Hi emogirl.

I can only try to imagine what 8 years of a relationship mixed up with transference feelings is like. I had 6 months of it and I'm still reeling from the shock of things finishing. The real positive in this (i'm sure it's hard for you to see one right now) is that you said that you're T handled your revelation gentle and professionally. Once your T has strong boundaries and handles the transference well then hopefully you can now work on this transference and stop it from distracting from your other work in therapy if it is doing so.

It's so hard to hear you say that you self-harmed. It's very brave and clever of you to come to the realization that it was probably to get your T's attention. I have such feelings most days. I feel awful for feeling the way I do but, like you, I'm beginning to think my longing for suffering in my own life is to gain attention from others. It makes me feel pathetic. Particularly because I don't go through with things and that makes me feel much much worse. My T saw that I was going this way, hence my reference in other posts about how it didn't matter how much he indulged me, it would only make it worse.

My relationship with self-harm is a strange one. Not that there is a normal one! But I feel incredibly weak and annoyed at myself for not going further when I feel like self harming. Those feelings are still there though, they can crop up at any time- a few weeks ago I was having fun with a few friends (or so I thought, I think I wanted to escape really) and all of a sudden just got up, went to the kitchen, picked up something and hid in the bathroom like a naughty girl...I didn't want anyone to know or see. The thought of doing it made me feel excited, better even. It was a surreal moment.

I mean I presume a lot of this is to do with trust and care. You want to make sure you can rely on your T, that he will save you if needs be. That he won't ever abondon you and that he will always care deeply about what happens to you. They are all such natural thought and feelings. And yet, if you are like me, we end up feeling guilty about having them.

I'm sure your T will not be happy but because he cares about you so much. I remember watching an episode of "In Treatment" with Gabriel Byrne and he tells his young patient that he will not work with her under the threat of self harm. She either promised to stop or he would not treat her. It was such a heartbreaking moment-so tender, full of love and care. I'm sure that's what your T feels for you too.

I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. I think about my ex-T every day. I feel like I will spend the rest of my life wishing I could tell him what was happening with me. I miss him so much.

Best of luck with your appointment. I'm sure your T will help you through this.

Mrs. P

Thanks for your replies, Mrs. P and HB. I had a good appt with my P. As expected, he was worried that I had SI'd and we explored that. He does care about me and I need to believe that he will be there for me no matter what--I don't have to create an emergency for him to respond to my need to have contact. It's soooo hard sometimes. I have been rejected so much in my life that feeling rejection is so automatic even if it's just in my mind. He is going to see me again this week which is an extra appt. I am happy about that.

emogirl