I told sweetP that I keep imagining that I am invisible and I sneak under his arm and put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat and that is how I am coping these last two weeks. I apologized for it, as I know he will not touch/hold me in real lilfe and I am imagining he is holding me, anyway. I can't seem to stop little me doing this, though I have tried.

He did not shout at me.

sweetP: "I think if it helps I will just say what my gut reaction is.
[S: Please don't shout at me]

sweetP: It makes me feel a little bit tearful because it's very moving, and it feels like it is the 'little you' needing that comfort and reassurance, the pure physical connection. And you are merged and you are there and you can feel their heart beating and it feels very moving. Whether it involves me or your husband or anyone - I couldn't stop you from doing it,anyway, could I! It is a way of using me which you can do because you have hit a limit about me which is painful and sometimes you are pretty cross at me about that and really hurt about me not holding you -
S: I kick your shins a lot!
[I do, in my head.]

I am glad I told him as I was feeling a bit guilty about imagining that as a way to soothe me these days.