(((Cat)))

I can relate... I actually had to stop calling my mom because I know she always makes things worse. I long to have parents that I could call, but I don't and it sucks.

Is there anyone else you can call? Or is there someone you can text and ask them to call you when they get a chance? It's hard being so fiercely independent sometimes, and even though I don't know what's going on for you at the moment, I know how it feels when you just wish "they" could be there to help.

Keep reaching out. Eventually you'll find the right people to reach out to but until then, don't give up on taking care of meeting your needs!

(((Cat)))

Hi Cat... I don't know why you got so scared and I wish I could help somehow to make you less scared. Can you talk about it with us here?

You keep calling your parents because they are SUPPOSED to be consistent, reliable, helpful, attachment figures. But they are not. But just because they are not does not mean that we (all of us) won't keep trying to make them into what they should have always been for us. And when we can't change/fix our parents (for example, if they are dead like mine are) we try this with other people.... hence, repetition compulsion.

Hope dies hard when it comes to giving up on our attachment figures/caretakers. That is something that is biologically hardwired into us so don't beat yourself up. You did something very normal and with proper parents the outcome would have been what you needed.

I'm so sorry your mom was trashed and made everything worse.


TN

i ended up calling the emergency people for where i live but was really freaked out i was going to get in trouble (for calling or for somehow causing this problem). i had to do something a little unnerving to fix it, well it's not fixed, but to be cautious). i feel so much better right now, calm. i cried with the maintenance guy on the phone, then cried with a friend, now i'm very tired.


((R2G)) how did you get to the point you could stop calling her? it's like... i stop thinking entirely. i'm just so tired of people being in my living space. i did call a 4 people before i did something about the problem, then 1 person after. everyone had their own thoughts/opinions and i just wasn't feeling safe with anything. thankfully i did have someone i could calm down with after but during i was just... ugh. i'm not independent when it comes to this kind of stuff i'm so helpless - at one point on the phone with the maintenance guy while he was walking me through something while i cried i said rather pathetically "sorry, i'm a girl i just don't get this stuff" i did NOT have my brave face on. thank you of being here.

((TN)) it's okay now, it would have been too embarrassing to go in to because i don't think other people would get as freaked out as me but i don't deal well with fire. last weekend it was water, this weekend fire - next weekend the wind will probably blow a window out (or I'll get a wind/earth 2 for 1 and the wind will blow a tree in to my house). i wish they were consistent and reliable - i have no idea how i still have that wiring to call when they've NEVER BEEN consistent and reliable. biological drives are... crazy. i didn't realize how animal (primitive) it is. i do understand how repetition compulsion happens. it was freaky to be able to observe but not change anything i was doing. hope dies hard is a good expression, it really does... thank you for being here.

for you, Cat

I definitely don't have that automatic response, but I can understand how distressing it could be. Just wanted to send warm thoughts and hugs for all the stress.

((yaku)) thanks for the support! i think i have that response instinctively because of design and conditioning. truthfully, i think i just make poor decisions sometimes... lots of times...when something is wrong with my house. thanks for being here!

To be honest, it was really hard to not call my mom when I needed to talk to a mom. I still do struggle with it, but I'm only sucked into the chaos for a few minutes and it doesn't derail me for days like it used to.

There is a saying that I've been told that helped me a lot.

"We don't go to the hardware store looking for bread."

That's what I do each time I call my mom or dad when I need any kind of support. It's like walking into the hardware store and asking to buy a loaf of bread. I'm asking for something the hardware store just doesn't carry (unless it's Lowes or HD!) That's the same thing as calling my parents. I'm asking them to give me something they don't have. It isn't personal. They aren't doing it to me on purpose. They just don't stock the products I need.

Now, when I do find myself calling my mom for something, within two minutes of the conversation, I'm reminded of that phrase, and I change my purpose of the phone call. Instead of an "I need something from you mom" call, it becomes a "Just wanted to say hi mom" call. I know that when I call her or my dad to say hi, they really appreciate it. So in my mind, while I might have dialed the number in search of support, I end the call knowing instead, I made them happy, and am more able to continue dialing others for support.

Don't know if that makes sense or helps, and I will say it took me a looonnnnnggggg time to come to this place of understanding, but it has helped a lot.

(((Cat)))

((R2G)) I've heard that hardware store story before, I think in DBT! IT does make sense, I'm really impressed at the way you turn the conversation around... I need to try that. The problem with my Mom when she is drinking she gets very talkative and a little hostile if I try to break contact. So I need to stop myself before I call in the first place. It's hard when I'm freaking out I know it took you a long time but it's inspiring to hear that you've gotten to the point you have. I want to be there, too!