Kashley, I am so sorry you are in this tailspin since being home. I know how that black hole of self hate feels and how hard it is to be sociable with others. You just don't have the energy. Is is possible to call a friend to come over or to talk or take a walk with... to walk around the mall or go for a coffee? Getting out even if you have to really force yourself will help. Is there a crisis line you can call to talk to someone? To just have someone live to chat with and to hear you and your pain will be helpful I think.

I know you don't like contacting your T but did she give you access to her while she is away? I did email oldT last Christmas because things go really hard for me.

Keep posting here too so we can hear how you are and how you are handling being home again. Don't be so hard on yourself and try to hold onto something good and positive that your T told you recently. Try to keep her close to you until you can see her again.

Sending you safe hugs, Kashley. I do hope things get better for you.

TN

AW Kashley...I just want to send you biggest hugs right now, sweetie. I'm sorry that being with them is triggering you.. being with family...how much longer do you have to stay? Is it just you nad the P's or are there others there to take the focus off you...Gah- I would die if it was just me.

gentle hugs to you, sweetheart, I hope you can keep posting. I'm not able to be around much lately, but I will be popping in tomorrow to see how you are faring.

Love,

Blackbird

I know what you mean about the short answers, it is so hard to listen when there is a lot of talk (or screaming) already going on in your head.

Keep posting here, we are here to keep you going when things are going rough and we won't yell at you.

kashley

I've no time right now and I wish I had, but just want to send you thoughts and a big hug. I am so sorry this is so hard for you right now. Please please keep posting and getting support here to see you through this.

sorry I've got to fly

starfish

((((Kashley))))

I'm sorry it's so hard to be home. You've had a lot coming up in therapy and I would imagine that being home is going to be really triggering. As you can see from everyone's posts here, family is difficult for a lot of us. I know that the feelings can be very intense and feel very overwhelming but try to remember they are only feelings and you won't always feel this way. I know it can be difficult and even scary to speak about how you're feeling but you're safe here. Come when you can, but know even if you can't post, we're here and thinkng of you.

AG

HI,

8 more days before I see T again! I really hate these long breaks!

Well at least the days are getting shorter! I bought myself a Therapy pillow (the one that says FINE) Her first question will be *So how are you doing?* Then I can flash her the pillow!

She knows I hate that question, but she says *I really do need to know! Oh well, maybe she will find the pillow statement funny and get her question answered at the same time!

Kashley,

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time being at home. I am not surprised that it is triggering and overwhelming. Is there any way that you can call a friend or go out for a bit to get a change of scenery? I know it seems like a long time still, but this will pass soon and you will be back at school and on your regular routine. Sending you safe hugs. I hope things improve soon.

Dear Kashley
I'm so sorry you've not been in a good place and can't add much in the way of advice but if you could get out and walk, have coffee, see a movie, meet a friend - maybe try to do one little thing for yourself each day!! Put your ipod on and I shouldn't say this but mentally you could just give everyone
Gotta go now but hope you keep posting
Morgs

I appreciate all of your replies so much. Thank you. I'm kind of answering some of your questions in this update. I'd like to respond to each of you individually, but I just don't have the energy right now.

With my father in town, part of what's really getting to me is not knowing what thing I say or do will make him angry with me. I've been scared to do something to "mess up" his plans (which are spur of the moment decisions). He's not leaving until Tuesday, but I do get to spend the evening with some friends tomorrow for one of their birthdays. I'm just having a really hard time being around him because of his insidious comments to both my mother and I (BB, I am an only child). And my mom takes it with a smile, and I can't do that anymore. He's "joked" that maybe I actually love him since I bought him a present. It makes me think I'm a horrible daughter when he says stuff like that, but especially since I don't even know if I do love him. I've just started ignoring his comments, which has gradually made things worse.

Last night in the middle of dinner (which is hard in itself) at a really nice restaurant, I broke out in tears after he started getting angry when I insisted that I'd do what I need to do to support myself in grad school. He's convinced I can't do it, and he doesn't want to pay, so he wants me to go straight into the workforce after I graduate. It really got to me, because I've planned my whole college career on building my resume for grad school, and I'm 3 semesters away from graduating. He hasn't paid a dime for college so far (although he was sure to let me know how much I cost him).

I don't know. Just so much of what he and my mother have said just drives me crazy, because I don't know what's real and true. I'm spending New Years Eve with some friends, and I'm going straight back to my apartment from there. My T and I actually didn't talk about contact over the break. We really didn't talk about the break at all. She always tells me I can call - I feel especially hesitant because of the holidays. I wish I could email her, but I don't have it. I'm trying to write at least a little bit in a journal so that I can maybe explain some of this to my T, since I always seem to forget everything.

My next session is creeping closer...it is on the 3rd. At least Christmas is over (however bad that sounds).

Thanks all.

Kashley

Just wondering how you are getting on? I think it was today that your dad was leaving town, hopefully that might make things a little aeasier for you. I'm also really glad to hear you are spending New Year's Eve with friends - good After that it will be time to go back and nearer still to when you see your T. Well done for writing things down for your next sesson, I hope that will really help you work through some of those really difficult things that have come up for you over the holiday.

Is there any way you could ask T for an email address if that's an easier contact method for you - I am aware that some Ts don't email.

quote:

She always tells me I can call - I feel especially hesitant because of the holidays. I wish I could email her, but I don't have it

This is something that I know of course you know bit just wanted to remind you .....your T wouldn't have said to call her if you need to if she didn't want you too you know? It's hard to do I really do know, but she made the offer, so never feel bad if you needed to.

Well done for getting through kashley, take care,

starfish

Kashley - So sorry about your family time. Hopefully your dad is gone by now. You do know that what you need or plan on for your future is your decision. If you want to go to Grad school then go. It is your future not theirs. I know that's tough especially if you have to pay your own way, but you can do it.

I hope you are feeling better.

Hi, Kashley...sorry it's taken me longer to get back...I wanted to tell you that the comments your father is making are extremely invalidating, and you do not need or deserve that treatment. Also- yes your future is your decision...particualrly since he isn't even paying...but even if he *was* paying for your education, it would still be your decision, since it is your life. I grew up in family where, my decisions were always someone else's to make, or, nobdody cared about me until it somehow made them *look bad*- or caused some anxiety, or whatever- and to learn to stand on your own without the support you so badly need and deserve- and trust yourslef is so extremely difficult in such a situation. However- you are an extremely intelligent young woman, and a caring and compassionate soul- you have much to offer this world. Try to leave the negative messages behind, and listen instead to the positive messages you receive about yourself, where they come- which are much more truthful and believable and trustworthy.

xo,

BB

Kashley,

I am so sorry your family time did not work out well. It is 5:19 CST here so hopefully your dad has already left. You do not deserve to be treated in such a manner by him.

It *is* your life and your decision to make about grad school. If that is what you want then go for it!

Take care,

Starfish, Smiley, Beebs, and Marsh - thanks for your replies. My dad did leave this morning, thankfully without any other confrontations or anything. I'm pretty numb and a bit lost for words (not for any particular reason), so I'll come back to update tomorrow maybe. You know what I'm realizing is that the numbness feels so much worse now that I'm starting to feel again. Numbness has been all I've known for literally as long as I can remember that I guess I've just gotten used to it and haven't been aware of an alternative.

Anyway, thanks to all you wonderful folks for your kindness...I just can't help the feeling that I'm stealing something that's not mine. But thank you nonetheless. I'll be back soon.

quote:

I broke out in tears after he started getting angry when I insisted that I'd do what I need to do to support myself in grad school. He's convinced I can't do it, and he doesn't want to pay, so he wants me to go straight into the workforce after I graduate.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much Kashley and that the holidays were so difficult.

Education is a real hot spot for me. I always got very good grades in school and I even skipped the 8th grade because I was in an accelerated program in junior high school. Even with all of that my parents had no provisions for me to go to college. They expressed no interest or offered no guidance to me. If they didn't have the money they could have looked into financial aid, grants, loans, scholarships etc. I was pretty young when time came to decide on college and career... I graduated high school at age 16 and my father wanted me to go directly into the work force as a "girl Friday".... basically someone's servant in an office setting. My only skill was that I could type fast. It amazes me that he somehow felt that this was a good "career path" for me. I did not want to go to work in the "city" at age 16 but I had no money and no help/guidance so I went and applied to the 2-year community college which was free in those days. The only cost was a small student activity fee and books. I worked part time to pay for that and transportation. I earned a 2 year degree which really didn't get me too far. I have struggled in low paying subordinate jobs all of my life and regret that I never went to a 4 year college or graduate school. It is something that I grieved intensely while in therapy with oldT. It still hurts. And I still regret that I somehow never found a way to finish school while I was young and I missed out on the whole college experience, meeting people and making connections and just being part of the social scene. My parents would spout the line "you can be anything you want" yeah but then my mom scared me or discouraged me out of anything I chose and how could I be "anything" when I didn't have the education! I had to fight with them just to be able to attend a 2 year school.

And so I just want to tell you to stick to your plans and pursue grad school and hold really tight to your dreams. Don't allow anyone to talk you out of them. You know what is right for you and if you can find anyway to accomplish it then go for it. You are intelligent and caring and any grad school would be fortunate to have you. And you have worked hard for this. Please don't give up.

Second part of my story is... two years ago I decided to enroll back into college to get a B.S. degree. I worked really hard and I have a 4.0 GPA right now. I had six classes to go to graduate. It would have been in June of 2011. It was getting so close and I got used to thinking of myself as the class of 2011. It felt so good. Then oldT terminates me and traumatizes me to the point where I could no longer concentrate or read or write anything like a paper for school. I had to take a leave of absence. I am no longer in the class of 2011. It's something else to mourn for me.

Kashley, I don't want to see you having to mourn the loss of grad school. If your parents can't help you then find others who can and will and we are here to cheer you on. I wish you the best...

Lots of hugs
TN

I'm so sorry that your parents gave you such a hard time about college. And I'm especially sorry that everything with your old T kept you from graduating on track. You are such a great, intelligent, caring person...you would make such a great T. I hope that, with the help of newT, you'll be able to go back soon and finish up those last few classes.

My dad wanted to have another "talk" with me yesterday before he left about my plans for graduate school and said that unless I am going to be a doctor or lawyer, then the payoff after graduate school isn't enough to warrant it. And he does't want me to have all of these loans to "burden my future husband" with. I just didn't say anything while he was telling me all of this (except a quiet comment about how sexist his point was!), which ended up being a good thing.

I'm really trying to keep good grades so that I can get as much financial aid as possible for grad school. I have close to a 3.9 GPA overall, and a 4.0 GPA in psychology, I'm working as a research assistant for one of my psych professors, and I'm going to try to do an honors thesis next fall. I feel like I'm working really hard in a field that I really like. And he's telling me that I'm just going to be a burden if I do this, even though I'm trying to make it easy on everyone. Heck, at this point, I want to keep going just to spite him. Anyway, thanks for sharing more of your story TN. I really, really appreciate it.

I've had several migraines and lots of back problems lately, so I'm kind of tired and definitely numb (in every sense) from medication...sorry that I'm not posting much lately.

Kashley,

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's attitude toward your future schooling. I know it's easy for me to say, but I don't think making plans for your future necessarily needs his input. It is YOUR life and your future. I deeply regret that I let my parents dictate what I studied in college because I ended up going back for what I wanted to do and it cost me a small fortune.

I'm sorry about the back pain and migraines. Those are the worst!! I hope you feel better soon.

kashely? I`ve noticed you been away for some time and i assume its because your still having a hard time..? Hang in there hun, its only 3 (?) more days until you see your T again!
Let us know how you cope if you have the energy to...
Hugs!

Thanks STRM, Draggers, and Frog. You're all so sweet, and I really appreciate your input. It's hard to know the right thing to do when I don't really trust myself.

I'm still having sort of a hard time. I've had periods of complete numbness the past few days. But I'm finding myself a little scared right now, because I just feel on the brink of something. Not suicidal, but I'm feeling very lost and scared. I just have this odd feeling that something is going to happen. Maybe I'm just going crazy..

many safe hugs kashley


I'm so sorry you are feeling lost and scared for a lot of reasons. It makes sense you might be feeling that way - when you are already struggling to trust you and then your father acts in a way that can't help but bring down your confidence in you, even when you are doing so many good things - with school and otherwise. Parents usually have their own agenda's when it comes to school - and it is very hard to seperate ourselves from them sometimes. They are our parents, but they are not always right.

actually, I could go on and on about how valauble graduate shcool can really be - especially after doing so well with your bachelors. All kinds of studies and work has down grad degrees really are very helpful. Just as much for being a doctor and lawyer - and let me tell you, I also know of doctors and lawyers who ended up not being doctors and lawyers. In the end, you are the one who has to live with it and if it is the right decision for you, and it is what you WANT to do, there is enough good evidence that it is worth it. Parents are parents - they just have their own biased opinions and they mean well... and grad school isn't for everyone... but if it is what you want to do, it can be a great tool! (It was a great tool even more my two friends that went to law and medical school and later switched careers. They BOTH say they were very glad they went.)

You can trust you. You are making good decisions. You are wise to consider your fathers input, as he cares about you, and you are wise to keep working towards what you want to do (and good job on the grades by the way!)

And as for being a so called "burden" there usually is a lot more loan assistance and financial aid (and work study) for grad school than undergrad, and yeah, most everyone goes through grad school on loans. But they also end up doing what they love and learning a lot and having invaluable tools that can help them further on. And you will be able to pay that loan off. Doing what you love, instead of regretting you never went, is not a burden. Yeah, it comes with a cost, but that's just how it is and a husband who will love you for you, will know that, and won't see it as a burden. Buying a house is a lot like that too. There are lots of things it is good to avoid loans for, but school and houses are good investments. Try to see it not as a burden but as an investment that will pay off in the long run. Not just financially, but in the joy of doing what you love because you are the one who will be doing it day in and day out.

and no, grad school isn't for everyone, and a few grad degrees are less useful than others (but they are not useless) but it sounds like it is what you want and that you are working hard towards it.

ok, ok. I will get off the soap box now... (shiesh I tried to not even get on it. sorry. just a little passionate about parents who push their ideas onto their kids a little too much about career decisions.)

just being in pain wears people down too.

It makes sense that you are feeling on the edge...

oh sweetie, I don't think you are going crazy. My old P once said that if we ever feel like we are about to go "crazy" or that we are, it is a good sign that we are not...

Maybe your heart and gut is just telling you something is wrong and you need to take care of you. You have been through a lot.

For me, a big part of my own process is learning to trust me, and also trust that I can handle what is coming, and also trust that I know when I need help and support. Maybe your body and heart is just trying to tell you that you have been through a lot and you need some extra support right now - like posting here and maybe calling your T. Just as support, and a safety net of sorts, just in case things do get harder for you. It sounds very reasonable to almost be sort of pre-emptively taking care of you.

for whatever it is worth, I think you are doing a lot of good and wise stuff.

hang in there,
~jane

(((Kashley)))

How are you doing today? I hope today has been better for you and you aren't feeling so lost and scared now.

Draggers, Jane, STRM, you all are wonderful.

Draggers - I think I'm just really way out of my element at home. I've avoided it since this time last year, which was hard, too. I think everything feels a bit amplified because of all that's been coming up in my sessions and I'm just not used to dealing with it. I'm leaving for my apartment tomorrow, so hopefully some of this will ease a bit.

Jane - Thanks for your input on grad school. It's the track I'm going to keep going toward...I think maybe my dad's words hit me a little harder because I'd already been feeling pretty down. I am doing something I like, and I told my dad that I'd rather be paying off loans for the next 20 years doing something I enjoy rather than earning 6 figures in a job that I hate.

Yeah, I know I'm really very bad at trusting myself to know when I need (or deserve..?) help and support.

STRM - You are so sweet to reach out to me, especially when you're in the middle of so, so much. ((((STRM)))) I'm (slightly?) better today. Not as scared, but still very lost. I've had a really, really hard time pushing aside the SH urges lately. And I haven't every time. But the closer it gets to my session, the more capable I feel of resisting. Sort of.

Thank you all again. I'm really nervous for my session on Monday, especially because of the SH incidents over this break. I don't really have any idea how it will go, though. I feel a lot like I just don't want to talk, like it's ridiculous for me to share anything with my T. I tend to feel like that when there's a long time between sessions. Oh well.

Hugs to you all - I know a lot have had a rough time over the holidays.

((((Kashley))))

I hope you will feel better when you get home.
I am glad you stood up to your dad and let him know just how important your hopes and plans for Grad school is!!

I hope your session on Monday goes well for you and you can share with your T all your feelings.
Let us know how it goes.

Hey Marsh, thanks for the support.

I had my session today, and it was both intense and relieving at the same time. I didn't think that I'd be able to tell my T about my self-harm over the break, but after I told her a little about what went on, it felt okay. I told her about having a lot of suicidal thoughts again, and she asked if I thought hospitalization would be a good idea. I just said that I know I won't do anything (which is true at this point). I have no idea if that would help me or not.

I was on the brink of tears for nearly the entire session, and I was scared to start crying because I didn't think I'd be able to stop. I just feel broken. T was trying to help me come up with something to do with animals (since they are the only thing that brings me any comfort) that would help me cope with things right now. I can't have animals at my apartment, but she suggested I go to the humane society to play with some of the animals there. So I've asked a friend (although she doesn't know why) and we're going tomorrow.

I apologized for not talking much, and T said that it was perfectly fine if we were silent, but that she was just trying to find ways to help me. She said that the only thing that bothers her is that I'm suffering. Of course, I said that I feel bad for bothering her and she said she was afraid of that so she would take her comment back and I could just know that her heart goes out to me. I'm a little surprised at how okay it felt to share a lot of things with T today. I was feeling so apprehensive about the session before. So I am definitely relieved that she knows the spot I'm in, but it doesn't make that spot any easier.

I have a question for you all...I just want to know if any of you have experienced this. I don't feel dissociated *in the moment* but thinking about every action that I have done in the past, even if it's just brushing my teeth, feels a little like it was a dream and I don't really know if I've done it. But in the moment, everything feels real. It's only afterward. I even feel a little that way about my session, although I know it happened. I just don't know if I'm making myself do this...? It's very confusing and disorienting.

Anyway, I can't thank you all enough for your support during my break. It helped me so much. Hugs to all who still have to wait a bit longer.

Kashley, I 'm so glad you found some relief in your session today. And that you were able to share the SI stuff with your T as well. Sometimes we surprise ourselves with what comes out but you must have been feeling safe and cared for so you risked opening up to her. That is really good.

It may not feel that telling her this makes your situation any easier but it's an important step in the right direction.

I'm not sure what I feel at times is the same as what you describe about doing things and then not being sure you have done them. Lately, since my termination I have struggled a lot more with dissociation and it's really an issue at work where I have to pay attention to detail and remember things as I work in financial services and mistakes cost money. Sometimes I swear I have done something and it's undone or other times things are done and I have no memory of doing it. But at the time it was done I must have been able to actually do the work, right? Don't know how that happens. Unless what I do is so automatic I don't need to really think about it with the part of the brain that uses memory??? Not sure... will have to ask my newT about this.

It's good to see you here posting, Kashley.

TN

Just wanted to say thanks, TN. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with that sort of dissociation. Sorry I didn't post sooner. Big hugs to you, as I know things have been rough for you lately. (((TN)))

quote:

I have a question for you all...I just want to know if any of you have experienced this. I don't feel dissociated *in the moment* but thinking about every action that I have done in the past, even if it's just brushing my teeth, feels a little like it was a dream and I don't really know if I've done it. But in the moment, everything feels real. It's only afterward. I even feel a little that way about my session, although I know it happened. I just don't know if I'm making myself do this...? It's very confusing and disorienting.

Kashley,

Sorry it has taken so long to reply! I'm glad you had a good session with your T and you were able to open up to her. That is great!

Yes, I feel what you describe much of the time. Sometimes I don't feel real in the moment either, but much of the time it happens like you describe where I thought I was fully present in the moment, but then later my memory is really fuzzy and distant and it feels like it was a dream.

hi kashley,

i love your perspective about grad school - keep pursuing what you love!

i'm glad your session with your t went well and brought some relief. it is wonderful that you were able to share so much with her, and that she was so reassuring when you were silent too. you are doing so much hard but good work.

quote:

T was trying to help me come up with something to do with animals (since they are the only thing that brings me any comfort) that would help me cope with things right now. I can't have animals at my apartment, but she suggested I go to the humane society to play with some of the animals there. So I've asked a friend (although she doesn't know why) and we're going tomorrow.

did you and your friend go to the humane society? my t is out of town... and thinking of going to the humane society myself...

quote:

I have a question for you all...I just want to know if any of you have experienced this. I don't feel dissociated *in the moment* but thinking about every action that I have done in the past, even if it's just brushing my teeth, feels a little like it was a dream and I don't really know if I've done it. But in the moment, everything feels real. It's only afterward. I even feel a little that way about my session, although I know it happened. I just don't know if I'm making myself do this...? It's very confusing and disorienting.

yes, i have experienced this often and much! the worst part is when i can be so present in the moment, and work so hard to be so, only to later on feel like it was a dream or struggle to remember what exactly happened.

for me, it is another way of being dissociative, and my t says it isn't something i do on purpose - we can't "make" our brains dissociate. It's something they learn to do when life is really painful and end up doing when life hurts and when it doesn't. over time, it will get better -

it used to happen all the time for me, now it happens only every now and then - and I have longer and longer time periods where it doesn't happen at all.

it is confusing and disorienting for me too - and frustrating. it is an awful sensation when things don't feel real or like a dream or i can't quite remember things very well that i was very present with in the moment.

you are doing a lot of good work kashley - thanks for sharing with us. you help me not feel so alone in my own battle.

safe hugs,
~ jane

Thanks STRM and Jane.

I've had other times where I don't feel real in the moment either. I had another session today and it happened a bit then, too. Just everything in general feels a little disorienting right now. T suggested I sit somewhere with an armrest I can grab on to and literally hold it to have something steady when everything else isn't. I felt a bit like a mess in session today. Just kept apologizing and then going quiet because I found it so hard to express anything. T was very sweet and understanding and just said that she would keep giving me compassion and care until I learn how to have those things for myself.

Something came up for my friend today, so we're going to go tomorrow. It will be nice to do that now, since the new semester starts next week. Thanks for sharing what your T said about dissociation. I used to dissociate a lot more in session, too, but I haven't as much lately. But it's also been a while since I've felt so much...I think the intensity of feeling and my dissociation go hand in hand. I think my T has picked up on this, too, because she didn't seem surprised when I started to comment on how I wasn't sure if I was really there.

Thanks to you both for your kindness (and no apologies necessary, STRM!). I'm sorry I'm not posting much lately.