Ever wonder how much we trust? I am so amazed at my trusting him so much. I never ever trusted anybody like that. Is it possible to experience this much faith outside therapy? Is it possible to trust somebody that way we trust them?
I trust him so much. Sometimes I wonder, does he feel burdened with my love and trust? Is he that strong to carry it? As if it was some kind of burden - my love and my trust.

I just wanted to share my last session with you. I am afraid that it may be potentially triggering for those of you who are dealing with some painfull stuff and some disruptions in your T-relationship.
My relationship with my T is the most beautiful thing for me, it's the safest place on Earth. It grounds me so much. I know that without him, I would be a different person.

So what happened yesterday... First of all, I wanted to wear stilettos. I thought why the f... not. I changed my mind eventually, because I was feeling quite sick with cold and didn't feel like bothering with high heels.
I do feel some desire for him recently, I scan his body carefully to be able to imagine him without his clothes.
We didn't talk about "these feelings" much, since I am not quite ready and I tend to freeze or try to run away from having these feelings. Actually I don't mind having them, it's just having them while he can see me, that makes me very very uncomfortable. But we will have to tackle it somehow. Don't know how yet...

I had some quite painfull experiences with men and last session we talked a bit about this. What triggers me is wanting somebody. That makes me feel sad and helpless and so lonely. I hate to have any feelings for any man. It's just to difficult. It puts me off balance, the precious balance that I am putting so much effort to maintain. Basicly I'm trying not to feel and not to want or need anybody and when I do - it is not good.

I talked about my 2 past boyfriends and cried a lot. I tried to give him some picture what my two most important relationships with men were like. One lasted 3 years, the other one about 1 year (and I am 33 years old). He asked what was before them and I didn't want to go there yet, because it really hurts just there. Even talking about these 2 men that wanted to be with me back then was so painful.
Then he said something about him wanting to help me with this pain, being able to do something to take this pain away or to comfort me. I forgot what exactly he said, but he said it twice because I refused to hear what he might have been offering me. It goes back to session few months ago, when I asked for a hug, he refused and that hurt really really badly. So I was afraid to ask for it again and I didn't ask. We didn't work this through untill now.
Anyway, he did give me a hug.
Later on he explained to me very carefully why he would not hug me every time I may want it. How confusing and painfull it would be if he did, that the therapy itself gets confusing and painful and it would not be right to add to it. I think I understood only then. I felt so grateful to him for explaining all this to me. I felt really close to him, I felt that he really cares and wants to protect me from any harm. I told him how much it hurt before and how I felt that he didn't see it, didn't get it. I feel like part of me is still angry at him and is angry at the other part of me that forgave him and that wanted to see only good in him.
I left feeling so safe and reassured, and feeling so much love and trust in him.

We ended the session on slightly lighter talk about how well we work together. I told him why I chose him to be my therapist - he seemed just a normal guy, while I was expecting God knows who. I feel like we do have a really good relationship, and while I'm writing this I feel a tiny bit of fear creeping in, that this is not right, this is not normal, it should not be like this - to be in a good, safe relationship that is not going to end badly. I hope it will last always.