Why do you feel you want to act out?

TN

I keep asking myself that too. I'm a little bit angry right now at T. but I understand why she made a decision, but I don't like it and I'm feeling pain from it. I know its not about getting even and it's not to hurt her, and it's not to test her.

Sometimes I find I feel like a teenager in therapy. I never had the safety of a secure relationship with my parents so I never acted out as a teenager like most do. I think sometimes its about wanting to bump up against the boundaries to to know they really are there.

What you think?

If it's not to test her what is it?

I used to get pissed at my T... A lot. She explained it actually as part of the attachment process. That I was looking for any reason not to connect and anytime I didn't feel attuned with (read: got mad about real and/or perceived (generally this) threat) I'd get angry and 'act out' (in a way - by getting mad) any way possible. It took years she told me I'm 'very good at what I do' and I told her she was too... patient! She said I don't do that anymore - this was just last session.

Anyway... Maybe you mean you want to push her away? So what you are upset about can be focused elsewhere or relieved somehow?

It feels like it is coming from a place of being a little kid... like a temper tantrum.

Some thoughts are about leaving her or ignoring her, quitting or taking a break from therapy as if that would somehow hurt her, when I realize that only hurts me.

I have a liberal contact policy and I'm thinking that if this continues, I will do the opposite of my thoughts and contact T.

In the mean time, this is hard.

Rebuilding Me, this sounds like negative transference. There are tons of ways to act out. My speciality is anger. I use it to create distance and want to blame T for anything and everything. It gets really powerful. Now, I am finally seeing the pattern and am able to control it more. It still happens and is really tough to go through. But, I am actually masking fear. Try to work through/identify what you're feeling (which ain't easy) because something must have been triggered, consciously or unconsciously; dissapointment, anger, confusion, feeling devalued, misunderstood. Feelings you felt as a child could be brewing. Your task is to name the emotion without getting "caught" in it. You may want to act out or get away, just like we tried to get away from the original feelings as a kid.

I would be cautious about acting out. The world is so crazy now that schools, counselors, and therapists are sensitive to acting out for fear of getting hurt physically.
You might know you're never going to hit the therapist, but they don't know for sure. And if they feel unsafe with you, you're toast for ever seeing that therapist again.
So, when you feel like acting out, it's much better to talk about it than do it. Or go home and hit a tree with a bat. I used to stack up newspapers and attack them with a big stick and yell my rage out that way. Or yell your rage into a pillow, in the car with the windows rolled up! It's so true that the anger and frustration has to get out some way, or anxiety can get worse.

My first go round with my current T, I acted out repeatedly and finally got myself kicked out. Not really what I wanted. I think in my case it was a negative transference that was causing the problem. It did feel very teenager like. We took a year off and I started again with her and I never went the acting out route again. It just hurt me and wasted time. I was lucky T took me back.

Don't go that route RM. It's just not worth it.

Hey RM -
It's a hard place to be. Kind of crazy making... for me at least. I think acting out is about pushing up against the boundaries. It can stem from anger or sadness or despair or whatever - but ultimately I think it is about boundaries.

What will T do if I act out?
Will T reject me?
Will she rescue me?
Will she ignore me?
And then the question becomes, who am I based on how T responds?

If she rejects me, am I a bad person?
If she rescues me, does she love me and want to save me?
If she ignores me, am I worthless?

I think it's just basically a way to find out how much T will take, how she responds and what her response makes me feel about myself.

Sometimes you can't help but act out. Things are just so desperate that you can't figure out anything else to do. The important thing is not to do anything to hurt yourself. If you're angry with T, don't go to SU or SI. Call her up and yell at her.

If you do act out, know that you will have to visit the experience in therapy with T. You will need to figure out what it is that you really want and are trying to get. I think sometimes we do things to try to force T to act like those who hurt us. Then we can say, see, I AM worthless. It's a self-sabotaging act.

I hope you can find a way to discern what it is that you truly need right now. And that then you won't have to act out but instead can directly seek what you need. It's hard, I know. I've been all over the map with this issue.

Hang in there (((RM)))

-RT

Thanks everyone.

I'm still not sure where this is completely coming from, other than a little person inside and that the little one is angry.

I don't feel violent at all or that I would do some physical harm to property or T. It's not that at all. It feels like a tantrum.

In the past, my T. encouraged me to test her with a caveat that of course there were limits. But this doesn't feel like that either.

Everything that has come to mind is more or less about ignoring T. Child-like right? Everything that comes to mind is like fxxx you T. and I don't need you anyway.

Today, I feel a lot better. I have done much writing and that has help to better understand and release some of this negative energy.

So if you said FU to T, I don't need you, what would you WANT her response to be? What would you EXPECT it to be?

-RT

RM it might be okay to call your T and just vent... say that you have this urge to sort of act out and get mad and just needed to vent.

I've done that to my T's answering machine before... she's okay with it... and says I can be as angry as I want and she can handle it and we'll work on where it's coming from together. She's always kept her word... it's hard work though, to own it... after it's done.

Thanks again everyone!

RT - Good questions. I would want her to respond to the little kid inside. Tell her it's okay to feel bad about stuff and its okay to be angry. I don't know what to expect her response to be.

RM I'm with you on the FU and I don't need you anyway feeling. I just can't verbalize that to my T. Never will. I just sit there and say everything is fine and just accept all her changes.

Why don't you think you can be true to yourself, Jillann?

quote:

I want to act out. I don't even know what that means or what I would do.

quote:

I'm a little bit angry right now at T. but I understand why she made a decision, but I don't like it and I'm feeling pain from it. I know its not about getting even and it's not to hurt her, and it's not to test her.

quote:

It feels like it is coming from a place of being a little kid... like a temper tantrum.
Some thoughts are about leaving her or ignoring her, quitting or taking a break from therapy as if that would somehow hurt her, when I realize that only hurts me.

quote:

Everything that has come to mind is more or less about ignoring T. Everything that comes to mind is like fxxx you T. and I don't need you anyway.

Tell her you've been thinking about this. Struggling with it. Tell her.

-RT

Okay RT. I think I can do that... except the FU part.

Google: what to say instead of "f*** off"

I did. Lots of creative ideas!

-RT

PS - let us know how it goes when you have this conversation (unless, of course, you don't want to )