I had to go to a meeting today that was very hard and triggering. I’m totally a mess from it. I started crying, I was half dissociating and half just trying to stop the tears, and had flashback after flashback - It got to eh point where anything I would have said would have been about the flashback or in a weird way… like saying “please please no more hurting (jane doe), it‘s not ok to ….” and then would have said the details of past trauma that happened in feb of this year. I left the place. I had to. It was not helpful that I could not stay but I was no longer in any place to do anything about it. The DA and the attorneys were not happy with that. I feel like I failed, like a sick freak. In the midst of the meeting, I found out my counselor did something small that I don’t like - and it really isn’t big. It’s no reason to end therapy at all. My T had spoke with the advocate that came with me about how she would be glad to keep seeing me and check in with her on how I was doing. They have a release to talk - but my T has always been super careful about talking with me first before talking with others, especially before agreeing to stuff. She had also talked with the advocate before returning my call about the meeting coming up. I would have totally understood if she didn’t have time and called no one back, but it bothers me that I had to hear from the advocate about how they had a lengthy conversation… about stuff that was all news to me. And then by the time the meeting came, everything had changed anyhow…. I felt really not ok. I wasn’t ok dealing with the meeting as is, my T said she would call be back before it, and instead, she didn’t but she did have the time to call the advocate and have a lengthy conversation with her…. The meeting was hard enough. The stuff about my T talking to the advocate didn’t phase me much in the meeting, but it did stick in my head.

Just after I left the meeting, my counselor called me. She started telling me how she talked with the adovcate and thought xyz was a good idea - I cut her off to say none of that is relevant anymore everything changed. It took me twice of saying that before she got the message. I told her I don’t need your advice on what to do about the situation although it’s clear you and the advocate came to come clear conclusion about what was best for me - and everything changed so that is no longer relevant. You didn’t call me back like you said you would. I had been counting on that. It’[s ok if you are too busy but you did have time to call the advocate, but not me.

I started to cry again - almost started yelling, but didn’t. She told me that clearly there was a lot I needed to tell her about what happened and changed. I was almost crying too hard to speak. I told her, “I needed you not for advice on what to do legally about the crime that happened - I needed emotional support. Instead, I didn’t get the support and I’m really uipset and nothing was done and everyone is mad because I failed and I fell apart. I don’t need your opinion and advice now on what to do legally. I have an advocate for that. I needed you to be my therapist. I needed emotional support.”

She said ok, and we should talk about it when we meet. She said she wanted to make sure I was ok now. I told her please don’t ever do that again. You know I don’t like that and that is not ok with me to talk to others without talking with me. You Can’t talk to the advocate ever again. Never.” She said she wouldn’t do it again.

I responded, “I don’t want to do therapy with you anymore.” I was half sobbing but still rather frank and calm. She responded “that’s ok, you can end if you want. You don’t have to do therapy with me. I will still leave your appointment open and if you want to talk about this, then we can talk about it then.” And that was it. She then told me I should be sure to not be a public place since I was clearly crying. That made me even more mad - I was in my car at that point, and it felt like she was assuming I surely was breaking down in tears in public. I told her, “you don’t even know were I was so that is not ok to say and assume that just because I‘m crying. That is not ok. Nothing is ok. You are acting like it is all ok and nothing is ok this is not ok.“ I started to cry again. She told me that she thought saying nothing was ok wasn’t helpful. I said calmly but s l o w l y, “it is not ok to hurt me and I am hurt.“ I ended the call abruptly.

I feel like a jerk. I’m overreacting. I feel really hurt by what she did, it wasn’t huge. I’m really hurting about the crime that was committed against me and the fact that I couldn’t hack it enough to deal with it today and deceide what to do.
I’m sitting at the park and I’m shivering. It’s warm outside and I’m shivering.

I’m so deeply scared right now. Beyond all reason. Nothing feels safe. Nothing feels ok. I know in my head I’m just stirred up and really, I’m reasonably safe right now.

I *want* to be mad at my T. I don’t think I really am. I just want to be mad at her. It makes nothing better. And I’m not really mad at her.

I want to feel safe right now. I want her to listen. I want her to help me feel safe. I want to be comforted. I want someone to say what they did is not ok and we will do everything to make sure it doesn’t happen again - not sit there and say that they are concerned a trial would make me fall apart. I could not even sit in the same room with the person who hurt me without flashbacks and shaking and even threw up in the trash can.

They just know I already had PTSD before this happened so it’s like well, we don’t want to make her worse… and that’s the very thing that’s feels the worst. At least right now it does.

And I feel so… I don’t want to see my T again. I’m sick of it. I don’t feel safe. I probably am very very safe. She didn’t really mean to do what she did and she is just human and immediately back tracked and said she was sorry and wouldn’t do it again… It feels like it’s irrelevant right now. I want to move on with life and not be this shaking crying mess and not be freake dout or mad at my T about something that really is small.

I wanted her to believe in me. I wanted her to assume if I was crying, I did leave the meeting asap and I did go hide in my car. I wanted her to assumer I at least handled my melting down ok enough to not melt down entirely with everyone. No one even knew I was having flashbacks - I just would shake and be u nabel to speak - and eventually said sorry I can’t do this. And started crying and grabbed my stuff and left. My T assumed much worse and I don’t know why she did.

I am tired. Nothing feels safe.

I want to feel safe right now so bad. Nothing is ok - this is not ok. I want that to matter.

I want things to be ok with my T. She didn’t do anything worth quitting therapy over. She said she was going to try to reach me befor ethe meeting but got stuck out of town. It’s not a big deal…

Maybe I just need to accept that this is not ok and I will have to just….

I can’t take it anymore. I have no idea what to do when something is not ok.

I don’t think my T believes in me. I don’t think she thinks I can do anything well with this.

I want a T who believes in me and believes I can manage and do well. It feels so important. I have no other options for a regular T right now.

I don’t think I can ever… how can this T ever really believe in me again? After I flipped out with the old T, she expects I do that again. Even when I’m not and I’m just sitting in my car crying and wanting so much for someone to say it isn’t ok, we will find a way to make this better.

Instead - I feel like the message is - it was more important to decide what is best for you without you, than talking with you, and this is as good as it can be because you are too emotional and clearly you are probably still at the meeting now crying hysterically there.

I do well in my life - expect for when I have to deal with the very directly trauma related stuff. So I understand why they just want it over and to get me to just accept that this is best because I get so triggered by it that a trail and all that might push me “over the edge.” But when it’s THAT very mindset that is freaking me out - not the trauma…

I don’t want to see my T or anyone else ever again. I’m so tired of it. She tells me she thinks I am doing well and supports in everything and then… then this…

I just want to be mad at her - but I’m not.

and I feel like a jerk for saying I don't feel like she is supportive enough opf me - she is already seeing me for free or reduced cots because my insurance wouldn't pay for anyone. yeah, like complaining about next-to-free help. and she was just trying to help. that's it. how can I be mad at her? after all she has done.

oh, how quickly I wan ready to quit. yesterday, I was so looking forward to seeing her today and I was ok with her not calling before the meeting (I didn't know she had calle dthe advocate.)

She is trying to help. She has been really helpful. She doesn't believe in me - at least not as much as I wish. so what? I can deal with that. It's better than nothing. Which are my options. T with her or nothing. She is helpful. This just hurt. But how can I complain about it if she is helping for free?

I hate me. I should have been able to do it better this morning. I tried everything to make them flashbacks stop. I can stop them. I really can. Please, someone please believe me...