Kmay I wish I had more understanding and experience of attachment stuff to be able to tell you SOMETHING reassuring and comforting, but whatever I say would be just what I've heard from others or read about. So I'm hoping one of those people will answer you more fully soon.

I can feel your pain and confusion and I'm really sorry that therapy feels like such a torture at the moment. I can relate to your sense of T possibly overstepping boundaries and that's putting a lot of responsibility onto you to monitor it all. I have to say that if I were in your position, I'd be grateful for all the goodies too and wouldn't want them to stop, and also that of course, they are NEVER ENOUGH. Not from a T anyway who is time limited even with all the extra contact.

I know the usual advice is to keep talking to her about it, which is what I would try to do in your place, but also know that if you are feeling like she isn't holding the boundaries properly and could actually be hurting you then you're not going to be able to trust her to be thinking of your best interests, and so talking about how you feel is an even bigger risk than ever.

Great I've not said anything remotely useful or reassuring here have I? Sorry about that. So instead of wittering on with useless comments I'll just send you some BIG hugs of support and let you know you've being listened to

LL

kmay, I think I probably said something similar the first time you posted but I will say something even more emphatic now.

I don't think your T is doing her job correctly. In order to be effective, she needs to teach you how to heal from the past and how to give your own inner child the nurturing she needs, instead of giving the child what it wants but never enough of it. What she is doing will keep that inner child focused outside of you, on your T and getting more and more from her, instead of grieving losses and getting the rest of what she needs from the grown-up part of you. Yes, grieving is painful, but it shouldn't go on and on like this is doing. If you two were processing correctly you could work for an hour and then put the rest away until next time.

Others may disagree with me, but that is my opinion.

I looked at this post a while ago and went away and thought about it. kmay, I think your T is not doing the right thing by you and possibly has lost her objectivity/boundaries. You shouldn't even have to be thinking all this stuff - your T has stepped over the line too far and it is causing you distress.

You are an adult now and you had a crap childhood. That is a given, they are the facts. No body can go back and give that little girl what she never received. Your T cannot heal your past by being the parent you never had - the moment she thinks she can do that, I question her motives and ethics.

You have probably anticipated what people might say - go find another T - one who can have a therapeutic and healing relationship with you and can help you heal and grieve properly. But you have said you can't go to another T. So the next thing is that you have to bring up all the painful stuff and talk to T about it and "tell" her she needs to get back to a more healthier and boundaried mode of practice as her current mode is unhelpful. If she doesn't realise this or do that - then you have to decide what to do. If your T won't change then you are left with a nice T but it will be untherapeutic in the long term.

Again - you should never have been put into this position. There is a lot written on dual-relationships, i had to research it again recently. There are code of ethics that have rules for dual relationships in all type of counselling genres - Your T should be aware of all these. I don't think what she is doing is in your best interests. I am not sure where she is a T and where she is a family friend. And I don't think she knows either.

It is a really tough position for you to be in. I am really sorry that you are in this predicament.
Somedays

Hi kmay,

I can really relate to the feeling of being so attached to a T you think you cannot end the relationship or start over with someone else. And you have invested so many years and so much trust in letting her really get to know you. She does sound like she genuinely cares and is a well meaning person-- that is not a bad foundation, for sure. People grow (and ideally, can thrive!) in relationship with a caring, supportive other.

However, I agree with the others that the way she is doing therapy does not seem to be helping you at the moment. I don't think it's a bad thing for a T to be nurturing. . . but maybe you feel she is infantilizing you? I wonder if it would be possible to stay in the relationship but change the dynamics. Your T should be open to hearing from you about something that isn't working and should be willing to adapt.

Maybe you could say that you feel your inner child is kind of taking over your therapy and you'd like to focus more on strengthening your adult self? Ask if she can relate to you more for awhile on that level, and see how it goes?

Just some thoughts. I hope things get better for you soon.

Friends - Thank you very much for you responses. I deleted my initial post...just b/c of my own issues.
But thank you very much for reading and responding.

quote:

Great I've not said anything remotely useful or reassuring here have I? Sorry about that. So instead of wittering on with useless comments I'll just send you some BIG hugs of support and let you know you've being listened to

LL - That brought a big smile to my face and gavee me a giggle, which is always extremely helpful. So Thank you,

Somedays - I am going to look up dual relationships a bit.
Yes, I feel I need to talk to her about it. I am absolutley terrified though.

HIC - Thank you. Yes, I agree with everything you said. Now its just actually getting up the courage to talk to her about it....