t stated this concept, which is what is KILLING ME.

i grew up in a very negative, SARCASTIC, critical, 'fear of humiliation' driven home...and when i see that leak out of me, it makes me crazy.

recent minor example, kiddo brings tea into den (against rules for kids, but he is 15 and rules are starting to change) i throw out the first negative "better not spill that", then, of course, he spills it and i get mad, say i told you to be careful (duh!) and am too aggressive with my help on cleaning it up with him (humiliation) and kiddo feels bad about himself and says he'll just go to his room and i go one step further in my bad parenting and say i certainly hope he is more resilient than that (criticizing), that it is ok for me to be mad (i am right and you are wrong), and that he should not feel he needs to absent himself and go to his room....i humiliate him for leaving. geez, could i just staple my mouth shut!!???

wow. not a major deal, i know, but that was the pervasive negativity i had, the day in and day out of it just ended up getting me where i am.

t said i could review relaxing my rules, that i could have chosen to remain silent through the whole thing as he got up to clean it immmediately, that i could expect the mild explicative that i realize now raised my anxiety, and i could have just let the natural course of his actions run, w/o my input. that i could have just had a good natured, relaxed comment that 'he who makes messes cleans them up' if i said anything at all. that i could notice in the future if he feels criticized and choses to leave that i could ask him the question, 'why, son, when you are corrected do you feel you need to leave' and i could facilitate some natural exchange of communication in 'conflict' that i myself always chose to run away from. MY PATTERN BIG TIME...run away from troubles, deny them, bodily remove myself from the situation and put head deeply into sand and imagine it all goes away, live in denial not reality....grrrrrrrrrr

y'no, it is just the little things that add up so greatly, and are so dad gum annoying to get right.

turn on brain before opening mouth.

ANYWAY, the whole point, is that this is my identification with the aggressor, from how i was treated as a child to how i, especially under pressure, default to these harmful patterns. AND I WANT TO QUIT IT NOWWWWWW!!!!!

i fear it is so embedded so deep within me that it will never be erradicated!!

gosh, i wish i had t's personality. what a pleasant disposition! i pleaded that people who have that pleasant, upbeat disposition have NO IDEA how hard it IS for people that don't!!!!!!!!

and me identifying with my aggressor makes me want to pull my HAIR OUT strand by strand!!!!

my worst nightmare come true, in four simple words. jill