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7 replies

I want to feel. I'm sick of intellectualizing everything.

forgetmenotforgetmenotMember
Because feeling something would be knowing that I'm making progress.

But already it feels that I might be cutting off. My mind is starting to obsessively chatter and chatter and it won't stop and it's already driving me NUTS.

I either think and think and think or I feel and when I feel, I can't cope with feeling that I go right back to thinking. On top of this I'm worried that my T will find me a waste of space because I think so much and no progress is being made. I actually think she was happy that I was feeling something for once. Now, I might go back into session and not feel and then she'll just be fed up because she's tried and I've tried and to no avail has anything happened.

I have this very weird habit of narrating my emotions as they happen. I imagine myself talking about my emotions as they are happening right now, to T. What is that all about?

I'm right back to square one for now where I don't give a crap about company or people.

I don't even have to try. My mind just does it automatically. It's excellent at this. It's so good at closing off that when my T once said 'You find the world threatening' or 'You feel empty inside', I just couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel a thing.

Only up to recently have I been able to feel something and because the feeling was so dam painful, I shut off.

After the ensuing panics about T leaving, I feel like I might be starting to cut off from her though at the same time, I still NEED to see her. Just emotionally I stand back and I make sure that I don't give my all to her.

I still want to see her but it feels like my mind is just doing what it does all the time and sending itself into isolation.

I want to feel the full range of emotions.

I can't feel anger. Everyone talks about anger. All I am is a submissive thinker. I hate thinking. I'm tired of obsessive worrying. I'm a submissive. I hate it so much. But to be angry...how?

I'm impatient to get better. I want to get better by next week. I keep obsessively monitoring myself.

I keep obsessively monitoring how I feel and I don't know why. Like if I feel something I'm almost relieved because that means I'm making some progress but then if I feel supposedly nothing then I'm worried that I'm not getting better.

I feel like I'm in a mental prison all the time. I have no confidence in myself. I'm tired of this.

I'm trying to look at T's picture and feel something instead of feeling intimidated and embarassed to look at her.

I just don't know why I'm SO obsessed with monitoring every single emotion. I just don't let go and I'm tired of it all.

I feel like I'm failing her and that I'm a doomed patient...a doomed person who will never get better. I'm doomed to live in a mental prison.

I'm just angry at how I manage to disassociate. I want to feel in order to progress but it seems like my mind can't take the pain...not in the past few days anyway and so in order to survive, it shuts off.

Am I ever going to get better? Frowner
Original Post

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B bltMember
FMN, have you considered working with a T who uses a body-based approach? For me that helped to get me out of my head a bit and back into my body.

Another thing you could do is try to find a group that practices mindfulness or some other practice that helps you build body awareness and slow down your thought processes. I can be an obsessive thinker too, and learning mindfulness and meditation have really helped me a lot in my opinion.

In the mean time, I am sorry you are hurting so much. I am pretty sure your T isn't frustrated with you.

muffmuffMember
quote:
I imagine myself talking about my emotions as they are happening right now, to T. What is that all about?


"Imagination is more important than knowledge"

I think Mr Einstein said that.

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.

It is brains way of teaching, and preparing us for what we are capable of.
ravenravenMember
quote:
I have this very weird habit of narrating my emotions as they happen. I imagine myself talking about my emotions as they are happening right now, to T. What is that all about?


I don't know what this is about ~ but I do the same thing! I didn't think it was anything others did and haven't even told T. Maybe it's normal. Do others?
forgetmenotforgetmenotMember
Thanks everyone. Thats the problem with my posts, they go rampant like this and then I feel something different another time.

I'm a worrier.

That's all I can subscribe my obsessive thinking with.

Shoot, I really want a mental health assessment. I definitely have major attachment issues. I'm going to my Doctor tomorrow in order to see if I can get one. I need to get on a list and see another therapist that can deal with major attachment problems etc. I just don't quite know what therapy I should go for. What one is best for me. Yes, perhaps body based is good for me because I am SO out of sync with my body and mind, its just nuts.

Thanks for the input everyone Smiler
xoxoxoxoMember
quote:
I can't feel anger. Everyone talks about anger. All I am is a submissive thinker. I hate thinking. I'm tired of obsessive worrying. I'm a submissive. I hate it so much. But to be angry...how?


From the outside here, you sound pretty angry. Angry at yourself. Frustration is anger.... Sometimes emotions are difficult to recognize; identify. Especially for people with early trauma who have habitually dissociated and who might feel it somatically and might not be able to put words to feelings. You might wake up one day soon-and realize that you are really feeling angry.

I used to think I didn't feel anger. Later realized that I felt anger at myself. One day, just had a major insight-I AM angry! After that, it got much, much better. it was difficult for awhile, and I started getting angry at everyone, as I had saved it up for so long...but the constricted affect melted away. It really helped that my therapist talked about how normal it is to have angry feelings and other seemingly 'less than desirable' emotions and parts of myself...and was accepting at my anger towards him. That was the catalyst. Also, him giving me opportunities to get angry with him. That took awhile for me to do.

quote:
I'm just angry at how I manage to disassociate.


You said it...see how it's a start? You seem to be feeling anger, but perhaps not identifying and expressing it in full force yet.

It's ok. Smiler I hope that makes you feel better. I just can't see this being a permanent state from what you've written. You will get more in touch with your emotions. It seems you are already on your way and will get some relief. If you start to recognize that you are feeling anger, even at yourself, you might progress to feeling anger about having to part from your therapist, and express some anger towards her. It sort of works like dominos-processing one emotion leads to the other, then another. Pretty soon, you are not constricted, not in your head so much. (((hugs)))

Good luck with your doctor's appointment tomorrow, FMN.
forgetmenotforgetmenotMember
Hey xoxo, thank you so much for that.

I think I feel frustrated at why our sessions are capped with me and T. I want to tell her 'well, change it then! Why can't you change it? Why is it so dam hard for you? Were only part way through and I have to leave and you won't do anything about that?'

So I guess that's anger.

I'm mostly sad though. Right now anyway. Sad and confused. Lol. But there is clarity happening, slowly, slowly. This clarity has only started happening recently. Well..when T and I talked about her leaving the week after that was really really terrible. And this week I'm starting to pinpoint how much I've wanted an understanding family, how much I want hugs and to be protected and cared for etc and how much distance I keep from people.

I guess its something.

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