Hi all-

I have been gone yet again.. I have to say it has been REALLY a challenge for me to deal with emails and my communities. I love to read and write but sometimes I just go into spaces where I just can't seem to do it, respond or write even when I have a desire someplace to do so. I do read in general to see what's going on most times but thats about it.

Life is okay i guess as best as it can given my difficult circumstances. I'm feeling a lot more anxious about studying the GRE (Graduate Record Exam). I really need to start preparing myself for this arduous exam in order to proceed to my graduate school goals. I'm terrible with math and it's a major part of the exam so it's very stressful.

Therapy has been challenging lately because it has taken so darn long for me to warm up to Adrine. I still miss Holly a whole lot and now Im trusting Adrine a lot more but its just slow. We have been doing a lot of work on core beliefs, cognitive distortions, some work mostly with my mood and some abit with handeling the PTSD symptoms. My psychiatrist recently said something about my PTSD being a chronic thing not going away and I was just completely taken aback by this as I have always looked at PTSD as something treatable. I can still have my own feelings about it but still.... I guess I never conceptualized it as it could just stay and that sorta just sucks.

My health is the same. Still in pain despite being on morphine. It helps a whole lot though so I can function but still it's worrisiome. I take like 9 medications which frustrates me and I'm chronically tired. A lot of my friends seem to rely on me as the listening ear because they find me easy to talk to I guess but it's hard to find support in the reverse. Than again, Im quite guarded of a lot of myself so... lol..

I've cut down some of my emails by leaving some communities that were getting on my nerves and it helped because I have had some people that hurt me a lot since im incredibly sensitive to being/feeling abandoned... something else im working on in therapy.. and it sucks.. lol.

My goals are still in tact. just slow going due to major financial/economic, inefficient medical coverage and things like that. I really need much more medical care than Im getting and so its really putting a major obstacle in front of mine.

guess thats all for now

ps, I deleted one of my poems on dissociation... im not sure why.. i guess it was just there and i suddenly felt weird about it being there and doesnt seem like anyone was interested in it so i deleted it. I haven't been writing much poetry lately...