During my last session on Monday, I told my T that I was not sure I wanted to continue with therapy. After being so badly triggered by seeing his wife in the parking lot and struggling with my injured, defective hip I was feeling very low. I just could not see putting myself through the agony and fear each time I went to see him that I could once again bump into the wife and be horribly triggered into emotional flashbacks. My T seemed a bit surprised that I was so serious about this and he asked me to take a few days and think it over and decide if I could continue with him. He told me we could "process" what was triggering me so badly and get past this. I was really doubtful.

So I left and thought about what to do for a few days. I thought about our relationship, how hard we worked to get to this point and mostly I remembered that my T has taken such good and wonderful care of me. He does so much for me that he does not have to do. He does it because he genuinely cares about me.

It hit me that leaving him was much more scary and painful than staying and working through my junk. The core of what triggers me with regard to his wife is my self loathing and my feelings of worthlessness. I look at her and she has so much of what I want and what I can't be and that throws me into the black hole. I abandon the relationship with my T before he can abandon me... because why would he want to be with me when I compare SO unfavorably with the person he chooses to actually LIVE with. It's a horrible place to be.

I picked up the dragon he gave me to keep over a year ago and remembered how he told me to keep it until I decide to leave. I put it down and thought NO... he is not getting it back.

I went in today and he was just standing there by his desk when I walked in. I said hi we shook hands and sat down. It got right to the point. He reminded me of our last conversation and the decision I had to make. I wonder if he was nervous or worried. It's hard to take in. A friend of mine who knows my whole story said she thought it was deeply troubling him to think of my leaving. I have been with him for 3 long, hard years. So I told him I gave it a lot of thought and I realized that no one has ever taken such good care of me and I didn't want to leave him. He smiled and said GOOD! This means we have done our work well and have succeeded. The attachment, connection and our relationship is what won out over my fears of facing my past.

We talked a little about my fears of his wife and how it made me feel. He said although I feel fear I was never actually harmed by her. I said yes I was because it spiraled me into emotional flashbacks. He said but that comes from your past and your history with others. Then he said something really important. He said that if he really felt that I was truly hurt or harmed by her then he would make changes. That told me how important it is to him that I am protected.

I mentioned to him about holding my dragon last night and what I was thinking. He said that he was thinking about the dragon this morning. I said wow that is a coincidence. I asked him why. He said he was wondering if he was going to get it back today. That really touched me.

We did some work on my self acceptance. I still am a bit mystified how he is going to make me feel okay about his wife being in the office. What I did get from our talk is that I need to EXPERIENCE his feelings and his opinion about me (essentially he is reflecting who I really am back to me) then I will grow/heal and be able to stand up to her and walk tall. I had told him that I wished I could walk to his office with a blanket over my head. My way of disappearing myself. I am terrified of HER knowing I am there or who I am or recognizing me in any way. He said that makes him sad because he is very proud of me and he likes and cares for me and does not want me to hide.

So he told me that Monday I have to walk up his stairs repeating to myself 5 good things he has told me about me. He said that will remove some of my fear. So I see him Monday and hopefully I can remember this and the fear will subside enough so I'm not in panic mode walking into his office.

Thanks for reading
TN