((About))

(((About)))

I know where your at and I've been there. I just texted T a few weeks ago- "if I have to tell someone what my needs are, how can you believe that they really want to meet them". I know that sounds convoluted. If I have to tell someone I need them to love me how can I believe they really do. That they are not just doing it because I asked them to. - T's response: Sometimes you just have to trust people.

I think it would be great if your T can give you some additional sessions. I have really enjoyed going twice a week. It really helps me to make progress I believe.

Thinking about you.

Jillann

(((About))) You should ask for extra sessions, and you should let your T know how much you are hurting - let her know, maybe she can help. T's often have extra sessions with someone who is having a really hard time. And it doesn't have to be about accomplishing something, it can just be to get some comfort, a little relief. Because it will be easier to focus on the work when your mind isn't attacking you - so getting some relief IS productive.

If she says no to the extra sessions, it will be because her schedule is already full (unless she has some strict policy about only 1 session a week). My guess is you would feel rejected anyway, because your self-talk is really harsh right now, but it truly would not have anything to do with you.

You are ruminating a lot, are there places where you tend to ruminate more? If so, try to be someplace else. I ruminate more when I walk my dog and no one is around, the thoughts come really hard and fast. But watching a TV show I've seen 5 times keeps the thoughts turned down.

You aren't a monster because you hurt. And who says you are supposed to feel ok? Things have happened to you, it probably makes sense for you to hurt, the good thing is you are working on it. You are working on it even when you aren't "focusing on the work." I don't know if you take any meds, but it might be helpful to have something right now, there are things that can turn down the volume on the ruminating.

I hope you can get a little peace.
peanut

ABOUT)))Please don't feel guilty about trying to decipher and thinking about your T. I have spent a lot of time doing that as well, and it can get extremely overwhelming. You have every right to "feel what you feel" please allow yourself that. I hope you let your T know exactly what your needs are, that is really important. You are very worthwhile, and I will be thinking of you.

Thank you all for your very kind replies, it means so much (first, and I think I am not being very original with this feelings, it means I am "worth" being answered to, and... it means a lot, because it is never something I can actually be convinced of that. So... each of your answers means a lot. I feel quite "attention-seeking" and bad about that, but I hope you can see that I am very grateful you "allow" me to exist on the forum.)

Quell: Thanks.

Jillann: it completely makes sense to me. If I tell someone that something will help, how can I believe that they don't do it just because I asked? ... I guess that doing something because I asked them to is a form of care as well, and that I should not despise it. I actually mostly feel guilty about it, because if I ask, I am responsible for recognizing I want something... that's scary!

Smilingpenguin: it is very true. What I "know in my heart" just feels so true, it is very hard to shake it, even if my mind knows it is (maybe) not true. But at the same time, I am guilty for letting myself be tricked into believing them. Sometimes I can see it more clearly, but when I get "lost" in my dark places, it just completely stops to make sense that I can be worth something or deserve any form of care.

peanut:

quote:

getting some relief IS productive.

It looks very true when someone else says it. I think I will try to ask, but... I am very, very scared of her saying no. Because even if my rational mind knows that it may not be because I am not "good enough" to deserve her care, my Inner self really can't hear that, so it means I will risk having the "proof" that I really must not be cared for/have support, and... I don't see how to face that. Because I know it, but... I can't help hoping that someone will still care?
And for rumination... yes... but I can ruminate anywhere when I am alone (or with people around), and I spend almost all my time alone (social failure.... ) and I don't know, I can't focus on anything this week, I try watching things, I see the pictures, I hear them talking, but I just don't get it, I think that my feelings are too much off to be involved in the plot.

quote:

Things have happened to you, it probably makes sense for you to hurt

But *shame* nothing happened to me. My life was not perfect, but it was okay. I was just f***ed-up from the start. It's all my fault, actually. I don't know how, but there is only me. I started being depressed/crazy when I was 4. I almost died for the first time at 8. Yes, my parents left me when I was 14 and told me that if anyone knew about it everyone would leave me if I ever said that everything was not perfect/that they were not there. I still had money, food and a place, even if it was without my parents. And I knew they loved me, they were just happier without me. I was just selfish in wanting them to stay for me. So... I am the only one to blame. I don't know what I do wrong, but I am responsible for it, how selfish is that?
*I realize I may be ruminating some more here... *
I wish I could have T reassuring me and telling me she is still there. But I can't have that either.

eme: thank you a lot for your kind words

Thank you a lot smilingpenguin. Part of me really really wants to believe you, and I am so thankful to have those words written, because when they are just "inside me", I can so easily tell myself I am terribly wrong and selfish. I guess I just really took in the message that I should be ashamed of feeling bad, and that it was selfish and evil.
And this probably feeds my fears about T and my abandonment issue, even if it was not an actual abandonment.
Thank you.

And quick update: I was... upset, and asked T whether she was still there (because... Idk, I was convinced she had 'left' and would not answer and would not want to hear from me ever again, because well... she can leave me anytime, so why wouldn't she?) and she answered she was still there.
And I do feel silly for asking this. And guilty for letting myself be upset by silly things, and worse, acting on them and asking for reassurance while I just had to be sensible and stop being silly. But... I am reassured (a bit), so I am quite thankful for that and that my T did not ignore me. (of course, my brain is trying to prove that her answer shows how it was terrible and wrong that I asked this. I'll worry about that tomorrow, just for tonight, I'll try to pretend I believe she is not gone and she cares, I think I can be able to ignore the Wrong Interpretations for one evening)

Hi About,

I don't know if it helps to hear this but it is very common for people to enter therapy believing that their upbringing wasn't linked to the issues they wrestle with in adulthood. Because children have to form a bond with their parents, it is really, really hard to take an objective look at what happened. Sometimes people choose not to look at their difficulties through that lens and that is their choice - but sometimes it is helpful to look at some of the deeply held beliefs we have about ourselves.

The stories we tell about our lives and the meanings we draw from them are usually functional - they serve a purpose. When children have been neglected, then the narrative they build is usually that there is something deeply, intrinsically wrong with them. To think in any other way is such a damaging experience that, crazy as it seems, it is easier to survive feeling as if you are responsible than to believe that your caregiver wasn't there for you like they should have been. Children's emotions are not developmentally sophisticated enough to grasp that the behaviour of their parents is not to do with their worth but to do with their parents.

Sometimes it can be helpful to look at your parents backgrounds and even grandparents. When I was able to see generational patterns of f***ed-up-ness right the way through my family before I was even born, it helped me understand that there were more powerful influences at work.

I walked into a clinical psychologist's office in 2002 and told him that I had a reasonably uneventful, normal childhood. I thought the reason everything broke was because I wasn't clever, strong or sociable enough to get by at university on my own. It was utter rubbish of course but damn it felt like the unshakeable truth.

I am right with SP. It is never ok to abandon a child and even less ok to convince them that it is their fault. It may not seem as big a deal as physical abuse but neglect is right up there on the top 5 things you need not to do to a child or teenager. It is not selfish to want to be cared for - it is a basic human right.

I am genuinely quite shocked and feel saddened by your experiences as a young person and I think you are being immensely brave trying to make sense of it all in therapy.

Hi Mallard,

Thank you for your reply and sorry it took me so long to answer. Your answer makes a lot of sense, or at least, that's what my rational self says, and would accept for anyone but myself... I guess we all do that!
I realized I was still seeing my childhood therapist at that time. And I never told her, because it just seemed to be... my problem, that I had to fix. And it fell under the rule of "don't tell people, or they will leave you". That's ... fun. The 23-yo me would probably see it as something to mention in therapy, just... as an information.
Thank you a lot. Reading your words helps in reminding me that I am not (too) guilty for having feelings (gosh, just writing this makes me feel guilty!). Thank you.

Longer update: thanks to all your good words, I could "find my way" in the last session. It was a tough one, with numerous moments in which I just sat there paralyzed in fear and shame, which is never something I particularly enjoy.

I had sent a text to T 2 days earlier to check that she was... still there. For some reason, I was entirely convinced she did not want to see me again/had finally decided to stop pretending she cared because I really did not deserve it, and I just could not bear it and stand going to the session to just feel she would not care and I was... tired of having all those feelings of being abandoned.
I managed to tell her a little about the week. The previous session I had admitted having current SU thoughts, so she wanted to know about that and the text, so I tried to tell her about being scared she would indeed "abandon" me, and she was very good in helping me saying some of it (ohh, the shame of having to say all this).
I think that the strength of those feelings is partly due to the fact that the 3 week Christmas break is coming and that I also know I will move out of country in less than 6 months, so... losing her, which activates my best fears: abandonment. As she nicely puts it, I already practice it every week between sessions, yeah! So the plan is to learn how to tolerate those feelings without being crushed by the anxiety and the despair, which sounds theoretically good, but includes going through them. I don't really have a choice anyway. We also tried to discuss how I interpreted her behaviour as rejecting me, but I did not manage to explain about it this week, too much guilt, and shame. But it is okay, if I did not do everything at once.
Last but not least... I asked for something! Big deal, big risk! But I honestly was not sure I could go through another week of feeling abandoned/rejecting/I should be dead. I asked for more sessions (I hate being this needy thing, I can take care of myself right), and... yeah, T said yes. Of course, I feel guilty because: what if I manipulated her into saying yes because she feared I would get hurt if she did not? What if I don't actually need/deserve it? What if I acted as a drug addict, and just gave into the temptation of getting some more "drug"? Part of me thinks I needed her to say yes more than the actual sessions, to know that it mattered that I was in pain and that I was allowed to ask for relief, and that she was listening enough. Part of me thinks it is a good thing, because I am not exactly at my best, and I am so scared of not having enough sessions before I leave T, and keeping this anxiety in check is important if I want to be functional enough to do therapy. So... it calmed down my crazy interpretations... a bit (of course, I found 20 new signs that I am terrible and that T knows it, but shhhh)

Sorry for this long update. Thank you all.

I just cannot get over how much you sound like I did about two years ago. Keep going, it does get better.