I am really sorry Halo. Do you think you could vocalize to T that this is where you are at? Could you tell him, "I want to push you away because I'm really scared"? That sounds silly, right? If your intention is to distract him, why tip him off to it? Well, because you would be fighting against that part of you which is self-destructive. That part wants to protect you, but another part really doesn't want to sabotage the relationship and what you've invested into the work thus far.

Even if you start a big fight (or several), I would hope he'd be smart enough to figure out what you were doing, what was behind it all, and wait patiently for the trust to increase.

I have been fighting a similar battle within myself for many months. I finally figured out what you already have, that I was using anger as a method of distraction to the terror of what lies underneath. I am still scared, but (I hope) I have finally reached a point where I have committed myself to stop using anger as dust to hide in. I'm tired of the self-induced misery created as a by-product of that dust.

I agree with MH. Why not just say that to T? I'm frightened and overwhelmed and I'm afraid to face that and do the work. I think that would be a great starting place for what could be a really productive session.

(((hugs)))

Thanks MH Yes I can tell him straight up and he will understand. There are a couple of things he has said that have really hurt me, he said I was testing him all the time - I thought I was over the testing.....you are right I am hiding behind the anger because there is terror underneath.

Thank you STRM (your initials always remind me of storm lol)

Actually Halo, it is quite fun to go in there say " I want to be angry as that is easier than what lies underneath and also there is a lot of interaction when I get angry - I sure feel you have to listen. when I look underneath I feel fear and terror and scary feelings and that is not easy - but I would like to see if I can stop doing the anger bit and get to the bit underneath - scary though it is for me."

I find this works a treat: open, authentic, vulnerable but risking it anyway, etc.

It makes the therapeutic relationship much deeper.