I am really struggling increasingly so with my absent ill T. She's been gone for a few weeks now and I hear through her secretary that she might return next week. I'm realizing that as the time is approaching I am feeling more and more panicked. My panic is coming from this overwhelming fear of being dropped by my T if I can't figure out how to safely discuss and discharge my overwhelming feelings (without si). I'm caught in a really really bad cycle of fear. I get panicky and feel that I can't talk to my T when she returns because I will be too overwhelmed so then I feel trapped because I need her help but feel like I will overwhelm her with my overwhelmed feelings and then she will tell me that she won't be able to work with me like my previous T told me. I did make the decision a week or two ago to not go in to see her when she returns but to e-mail her and maybe have some intial contact via e-mail. I am still thinking that this is a good idea even though it makes me very sad to think that I will not see her. It feels like this though will give us both protection - I'm needing the distance but I'm also needing her help so much. It makes me feel so sad and so badly. I can't remember hurting more. I want and need help and support but am so fearful that my needs will be too much for her that she will turn me away. I don't think that I'd be so fearful if she didn't have a chronic illness... which I assume can be set off by intense stress. I don't think that we are a good match now. I'm feeling like Ts with chronic illnesses don't need to be working with clients that have intense needs and clients with intense needs need not be working with Ts that have chronic illnesses. It just seems like a situation that can be potentially doomed for disaster. I don't think that I will ever be able to ever again talk with my T and not fear that I might stress her out too much and that she will need to drop me to preserve her own health. I am realizing that this is a profound loss for me. My life has revolved around my T and therapy. I don't know how to work through it with her without the fear of losing her. It's like the time for her return is approaching and I feel like I am dog peddling backwards... so fearful of the situation.

I guess if I can see any light in this situation it's that we have had a strong relationship and I feel that I can tell her exactly how I am feeling (particularly in writing). So I think via e-mail, we may be able to have a dialogue that hopefully will assist me in reducing my feelings of overwhelm and panic. I'm hoping as well that she might be able to tell me where she is coming from and the specific details around her availibility and limitations.

Thanks everyone for listening, supporting and bearing with me...I've been posting every week for a few weeks now. Its been very painful for me and now feels to be a bit of a saga.