i wanted to share with you guys what i wrote and feel about my T session so i copy pasted it here. i am having a quiet morning here with tea and reflection about my session and how i can keep this and what makes it easier to comunicate .sorry it is long

hey guys. i went today and it seems to be OK. i was so scared that she was going to be horrible to me. but she wasn't. she asked me if we are going to talk about what is going on . my heart sank as the fear just flooded my head .i guess i stopped listening to her because she started saying my name loud and waving saying hello and asking me to please look at her.
believe it or not SHE wanted to talk about talking because of coarse i wasn't talking. she asked again if i would try and put words to what was going on. she then got up and handed me a paper with feeling faces on them like she has done in the past. we did a lot of stuff with them. i know that this is going to sound stupid but it felt so familiar that i felt like i melted. this i knew and i smiled. i pointed out to the frustrated face,the overwhelmed face and the scared face. she said wow you are feeling all that. she brought up all the other ways of communicating with her. she really seemed to validate that she understood how it is for me. she said we could draw or i could write if i wanted to . she asked if maybe it was fear that was stopping me from talking. she asked if i could put any words to it .i said fear is a good word. she asked me to try and describe what happens but i couldn't . she asked what makes talking about things so terrifying? she said is it because if you speak it makes things to real those were my words,i couldn't believe she was saying them. it seemed like she did understand or i told her that in the past and i just don't remember.

i told her that i cant handle hearing the words.i have never said that to her before i have said it here but never to her. she asked what happens when i hear my words. i couldn't really tell her.she asked me if i could ever consider that if i put the words out there that maybe it could just go away? umm no. i did say to her that it doesn't go away that it could become huge and unbearable. she asked me if i remember saying anything to her that she has been able to help me with . i couldn't remember but i am sure she has.i said i don;t think i have given her much chance.that is true and she agreed. she asked if i think it could be any worse then if it can be any worse then holding it all in. again i couldn't answer that i just don't know i havn't risked it all that much. she said she can see how much this is so frustrating me i think maybe ill try the writing thing and showing her my pic i drew in my journal.i dont know.it takes me a long time to draw the things i do in my journal so i don't think i could do it in T but i can show her the ones i drew.

she asked me how i deal with these feelings whan they get this bad and that sent me into another panic and i shut down. in my mind i instantly went to .you want to know so you can take my controle away. i dont want to tell her that. she then said, i know one thing you use to do,. then she said oh no it is late and it was time to go.she never finished her thought thank god