I had a terrible session tonight. I didn't know what to talk about. On Monday I told my T about a really difficult conversation I had with my pre-teen daughter. She was really angry and told me that other people had parents who were strong and happy and didn't cry all the time. She also told me it was odd that I went to therapy. She was angry that I never told her I did not get along with my mother. Basically she was angry about a lot of things. I listened to her, did not get upset or angry, told her I loved her, talked to her pretty freely and told her I was sorry I was not always what she wanted in a mother but I did my best and I was always willing to hear how she felt.

In many ways that was a nightmare of a conversation for me and represented a lot of my biggest fears about failing as a parent and damaging my children. I actually felt good about how I handled it. I was empathetic and did not feel hurt by her comments or angry about them. I have spent the last couple of days feeling good about my parenting and thinking how much therapy has helped me accept my childrens feelings even when I cannot accept my own.

Tonight I did not know what to talk about and my T kept discussing my daughter, how I felt about what she said, whether I was worried that she was suffering as much as I did as a child, did I feel like a failure. I told him I did not want to talk about it but he kept going. I was so upset because I feel like there are so many things I am struggling with and he wants to just keep poking at the one thing I was feeling good about. Of course I am worried about my daughter but I do not know why he has to crush my sense of accomplishment.

The worst part is I know that he waits for me to start talking and because I did not talk about any of the things I am struggling with he talked about what I had last discussed. So even though I am angry it is still my fault because I did not talk about something else. I wish I could redo the session or not go back unless I have something specific I am ready to talk about (which probably means never).

I hate feeling like he is trying to hurt me.