((((Armored Heart)))) All I can say is that it hurts until it stops hurting. You can't be rid of it until you are done with it. I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain.

I've found that I circle round and round these things, but in a spiral, and every time I pass by, I am further from the pain. It took me a very long time to recover from a situation with my first T - more than 20 years until I could completely put it behind me. I had to work it through in many layers and that took time.

Please be gentle with yourself.

-RT

AH, maybe you need some gentle self-care until you feel a bit more recovered again. It may be that the work you did was important and necessary, but that it also requires that you take it a little easy and take in some kindness and softness as you process.

((((AH))))

((((AH))))

Sending love and hugs. Pain sucks. Look for support wherever you can. The pain does end.

AH, Sending you warm thoughts and hoping you feel a bit better.
Rebuilding Me

((((RT, Jones, s-b, liese, RM))))

Thank you all so much for the support. I'm really struggling because I feel like I've hit the wall of realizing the true extent of *my* part in my interactions with old T. I feel like my anger over every little thing has been a thinly veiled attempt to run from my core pain, the deepest attachment wounds... not sure if I'm even making any sense. I just know anger has been a lot easier to access and identify than sadness. The sadness and longing is too overwhelming. Owning how much my history plays into my interactions feels brutal right now to face.

((RT)) Thank you for the advice and support, I hope to get further from the deepest pain each time around like you said. I hope I can learn from what you learned and use it to keep moving toward healing

((jones)) I think you have a good point that I need to do gentle processing in between the work. I feel like my logic is hard to access right now, and the emotions are in charge again, so that's usually a good indicator that my nerves are shot again

((s-b)) thank you for listening and being there for me

((liese)) sending love and hugs back, thank you for that

((rm)) thank you rm, it means a lot and I appreciate it

Hugs and support to you guys

Attachment wounds are hideously painful. It's the hurting of the most vulnerable little child part of a persons soul.


(((((AH))))))

Hold on to those around you who gently attend to those wounds, by listening and just being there for you. You are not alone anymore.

(((s-b))) that is for sure!! I am really thankful for so many people here who understand, and have helped me understand. Trying to make sense of it and explain it is almost as difficult as the pain itself

quote:

I'm really struggling because I feel like I've hit the wall of realizing the true extent of *my* part in my interactions with old T.

Be careful with this, OK AH? I don't know your situation with oldT, but remember that a relationship with a therapist is like a parent-child relationship. It is the therapist's (and parent's) responsibility to set boundaries, to protect, to encourage, to care. If things got out of control, in any direction, it was your T's job to reign things in and help you deal with it. Don't blame or shame yourself. It's not worth the pain that will cause you, just because T wasn't adequately doing his/her job.

I believe that when a client who has attachment trauma sees a T who doesn't have good boundaries, it is a recipe for disaster.

Gentle, gentle, gentle.

-RT

AH, RT is absolutely right. The boundaries are at all times the T's responsibility and it is their job to let us know what the boundaries are and make sure we comply. Yes, a trauma patient can be a difficult patient but that's because of what was done to them and how painful it is, not because there is something wrong with them or they woke up one morning and said "hey, I think I'll be hard to work with." But that's the part the T signs up for. You were supposed to bring in your feelings and be honest about them and you did that. Your T didn't hold up his end.

Years ago. I expressed my fear that I was trying to manipulate my T. He quite cheerfully told me I had every right to attempt to manipulate him, it was his job to make sure I didn't succeed. Don't take too much on yourself.

AG

(((draggers))) it does feel that way!! It is a process that requires so much patience and gentleness. Thank you for the support and reminders for self care, you are so kind draggers

(((RT))) you have a good point... it is hard for me when I'm so emotional to not slide into the territory of total self blame, I think it kind of serves a purpose of retaining a sense of control? You have wise advice...

(((AG))) I like what your T said thank you for the support too... I saw T today and we talked about me feeling 'safe' again, even though we've been doing some deep level processing I told her I realized I still don't trust her or feel safe, and then cried a lot... it was a pretty powerful moment to not trust her, yet still make the effort to be vulnerable enough to tell her that...