Hiya, Yaku- I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way..

I personlly find that knowing stuff about therapy and our reactions (i.e. this is all about the past, etc.) does very little in terms of changing the way we react to our therapy- and thank God for that!* Our reactions to therapist are emotional- and for that reason, impossible to control or completely guide... and it is in the emotional world that we will find the healing, says my T. So thank goodness that we can't change what we feel, because if we had such control, we would likely sabotage the process. I know you are a spiritual person- maybe, abandon yourself to the process- you will find some measure of healing through it. Will your T be able to entirely *fix* you? Maybe not. ouch. will he be able to help you learn, accept yourself the way you are, see things in a different light, become less diffident? Grow? Most likely. And even though the changes that will happen inside of you as a result of learning what a loving and accepting father and mother looks like, will be so indiscernible at times- they will matter deeply in your day-to-day life. They *will* make a big difference because you will begin to believe in yourself, and in this you will find the meaning you are looking for. I strongly encourage you to continue! I doubt very much that you will ever look back and say *I regret doing therapy* no matter how much pain it may cause. Change is painful- even change that feels good is painful- if that makes any sense. Trust, you are being looked after. Does just talking ever make a difference? Yes. It is in relating to an accepting other, that we come to know ourselves. And we have to live with ourselves for the rest of our lives- so it is a good person to get to know! Crucial work..crucial, even for the concept of salvation- which clearly the foundation is here, in learning *self-acceptance.* So sending you every support in the hard work you are doing. I will quote:

1At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”

2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

I firmly believe that Christ (whom non-believers and believers alike can recognize as wise) was talking about the concept of the "inner child" here. Some of us need help from therapist, a stronger and wiser other, as many here say- to find that inner child. "humble ourselves" by becoming authentic, and vulnerable- instead of angry and closed off, and alienated from our true inner self- our heart- and learning that, is truly an act of love, to yourself and to the world. "The kingdom of heaven" just means living in love.

Wishing you healing and peace,

BB

Thanks. I appreciate both of your encouragement. I guess I just wish I could edit out the passages of the Bible where being authentic and humble in our brokenness before God involved all those "one anothers." Like, if I could be childlike without the having to be loved, prayed for, have my burdens carried by another, confessing to others...you know, all that stuff which becomes problematic when you just can't trust people? That would be great!!!

I guess I'm just getting frustrated, because people see me as someone who has it all together. When I share with anyone that I have been hurting, no one ever "sees" it. I'm pretty sure they think I'm making it up. I try to explain that I don't have it together, but they won't believe me. And I feel so much pressure to have it together on the outside that I can't work through my hurt except when I can talk to T or my pastor or sometimes H (although sometimes he just makes things worse). And it's not just closing off enough to be functional, but not allowing my weakness to exist, which obviously cuts me off from God.

I am the only Christian in my family, and as much as I love them, they are undependable, gossipy, spiteful, etc. I'm not saying I'm much better, but I try at the very least to be trustworthy. And some of the trauma from last year involves them (though not their fault). So, I'm taking on trying to accept my brokenness without trying to let it break through to those people who have a history of using it against me. It's just very confusing right now. I feel like I have to pretend to have it together, because the times I try to connect with how I'm hurting, it just gets invalidated.

For example, my sister who is staying in my living room right now. Now, she was physically assaulted by my mom a few times and kicked out of the house more times than I could count. They used to have screaming matches, destroy furnishings, call the cops on each other. They have a very non-functional, codependent relationship. But, right now they are on honeymoon, because our mom is going to help her out through this rough time. Once she moves in and spends a week there, she will suddenly remember all the reasons our mom is neglectful and abusive, but right now, mom "has such a good heart" and "is always there for us." So, I can't even connect to how *I* feel about my mom, who only contacts me to unload her crap or ask for help, because I am incapable of having my own opinion. Hearing about how much she is "helping" others makes me think, "Oh, maybe I'm wrong." And, then I actually feel like a liar, like a weakling, because obviously if my sister can still want to live in that crazy house, it must not have been so bad!

I'm sure everyone struggles with having to allow their hurt feelings in one environment and close them off in another, but I'm finding it very confusing right now. It's like the texting...I'm really an all-or-nothing type of person, and I find it difficult to be flexible. Anyway, it's off topic. But, I'm having trouble even believing myself. Sorry. Just unloading. I need a vacation!