain topic--it's OK to set a boundary there and say that you only felt safe showing up by making a commitment to yourself that you aren't there trust-wise to be that vulnerable)? Is the thing I fear something I could ease myself into by talking simply about what I'm afraid will happen, so my T can give feedback on it?
4. What do I gain by pushing my T away right now? Safety, in not having to share? Punishing him for not being exactly what I want in the hopes that it will make him change?
5. How likely are those strategies to produce the desired result? Will I actually feel safer if I push him away and then perceive him as abandoning me by not being willing to come rescue me with a later session? Will he feel punished by my action or will I actually be punishing vulnerable parts inside for wanting to connect to him when I'm afraid of his rejection? Has he ever shown any indication that he will rescue me from the consequences of unwise, self-sabotaging decisions?
6. What things could help me wait through the need to run? Could I express this to a person I trust or on the forum or write it out as a story/fantasy, what I would want to happen if I canceled this appointment vs. what I can actually expect to happen? Could I make a list of all the ways my T has shown he cares and values me to combat some of my projections/transference reactions?
7. When I am feeling like my T is going to be cruel and push me too hard or reject me, who in my life (past or present) does that most remind me of? Can I think of ways my T is different than that person?
8. What do I MOST need now (not in the immediate moment, but say for the week as a whole)? How can I accomplish meeting that need? How can I avoid sabotaging that need?
9. What is behind the desire to sabotage that need (for my T)? What belief do I have about needing him that makes it seem loathsome or unsafe? Am I projecting those feelings about my own needs onto my T?
Those are just some examples of things you can think about while trying to make it through the need to run feelings. In the end, it's OK to decide that what you actually need is a break or space or a different T or whatever. But, for your sake, it would be really good to be honest with yourself about what you want/need, and whether the actions you are about to take are in line with meeting those needs, or whether they will have consequences that will seem unbearable days or even moments later.
I wish there was a way you could have a "I feel the need to run" outlet to your T, even without getting feedback to him. Maybe just expressing that feeling would make it feel safer. I am very careful. I express those thoughts/feelings to my T all the time, but I am very clear that there are my fear/pain/shame and not my DECISION as far as what I will do. One time, early on, I sent him a message, something along the lines of, "I feel I have to quit," because I felt like I was sabotaging my family's well-being, because of the destabilizing nature of therapy initially, and the financial consequences. When I came into that session, T had interpreted it as a desire/decision to quit, and not a feeling I was having, and asked about how I might want to make that transition. Since then, I have learned to be very clear about the difference between my feelings/fears and the decisions I am making. I would love if you could use this forum as somewhere to express the FEELINGS of needing to run (which is what your canceling is probably doing) without sabotaging yourself by acting on them spontaneously, not considering the consequences to yourself and your healing/growth.
I'm sorry this was so long. While our issues are not exactly the same, I get really stuck with the push/pull of disorganized attachment and have found that the only way through is to be committed (not to my T, although it makes it easier that there is another person involved, because consideration will keep me from sabotaging) to myself about what I KNOW is best for me, even if I am terrified. Sometimes, that commitment means just showing up, and I can't follow through with the things I need to say/do yet, and I try to learn to be OK with those consequences of needing to hide to feel safe. Sometimes it means taking a huge risk and talking about something that is terrifying and I feel certain he won't understand/accept (just did that today). But practicing with the risks of being there and allowing myself to be seen bit by bit is the way through. Showing up and trying to get better can be really hard, because it sends a message to other parts of me that I value ME, and there are rules against that. That's why my practice is to respond only to perceived needs of others, rather than consciously take action to be responsible for knowing and seeking to have my own needs met.
It's so much safer-feeling to be needless, to be garbage, because no one can hurt me if I'm nobody. But to commit to that course, to not value myself, to not challenge those messages, is to perpetrate the same abuse that poisoned me, is to keep myself locked in terror of relating to others for a life-time. It's a way I know how to navigate the world, so it feels safe from a certain perspective. Only I can choose for myself whether that false security is worth living in chains. Only you can choose for you.
I don't know if what I wrote makes any sense to you...or anyone...I'm in a lot of pain in therapy right now. Crushed under shame. But I am fighting to value me...in the hope that some day, it won't be such hard work. I might never be a self-esteem pro-level athlete due to the wounds of neglect and abuse or even my natural constitution...but someday, maybe I can be in reasonably good health, not gasping for breath or collapsing under stress any time I try to exercise care for my own needs in relationship with others.
to all who struggle out there. Sorry for the length.
T.
