quote:

Originally posted by Raven:
has anyone experienced a therapist who will push harder to get results faster?

Nope.

Actually, Raven I'm lying. My last therapist moved too fast for me and when I left her, she cried and told me that I needed someone more "motherly" and she wished she could be more "motherly" but she couldn't. She herself had been to 28 therapists and it was the last one that "straightened her out". So, I don't think she believed in wasting time.

But it caused me to have panic attacks. And that wasn't good. So, slow is good for me although I do get frustrated sometimes because it's hard to see progress. It's kind of like watching my kids grow. If I compared pictures from one year to the next, you'd see a difference. But if I compared pictures from one week to the next, you wouldn't.

As for the pain, being in therapy has brought more, not less, pain into my life. It was there inside me all along but I didn't know it. But therapy has brought it to my awareness. My T tells me it will be a long time before I will feel good. But I'm feeling a little better already. Hope you are too. Your T sounds nice.

xoxo

Liese

Raven, I've had 6 different Ts... some for a while (2 years was the longest, I think) others for a few months (3 months was the shortest.)

Each served their purpose and I learned something from each of them. Some lessons were more "what not to do" and others were life lessons that I still value.

My current T is the best fit of a T that I've ever had. She is incredible. She's just the right blend of "encouraging" and quiet, mother and doctor. But does she email like many other Ts do? No. Does she text like many other Ts do? No. Does she hug? No. Does she offer a handshake? No. Any physical contact? No. Was it hard for me to read about other people's Ts on this site? YES.

Do I still love my T? YES. Is she an incredible fit for me? YES. Am I envious of other people who have Ts that do email/text/hugs? Yes. But that doesn't bug me anymore, because I'm sure there ARE things that my T does for me that other people's Ts don't. And I'm sticking out this journey with my T as long as I possibly can....

R2G...that was an awesomely honest reply. I think every therapist works differently, and it can be so difficult when in the middle of a transference to feel that everybody's T hugs or emails but your own... it's really tough to work through those feelings...but, they are there for a reason, so Raven I hope you will take all of these doubts and feeling directly to the source (your T) and discuss them with her, even though I know how hard and scary it is to do that! I'm sure it will lead you to a place of moving forward in your therapy if you do it, witho0ut having to wait for your T to push you. I am with a T who pushes me now, but my first T was very non-directive and I found it difficult. However in retrospect that was what I needed at the time, even though- I hated it. Now I hate being pushed. I think it's just that therapy is hard, no matter where you are in the process. Take it slow.

Big hugs,

BB

Raven,

I, too, jumped into the first T I found and didn't really shop around. I guess it's my impulsive nature. I got lucky, though, and attached pretty quickly to my T, but I still struggle with wondering if something is missing in my therapy when I read about others experiences. I kind of had to hold myself in check and remind myself that each therapeutic relationship is unique. Everything about the process is different because of the the two very distinct individuals with unique issues to be worked out. My best advice is to discuss things out and in the open with T. The hardest things to discuss are usually the most healing.

Your T does sound kind and caring. I think she's letting you go at your own pace.

quote:

Does anyone else experience their therapist as always just kind of listening and saying "that's ok" or "go on" or "whgere do you feel it"? Maybe I think she should be asking more questions and getting to the root of the matters instead of being so gentle and kind. I've asked her to push me and give me a kick in the ass, but she says I'm doing great and it will come when I'm ready.

Hi Raven, yes, my therapist mostly listens. Sometimes I go home so frustrated....it seems like I'm self-discovering and she's not helping a whole lot. This week I'm on vacation and we did both my sessions over the phone since I'm 2 1/2 hours away from her. I like these sessions because she actually talks to me more....however I feel sadder, maybe because I can't "see" her. But, I noticed, some days she just has quieter days. On that note, I do, too, have quieter days. She says I have been depressed the entire time I have seen her, however I have my "more depressed days" and those days she is really gentle, and quiet and just lets me go at my pace. She doesn't really push me, engage me, provoke me, bring up topics (although a few sessions ago she said to me, "Is there anything else coming up besides the stuff with your husband?")....etc. Sounds like our T's are similar. I love my T and don't want to leave her, and know if I needed to tell her to push me, she'd be open to hearing me (but not necessarily change for me). She actually told me yesterday, in my phone session, that I need to stop filtering....if I feel myself going negative, I stop myself and don't finish my sentence. I was like, "Oh, I don't have to filter with you," and she said, "No, you don't." It is hard to believe I have been going to her 16 months, because our relationshipo is still changing and growing and I'm still learning from her.

Anyway....I hope you feel like you can be open and honest with your T.

Hello Raven and welcome to the forum!

I can relate to the frustration of being in therapy and it all taking so long, and also to that feeling when you read about other people’s therapists and therapy and wonder whether your T isn’t actually as good as she should be. Though from the way you are talking about her, you’re basically quite happy to stay with her?

I tell you what, I think therapists are allergic to asking questions. I am CONSTANTLY hassling my T to ask me questions, to give some indication that he knows what’s going on in me and to reflect back to me what he thinks I’m trying to say. To no avail

In fact I’m being a bit misleading there, because my T does ask questions sometimes, lol but they’re always the WRONG ones!!

Basically, what the others are saying I agree with too – that therapy is all about going at your own pace, and that only when you’re ready to talk about the important and painful things is when they will come up. A T who pushes too much could jeopardize the whole therapy, not to mention running the risk of retraumatizing the client. Though I wish they’d work out a way of MAKING us ready to talk faster than it seems to take

What Liese says makes good sense too, about the pain and not feeling better. I think we all probably go into therapy hoping it will make us feel better, and don’t realize that to get to that point we’ve got to go through all the pain that’s driving us to want to feel better in the first place. There’s a bit of cliché about therapy, that it gets worse before it gets better. So hang in there, one year isn’t really THAT long in the scale of things

And BB made a good point too – anything like this, any doubts or fears or questions about therapy you have, the best thing to do is bring them to T (easy to say I know, but that’s the bread and butter of building the trust and certainty in the T relationship.)

All the best to you Raven

LL

Thanks everyone. I didn't realize that reading other's words and sharing stories and experiences on-line could be as helpful as it is proving to be. I do think I like my therapist and really don't want to leave her....at least not yet. Part of my problem is too much thinking. You're all right - she's probably reading me and moving at the pace I can go at. It's just frustrating because I think I could be moving along faster! I have wonderful monologues in my head before an appointment. I come up with great insights and awareness and rehearse what I need to say. Then I get there, my heart races, and I freeze. I've tried writing in a journal, and she lets me share when I'm comfortable. However, I usually don't and when I do, I edit what I've written. I think for me part of what has helped reading posts on this forum is realizing that "real" people have painful things they are trying to work out. Maybe part of my problem is admitting that I too need help. The outside world sees me as an accomplished full-time professional, also in graduate school, and raising a child on my own....yep - that's all true....but.....the inside me is a total mess. I feel like a master disguiser to the outside world because they would never guess that I'm not happy, not confident, and hate myself. How do we end up in a life position such as this? I've read more than 30 books on this - and I still can't seem to get the answers in my own, thick head!

Hi Raven,

I've been with my T for 3.5 years and I've had periods of time where I think all my T did was say that sounds painful and ouch. Most of the time he doesn't ask questions or push subjects with me and I'm frustrated and then occasionally he does push a subject which happened this week and I wrote about in my post and it feels weird.

I think therapy is different for every patient and therapist and is different at diferent times with the same pair. BB is right that the person to discuss it is with T but I find that very difficult so I like to check things out with others.

quote:

That is exactly how I fel ~ thanks for sharing.

quote:

time where I think all my T did was say that sounds painful and ouch. Most of the time he doesn't ask questions or push subjects with me and I'm frustrated

BB is right that the person to discuss it is with T but I find that very difficult so I like to check things out with others.

Raven,

I think its good to shop around for therapists. You may find that you come across a therapist who is more skilled or whom you have stronger rapport with. Or perhaps you will find that while there are more skilled therapists out there, you end up sticking with your current T because perhaps the rapport is better with her than with other Ts. but you will never know until you explore other options. Whatever you end up doing, its nice to know that there are other options out there.

hi,

i am enjoying the discussion