Hi new peeps, old peeps.
been thinking of this place on and off for awhile now but taking me a bit to get back over here and say anything.

I miss it here but energy has been quite low and things just the same in my life.

I have been writing a lot more poetry as I'm interested in Spoken word/Slam poetry and looking into that style. I love it and want to be able to do it so my style has transitioned some. Therapy is.. idk... Holly.. is still my forever best therapist. I got back in contact with her and we chat once in awhile via email just to see whats up. She is still up in San Fran. It's interesting learning more about her outside of the therapist role! My current therapist got her first masters in movement and art therapy and now she is getting her PhD in Clinical neuropsychology. She has PTSD.. been through therapy... was VERY self disclosing with me about stuff.. maybe too much acutally. It kinda made me feel Uncomfortable! But I still like her.. I just feel we didn't progress to much because of her im not sure.. being a student and also she is from Japan. She speaks 3 languages!! But yeh, she is translating lots!!! It's amazing. She is VERY sweet... nice.. very Japanese. I love her artistic side.. meshes well with mine. I think she doesnt pick up well on my non verbals and we have had some mis communications several times that I have had to make direct efforts to work out with her. It's kinda irritating but at the same time for some reason, I feel tolerant of her. maybe cause i KNOW she has dealt with PTSD personally and understands the whole dissociation thing.

Anyways, I thought I would share some poetry bits when I remember to come. I hope that doesnt sound bad because I don't mean to come off that way. I'm just spazzy in the head alot.
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THis is a poem I did on the issue of Cutting.. .so prewarn triggers here:

Bleed it out


She takes the razors edge to her flesh
ever so slightly
delicately
breaks a line across bare skin
droplets of blood
form a line
then a bubble
it spills lightly over the edge of her skin
makes river canals
ridges
blood instead of water

she scrapes the area near her wound
creating yet another
watching the newly formed river
collide with the old one
congealing

releasing the pain
the masked over tension
relieving the angst
spilling the rage

that feeling of falling apart
is gone from her again
she has released the feeling
of shattered pieces
fragments of the past
trying to make their way through

she can’t hold it together
the tears are under the surface
she’s scared and alone
the cutting will make due

bleed it out
just a bit deeper
until it all goes away

emotions held in suspension
unattainable
unidentified
stolen objects

body numbness
cells echoing against veins
clashing in her bones
someone’s yelling
who?
She can’t tell

The inner turmoil
deathly silence
you’re just a bad bad girl

got to just bleed it out
cut a bit deeper
let it drip out
feel no more
numbness takes over

just another way
to keep the pain at bay

Butterfly Warrior April 20, 2009