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Increasing anxiety around my T's return

A autumnMember
I am really struggling increasingly so with my absent ill T. She's been gone for a few weeks now and I hear through her secretary that she might return next week. I'm realizing that as the time is approaching I am feeling more and more panicked. My panic is coming from this overwhelming fear of being dropped by my T if I can't figure out how to safely discuss and discharge my overwhelming feelings (without si). I'm caught in a really really bad cycle of fear. I get panicky and feel that I can't talk to my T when she returns because I will be too overwhelmed so then I feel trapped because I need her help but feel like I will overwhelm her with my overwhelmed feelings and then she will tell me that she won't be able to work with me like my previous T told me. I did make the decision a week or two ago to not go in to see her when she returns but to e-mail her and maybe have some intial contact via e-mail. I am still thinking that this is a good idea even though it makes me very sad to think that I will not see her. It feels like this though will give us both protection - I'm needing the distance but I'm also needing her help so much. It makes me feel so sad and so badly. I can't remember hurting more. I want and need help and support but am so fearful that my needs will be too much for her that she will turn me away. I don't think that I'd be so fearful if she didn't have a chronic illness... which I assume can be set off by intense stress. I don't think that we are a good match now. I'm feeling like Ts with chronic illnesses don't need to be working with clients that have intense needs and clients with intense needs need not be working with Ts that have chronic illnesses. It just seems like a situation that can be potentially doomed for disaster. I don't think that I will ever be able to ever again talk with my T and not fear that I might stress her out too much and that she will need to drop me to preserve her own health. I am realizing that this is a profound loss for me. My life has revolved around my T and therapy. I don't know how to work through it with her without the fear of losing her. It's like the time for her return is approaching and I feel like I am dog peddling backwards... so fearful of the situation.

I guess if I can see any light in this situation it's that we have had a strong relationship and I feel that I can tell her exactly how I am feeling (particularly in writing). So I think via e-mail, we may be able to have a dialogue that hopefully will assist me in reducing my feelings of overwhelm and panic. I'm hoping as well that she might be able to tell me where she is coming from and the specific details around her availibility and limitations.

Thanks everyone for listening, supporting and bearing with me...I've been posting every week for a few weeks now. Its been very painful for me and now feels to be a bit of a saga.
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L lieseMember
((((AUTUMN))))

You are asking some very good questions about your suitability with T since she has a chronic illness. Maybe these things need to be addressed eventually. It sounds like she really cares about you and is committed to you so it wouldn't be a question of that.

Maybe you don't have to talk about it when you first get back. And using email might be good too although sometimes (oftentimes) things get misinterpreted via email.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

Liese
A autumnMember
Thanks Kansas and Liese,

The one thing that I can say is that I am moving and growing through this process. I've been realizing that my feelings have been snowballing and I'm trying to get a better handle on them. Feeling fearful of being abandoned is a horrible feeling to try to calm.

I've actually kept in contact with my T once a week since her absence - I send her weekly 'healing energy' e-mails, where I express get well wishes and update her as to ways that I have been taking care of myself. She replies by letting me know how she is coming along with her healing and tells me that she is pleased to hear of my self-care.

I realize that part of what is coming up for me is that even though I have been taking care of myself during this period, I have not been feeling 'well'. I feel like my T feels as though I am well and so I've been feeling anxious and deceitful on some level as a result. I think I have gotten confused around the semantics of 'being well' 'keeping well' and 'feeling well'. They are all a bit mixed up to me and my T believes that I am 'keeping well', which somehow to me does not feel like wellness given that I hurt so much around her absence.

So one suggestion that has come up from my T's colleague (who has been provding with an immense amount of support), is she's suggested on numerous occassions that I simply write to T and share with her some of my feelings. I thought that I would never do that given that I felt that it would be such an invasion on my T's personal life and healing time. My colleague and my T are in regular contact, so I have decided to trust the colleague and her perception that it would be an appropriate thing for me to do. So this morning, I drafted a brief e-mail and sent it off to her. I didn't want it to be too intense or too long so I was able to essentially tell her that although I have been taking care of myself, her absence has been really painful and very difficult for me and that I am feeling a lot of anxiety around her returning. I addressed a comment that T had made in one of her e-mails...indirectly expressing some concern that I'd drop her. I assured her that that was not the case but that I'd need to slowly transition back into therapy and would like to talk about it more once she returns to the office. My T has responded briefly to my e-mail, essentially saying that she's received it and has appreciated my honesty but has a busy day and will get back to me when she's freed up a bit. I imagine that I'll probably feel more centered and a bit calmed once I hear from her again. I feel pretty good about sending the e-mail though and think that it might (hopefully) be the first step towards working my way back into therapy.
L lieseMember
((((AUTUMN)))))

As difficult as this has all been for you, you are approaching it with a great sense of responsibility to yourself while still acknowledging the potential for uncertainty.


The thing that I am coming to realize in my own work and what I see you coming to terms with is that sometimes in order to be true to ourselves, we have to deal with a little uncertainty. I know in the past I'd rather have the sure thing even if it wasn't good for me than to acknowledge how something might not be meeting my needs.

As hard as the break has been, there has been some real growth in you.

HUGS,

Liese

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