)and I've been doing a lot of grieving.
I was really scared going in this morning because I was really confused and have been fighting a lot of self-condemnation. When the unprocessed emotions from my childhood come up they bring along with them a lot of bad messages. I was totally convinced that my T was completely fed up with me, and really annoyed. Honestly, I thought everyone here was tired of hearing it too and just wished I would go away. But I was pretty sure that was just in my head.
I told my T I was scared and confused and had so many emotions running through that I couldn't make sense of it. He told me that I didn't have to make sense of it on my own. I started talking about how I was feeling and realized that an awful lot was going on. Asking for the hug really kicked up a lot.
The session when I asked was very intimate and I saw this incredible compassion and pain in my T because of having to tell me no. I KNOW my T cares but I am often so activated that I don't take in his emotional state so it was very powerful and comforting to see that. But it also really scared me on another level. Getting that close and experiencing that level of intimacy scares me because I don't trust him to stay and the closer I get the more the stakes go up on how much its going to hurt. I told my T about that, then we started talking about how I felt when I heard the no.
It took a little while but I eventually got to expressing that it really hurt, I was once again, alone without what I needed. I talked about how awful it felt when I slammed into the boundaries. That seeing him for one hour, then being told to go away for a week made me feel like when I was a child and had to deal with these overwhelming feelings with no help.
He was totally understanding and stayed right with me as all this came out. When he reacted that way, then the grief wells up that I experienced something so different with my parents. I didn't realize what I lost until I found what I needed with my T. And our relationship is what has allowed me to deal with those feelings. I spent a lot of the session really sobbing and my T held me with words, talking to let me know he was there, and helping me sort it out. He also spent a lot of time reassuring me that he was NOT going anywhere, that there was nothing I could do that would make him send me away. That he recognized how strong the feelings were, but that they were only feelings and the reality is that I am safe with him and in his office. He also made it very clear that he felt like I was doing a good job respecting the boundaries, that I was not even close to abusing calling him between sessions and how it important it was that I was able to connect when I needed to. That it was an important part of the healing. And that he's not at all frustrated with me, that I'm working hard and that the grieving and intensity make a lot of sense, that grieving is what I need to do to heal.
I am so unbelieveably grateful for that man. It is such an incredible gift to have someone stay with you through that kind of chaos and pain; to understand you through it and then help you to make sense of it. And he went straight to the heart of all my fears and gave me such clear, unequivocal reassurance. He said everything I wanted and needed to hear (ok, except for the part where I never have to leave his office.
) I'm also really grateful that I can express ALL my feelings about the boundaries and he NEVER gets defensive. I have no idea how he manages that all the time, but I'm really grateful he does. So I'm feeling so much better. Letting the feelings out and having them witnessed has relieved a lot of the internal pressure and quieted all the terrible tapes. That was a long two weeks, I'm glad they're over. But I'm also glad that I can do this work with him, it feels like I'm going really deep, deeper than I've ever gone before. And its experiencing what I did today that is really healing me.
I feel safe and secure and connected. I know it won't last, but I'm planning on enjoying it thoroughly until it goes. And I heard my T loud and clear that when it gets scary again, when it feels like he's going away, I can call.
Which is good because he also told me he's about to become a grandfather again so he'll be going out of town sometime in the next couple of weeks so my next appt is tentative. Which probably means it won't be long before I'm whimpering in a corner again.
Thanks for listening, its good to know they're are people who know how really significant this is. AG
) I think that is a dynamic to this environment. So it is all good and no one wishes away anyone else. It is a familiar place where I go too often and for me it’s called feeling alone and right in there with abandonment and rejection. I have felt that way here too, but again we just bump into ourselves and that is inevitable, but we can learn from it. And again, I am saying this for as much my sake as yours or anyone else’s. But I want you to feel ok AG, because you are ok and accepted here, but at the same time I am trying to convince myself that I am too.