Ha, ha, Cowboy- I win! You aren't as reliable and consistent as I thought you were. But it's kind of a pyrrhic victory.

You know...guys, he's been so consistent, so available, and once or twice when he forgot to schedule a session, he was apologetic, and more than made up for it by scheduling me really far out. He's been, oddly, very careful about that. almost like a mind reader. All of this strange availability and willingness to schedule weekly sessions has kept things somehow really safe for me. It's an odd thing, but there it is, it seems to be the most important part of therapy, that I...actually have a very consistent therapy time, and that all I have to do is say "yes, please, or "do we have an appointment scheduled?" It's also totally held transference at bay for me, probably because I've never really experienced someone purposefully make time for me so willingly in their schedule, as if it is something I can just expect from him. It's felt nice, totally safe, and also the relationship (although often, not the therapy) is lacking in any emotional intensity that total unavailability when I'm in need seems to trigger. I think that this is good for me, though. It's not like I can't see what the problem is in me, it's just that I don't have to re-experience it through transference like I did with Guru.

So last week, Cowboy didn't schedule something when I left the way he usually does, and I forgot to mention it. He actually emailed me the next day, informing me that we didn't have anything scheduled and asking how I'd like to proceed, that I could let him know if I like Wednesdays or something else. I wrote back, stating something to the effect of I prefer Wednesday evenings, but that if someone else needs that time, I could come any day in the late afternoons. He never wrote back. And he never scheduled an appointment, either, and it looks like I don't have one for tonight. I could just write and ask for one, which is probably what I should do- but even though I know I must care, I can't really feel that I care...which is wonderful, in a way, not to have the agonizing intensity that this kind of thing used to trigger with Guru T- and yet- it is triggering some kind of underlying thingy relating back to him, or I guess I wouldn't even be asking for input! It's just that I really feel like I'd rather walk away than contact Cowboy T *again* ( I had to do the same thing a few other times) and if he doesn't write back to me, I suspect that is when I will end up walking, or...just drifting away from therapy..simply because... if Cowboy is going to start playing the same game Guru played, than...I fold. I will not beg, plead, and boot lick to get an appointment. That is final. If I get regular appointments, fine, dude- I really appreciate it, but if I have to beg, borrow, plead and remind repeatedly...then I am done. y'know?

Beebs