ED T called back. Evidently... It's not okay for anyone not to eat.

She also said we don't want anything medical to happen to me - again, people cleanse constantly and don't appear to end up in the hospital.

trying to do "the right thing" to honor myself (T even said a binge would be "okay right now" [probably to quell my guilt as often the pattern is after restriction a binge comes].

Sorry. I'll probably delete this whole thing. I'm just trying to help myself somehow.

Wow, I think I would be really triggered to if I were in your place. At the least I think that was a really poor choice of disclosures to you...

Definitely seems like a poor choice of things to share with you. But not all cleanses are fasting. Some are just choosing to eat only raw foods or vegetables or fruits for a short period of time. Again not something to share with those of us that struggle.

((SP)) Growing up I never ate "right" I'd get in trouble for too much, too little, too wrong, too fattening and all sorts of things. It's very interesting you feel so strongly, what have your kidlets asked? If you don't mind sharing!

BLT - Yea... it was a really poor choice on her part. She has worked w/ EDs in the past, but I don't think to the extent I have mine... because I have a whole T for that... but I dunno. This is on a list of many 'oops' I've had with her. She's a sweetheart and I don't mean to be triggered (I feel so awful that I am).

Jill - I'd forgotten about cleanses where you can eat... still... restricting your food to certain items? I'm not "allowed" to do that. i don't think my T can give me any details on her cleanse because it won't make it any better... ya know? Whether she starved for 3 weeks or was on a liquid diet, or ate some strange mix of foods... if it's not enough calories I dunno how it can be good. I know the motive behind it makes a difference but still in one way, I could claim mine was the same.

I feel so stupid being triggered, like because I know I should do better. I had a bit to eat because I'm not feeling wellbut I feel guilty about that.

I'm sorry to have you guys invited in to my trainwreck of an ED world. It's this all consuming thing that seems as simple as 'just don't think like that' to fix. It's like this thing inside my head right now telling me I'm not good enough, disciplined enough, worth enough, insignificant enough, too wasteful, can't even do what my T can do so easily... and I have the be sane voices too. When I try to do anything I freeze.

Hi Cat.

I'm hoping things are better for you now. I was having some personal issues and had to back away from the boards for a little bit.

I wanted to respond to you. You know I know the inside of that ED trainwreck thinking all too well. My T is always trying to get me to see the middle ground. She says I seem to graze by that place as I swing from pole to pole in my black and white thinking.

T should not have shared her cleanse information with you. That is absulute. But..... The problem is not the cleanse, it our inability to do things in moderation. T must be able to do a cleanse and then return to normal eating and not have any value judgements about herself in the process. That is where we go wrong.

I am so totally with you. I got several bits of bad news last week and didn't eat anything at all for two days. Things that I have little to no control over. The only thing good those days was to get on and off the scale multiple times and see if the number had changed. My attempt to be in control somewhere in my life.

The voices are the worst. I can hear my dad's critical voice talking about my body all the time. I can hear T's voice in my head too. Sometimes I want to cry because it seems too loud in there!

Just wanted you to know that I understand. I hope your doing better now.

Jillann