I struggle with this immensely! I grew up in a family of worriers and people who think about/ calculate all of the negative consequences and possible outcomes. It's like I've been trained over my life to be cautious and over analyze things. To train myself to do something else is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do!
Can anyone relate?
Also, I admitted to my T that I have a date this weekend. I told her I was nervous and I don't have time for a relationship, so maybe I should just cancel the date. She reminded me that maybe I could just enjoy the dinner date and live in that moment and not have to think of a relationship. hmmm...why didn't I think of that? It almost seemed like she was encouraging me to go out.
I felt good after session thinking that I can just go out and have it be a supper at a restaurant and I don't have to have it be anything more than that if I don't want it to be.
Well, that was yesterday.
Today I told my sister I was going out with this guy (she met him briefly last week when I was out with her and we ran into him) and she started in on her fear/worry stuff...such as make sure he doesn't poison your food or drink (ruffies?) and keep your eye on him.
Also, today I told my mom that I had a date and I got somewhat of a lecture. It was more like this...divorced women who have custody of their children need to be careful about sex, dating, and the people they are bringing around their kids. Women could lose custody of their children for being promiscuous. There is a double standard in court, you know. My mom reminded me about putting my children before my needs. BTW-I don't have the kids this weekend.
After listening to all this...I felt hot all over and a sense of shame wash in and over me. What the hell was that? Where did that come from? I'm totally thinking about canceling the date. I'm feeling fear and a sickness in my stomach.
My mother has told me from little on that I need to be good and I need to be a saint. Sometimes I struggle with that. I feel like I'm trying sooooo hard to be good that I'm making myself nuts. And when I try to be saintly it's like I'm denying normal human stuff.
Here's a bit of background on me
**possible triggers?**
I live with my parents and have since the divorce over 2 years ago. I have the majority custody of the kids. My children have never met a man I've dated (there have really only been 2 or 3). I only have had two men over to the house when my kids and parents haven't been around.
My ex was abusive toward me and I was in that marriage for 13 years and that relationship for 17 years. He was the only person I had been with sexually until after the divorce. He cheated on me several times.
I had a couple CSA incidents as did my mother and grandmother (their situations were much worse though). I think I still feel shame that I am a divorced woman. It feels like I brought shame upon my family.
On a good note...my kids seem to be doing well and adjusting even though their dad just got married and the kids now have 4 step siblings and a new step mother to get used to. Also, I'm working part time and I'm in school full time training to be a therapist!! I'm doing really well and in the honor society.
Anyone have any thoughts, reactions, support, questions, similarities?
