Hi Jane,

I'm sorry I don't have much time to reply or much to offer you, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad to see you back around and I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I know that sometimes, even with therapists, we unconsciously choose a therapist that resembles some figure or pattern from our past. I can't help but wonder if maybe that ended up being true for you when it came to your ex T?

Big hugs,
K

Hi there JD - sorry you are feeling this way. I kind of know how you feel. I was always the scapegoat in my family. I guess because I always tried to please everyone, especially my mother. I figured if I just stayed quiet and did what I was supposed to than I could basically remain invisible to everyone. It didn't work and just made things worse. However, I did learn to become self sufficient, sometimes too well. I still get bullied from time to time, especially with my partner, but I know the difference now. I guess sometimes it's just easier to get bullied and do what people want than to cause a fuss. I don't know really. I have gotten stronger with it but it sure isn't easy.
I don't know if this helps at all, but just wanted to share a little.

Smiley

jane, i don't know if this is quite the same thing, but, i do 'take the blame' alot for problems in situations and relationships. i think it is a pattern of negative self talk and my wanting to ease the tension in a relationship or situation, and i am so desparate to have 'smooth waters' that i immmediately look to and speak up about what i did wrong. when really, i didn't do anything wrong, it is just that NO ONE ELSE SPEAKS UP AND TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE SITUATION.

like, i apologize to dr. sleepy for being so boring that i put him to sleep...i speak up and take responsibility for his error, because otherwise it would have been ignored as not happening. or, t3, i take the responsibility for all the blame she put on me for being "so sick that i couldn't just snap to during her guided imagery and suddenly, on queue, 'just grow up'" .... i apologize for being wrong...for being so sick that i dissociated and had a panic attack, whereas the problem i now see was her.

so, scapegoating? maybe you just speak up to soon and accept blame that is not yours, as no one else is jumping in there to take any responsibility....so, both of us, maybe hang in there in a tense situation without jumping in to ease the tension by self blaming.

does this make any sense? jill

this is really good stuff, uv, thanks for posting all that, yes, that is my middle name, the parts about not even knowing who i am inside is so true, too.

great topic janedoe! jill

Wow - great thoughts!

Kashley - repeating the pattern from my past is exactly what I have started to think was part of what was going on with my ex-T. She is now responding to me in a way that feels so familliar. And somehow I end up in the weird it's all my fault position... and I think it is partly how I pick people, or the people I am drawn towards.

Smiley - thanks for sharing. I was a people pleaser too. I still am. Sometimes it's easier than dealing with the opposite... I used to long to be invisible every day... and sometimes still do. Over the last few years, sometimes, instead of being invisible, I desperately seek to be heard... which of course then I am a bit of a loudmouth and attract way too much critizim back. Then it becomes a self fullfilling thing. ugh. I hope that it gets a little easier for me in time too.

Jill - what you shared does make a lot of sense.

I have been thinking a lot about what is "my stuff" and what is "other people's stuff" and the difference - what I take on as my fault or responsibility or what I blame myself or... and I'm begining to think that it's connected to this scapegoat thing too - what other's blame me for.

Often, if something is broken, I take it on to fix it... sometimes it is because no one else does... but it ends up being mroe than just external actions. Internally, I end up blaming me. I think I wonder if other's somehow pick up on it and just think it's easy to blame me too. I am already am (in my head to myself.)

i'm a lot like how you are with dr. sleepy. Sometimes I can see it's not my fault, but I still blame me. (dude, dr sleepy needs to wake up period! ) And my old T - she emails me, and externally, I say no, but inside? my heart breaks in a million pieces hating me for being such a freak she still now have to invade my boundary and email me. (btw, T3 sounds like a jerk, pure and straight. just sayin')

sigh.

I think you are right on about living with the tension of things not being all ok, instead of trying to fix it all by blaming ourselves.

Argh. I have enough negative crap coming from others, I don't need to add more to it!

UV - I have been thinking of a story I read somewhere (but can't find) about how perpetrators of crimes somehow were told to pick out a room of people they just watched, who in the room would be the one that they would be most likely to target - and time and time again, they picked the people who had abuse histories.

I have also heard (by Dr. Drew Pinsky) that we tend to be attracted to the kinds of people that traumatized us in childhood. For whatever reason (he said they don't really know) abusers and those who have been abused, seem to be attracted to each other...

And you don't sound crazy at all. I actually have been struggling with the dilemma that in some situations I am very meek and others I am (as one person put it) the "best self advocate I have ever known." And he worked for an advocacy group!

sigh.

I loved the article! It's really helpful. I'm actually going to print it out and talk more with my T about it.

Thanks to everyone for all your feedback!!!