In love with my therapist? Maybe?

thatgirlMember

Hello.

I'm not sure that this belongs in this category at all, and I'm even more afraid of posting this because I've never brought it up to anyone, not even my T. So to keep this as anonymous as possible I want to say that I have been seeing him for almost a year to deal with my mental health issues and he's really helped me through a lot. We get along very very well and oddly enough consider one another friends. Now, this is a mutual thing and I know it might seem weird to a lot of people, but it's really quite nice. Anyway, I understand transference, and we've worked through it in the past. To give a little background, I've experienced both paternal issues with him through transference (I had an absent father), and I have dealt with anger through transference (resentment towards my mother). I'm studying psychology in college right now, and have a pretty good grasp on things.

This bit is something that I know I should bring up with him, but I'm really scared to. I have told him I love him (which is totally not transference talking, he genuinely means a lot to me) and we've talked about that and what it would be like if he said it back. That conversation was several months ago and we talked about it and I felt more comfortable with my feelings. Lately, my manic depressive episodes have been alternating very rapidly, and I was terribly suicidal the last week, to the point of almost doing something stupid. The worst is over and I no longer have those feelings. My T helped me get through it.
It seems that every time he helps me in the way of saving my life, I fall more in love with, I don't know, who he is?

There's so much more to the story, I really wish I could explain myself better but I'm so confused and heartbroke and frustrated and embarrassed that I can't type straight.
And I have therapy tomorrow.

One last bit of info (I know, I know, this was already a long read). One of the biggest issues I have with telling him about this is that our age gap is ENORMOUS. Like, five decades enormous. Any romantic feelings just seem wrong. But it also tells me that I should talk to him about it.
If I could ever muster the courage.

Thanks in advance if you read this

10/21/138:38 PM

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catalystMember

Hi ThatGirl,

I can't really be of that much help, but I did want to wish you a welcome here while I'm still awake.

I think it would be a good thing to talk to your T both a bit more in depth about the friendship and your feelings of love (would you say falling in love would be close to erotic transference or is it more/different than that? I apologize for my ignorance). I've heard it's common to have those types of partner feelings with our Ts - it's natural to fall in love with someone who provides us with nurturing, comfort, protection, attention (what's not to love!?) at times. Sometimes it's the feelings within ourselves created by the dynamic that we fall in love with, but it feels like the other person.

When you and your T talked about love and what it would be like if he said it back, did he say it back? What did you gain there? You said it made you feel more comfortable... so maybe you can draw from that experience to work up to telling him about this other stuff? Sorta to help dampen the weirdness that you feel w/ the age gap stuff?

Anyhow, I'm not sure if I helped at all but again... welcome and I hope we can help you!!

10/21/1310:02 PM

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MallardMember

Hi Bella, welcome to the forum

I'm sorry you're really struggling with these powerful feelings.

It is really, really, normal to have loving feelings for your therapist, even to feel as if you have fallen in love with them. But... even with that knowledge it's terribly confusing to go through as a client.

An old T of mine, years ago, told me that she had felt powerfully attracted to her female T (my T was in her 50s, straight, happily married with 2 kids). So, I think the feelings that come up in therapy can really cross gender and age gaps, which can make it even more confusing!

The feelings that we have for our Ts often do have a link to the past, often unmet childhood needs, but that doesn't mean they don't have a here and now element to them as well, which is what I think you're saying about your T meaning a lot to you. I think it's possible to care for our Ts deeply, even feel love towards them. These types of feeling do also tend to be rooted in the past too.

Attachment Girl, a forum member here, has written about erotic transference. Her situation is slightly different from yours in that her father was not absent - but it might be a useful post to read since it talks and gives a rationale for erotic feelings coming up in therapy better than I can in my pre-coffee state. I'll just quote one bit of it that makes a lot of sense.

quote:
One very common reason for sexual feelings for a therapist is actually rooted in our childhood needs. Psychology sometimes refers to the “golden dream.” All human beings had the experience in the womb of being in a safe place, cared for, where all your needs were met and there was no separation between you and your mother; at that point in our development, we are not yet capable of even conceiving that we are a separate being. Then we’re born. No one really knows what a baby is feeling, but when we carry unfulfilled longings and needs from childhood, part of what we long for is to return to that time of perfect safety, where our needs were met without speaking them and there were no boundaries. Part of the maturation process for human beings is the realization that we are a separate person, with our own feelings and needs which are distinct from another person’s. But it is in a romantic/sexual relationship where an adult normally lowers their boundaries the most. Ideally, we allow a lover to see us clearly, both emotionally and physically. In the act of making love, we seek as much contact between us as is possible. The Bible actually refers to the sexual union within marriage as the two becoming one flesh. So when we enter therapy and those long dormant childhood needs and longings are stirred and awakened, we struggle to “fit” them somewhere. And the channel in which they flow most smoothly is in our sexual feelings. In other words, we are experiencing really intense, primitive longings from childhood and the closest thing we have to that as an adult is our sexual/romantic feelings. So we experience strong sexual feelings that ultimately, are really about what we wanted as children and didn’t get. It is this dynamic that is at the root of a client with a life-long heterosexual orientation to feel sexual attraction to a same gender therapist or a client with a homosexual orientation to feel attracted to an opposite gender therapist.

AG - I don't know how you feel about other people quoting your stuff. So, if it's not ok and you'd rather I just linked to it, just say and I'll remove the text.

I think you're right in your conclusion that you probably need to talk to him about how you are feeling. A good T is never horrified by clients' feelings, nor will a good T cross boundaries and act on those feelings. I understand that it's probably one of the most difficult things to bring up too. I had a hard time fessing up to my T that I really wanted her to look after me like she was my mum (Oh, how embarrassed I was to bring that into the room!)

I hope posting about how you are feeling has helped.

10/22/133:49 AM

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thatgirlMember

Oh my goodness, thank you Catalyst and Mallard for your lovely and sensible replies (and the welcome)!

I cried as I read that quote in the reply. It sort of put everything I am feeling into perspective and I feel really capable of talking to him about what I have been feeling lately.

Hope you are both doing well <3

10/22/138:31 PM

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