I've been discussing the way I struggle to trust him. That led to my telling him I was worried he was angry, frustrated, or disgusted with me (I've told him that before). Which eventually led to me admitting that one of the things that bothered me was him always keeping a 4 foot distance between us at all times. I've been seeing him for three years and for most of that time I haven't wanted him to come any closer but in the last couple of months when we've been talking about my painful memories from childhood I've wished he would move closer or pat my shoulder/arm or even a handshake.

After the first session we talked about physical proximity I sent him an email telling him that I wasn't asking for a hug but a handshake or some similar level of contact. Yesterday we had a session where we chatted about small things going on in my life for the first half. Then he talked about how he understood that I didn't just trust what he said because in the session before he told me his distance was not a sign he was disgusted by me or trying to avoid me and my stories but he understood why I might feel that way. He said again that I just had to wait and see how he was instead of expecting that I would trust his verbal statements. He didn't mention handshakes at all and then he changed the subject. I told him I wasn't happy he changed the subject because I wanted to talk more about it and he just evaded. I didn't ask him directly in person like I did in the email but I'm still angry he didn't address it.

I hate that he won't tell me where he stands on the issue of touch/handshakes. I know sometimes he thinks that it is more important that I talk about how I feel about things but I think that is so difficult when he doesn't admit how he feels. I think it would be easier for me to talk about why I think I want to shake his hand and why I want to now but not 6 months ago or why it seems so important right now that I can't talk about anything else if I knew how he felt or I believed he would tell me how he felt but I don't think he will. I think he will continue to avoid the topic.

I'm so frustrated today he sent me an email saying that he thought there weren't direct answer to many of the issues I was struggling with and we could keep discussing them in my session tomorrow. I composed a pretty honest email telling him that I thought that there were direct answers to questions like "would you shake my hand? why or why not?" but he wouldn't answer me. I also told him that I thought this was an example of the way we failed at working together because his response or avoidant response just completely shuts down my exploration of the issue and why it is important to me. I haven't sent the email. I don't know whether to send it and never go back, send it and go to my session, not send it and quit. In the past when I felt like we were stuck like this I'd tell myself it didn't matter what he thought of me and try and focus on a specific topic to discuss that was very different than our relationship. I don't think I can do that anymore.