Ok, now that I got that cleared up, let me say that I was surprisingly calm and at peace all day yesterday. The session was good and my T was absolutely amazing. I felt her everlasting presence with me all day and it felt so good. But I am not surprised that I am hurting so much today, after all it is the initial 24-48 hour heartache we talk about so much here. (Man I want that t-shirt!) I already placed a desperate call to her at 6:00 this morning though. She will be in the office for a few hours before she leaves this afternoon, so I hope she is able to make time to return my call. I will have to understand if she can’t though. I just hope she does if you know what I mean. Otherwise you will be hearing about that later today.
She gave me the recording she prepared for me and I listened to a brief segment in the car when I got back to the parking structure. I barely made it there due to the fact that I was trembling and weak and I was sobbing profusely. I sat with my head resting on the steering wheel wondering how I would manage to drive an hour back home in this condition, but I clicked on the recorder and there she was, right where she has been all along; in my heart. I just need to listen and notice her there. She instructed me to take some deep breaths and to scan my body and feeling it relax. She reminded me that a secure base can go away for a while and come back and validate my longing for closeness again and we can pick up where we left off. Our relationship will stand up to the distance. She will come back, she will be safe, and I am safe. I can be strong and feel separate yet together. I am free to explore against the background of her safety. As I do this I will notice that I can be capable and competent, more assertive and uninhibited in my life and my relationships. I can find energy to soothe myself and take care of things I need to do as an adult. I can find a safe place for my little girl self that she will enjoy and feel secure and cared for while I take care of my adult needs that do not concern her.
Speaking of my child self, I couldn’t help but notice that it seems that her pillows on her couch are disappearing. Her couch used to be full of mismatched throw pillows, but it seemed rather empty yesterday. I was going to mention that, but when I sat down she handed me my voice recorder and we became involved in that conversation instead.
She has so lovingly prepared me for this and I am grateful beyond words. But every once in a while I feel a deep stabbing pain thrust into my chest ripping away the flesh into a deep menacing cavity of despair. There is so much grief, anxiety, fear of loss, and fear for safety. Who will I run to for protection when she is gone? Who will sympathize with all the horrifying traumas that ravage me? Who could tolerate to know what she knows and still stand like a strong tower for me against the angst of all that I have suffered?
I don’t know how this must sound, but I hope that I do not frighten anyone away from responding to me.
I am crying because my T is gone and I don't know how to live wihtout her
I was working in the house this evening, and thinking about getting my things packed to go, when it hit me I would miss my session!!!..I got totally depressed and upset, but then I remembered..."Hey he didn't kick me out when I told him the truth, so I can wait that long instead of what coud have been no more therapy ever!" So look on the bright side, what if you didn'have the tape to listen to What if she had just left and id not prepare you?...Always find the cup half full if you can...I don't always but I try too...hang in there, the weeks will pass before you know what hit you!! Have a great night, Charlotte