hi (((longroad)))

i think you're incredibly brave looking at the ACOA stuff.

My mother (and main abuser) was an alcoholic also. she died suddenly when i was 10, due to her drinking and drug problem.

I have never been brave enough to look up a lot about ACOA stuff. Im sure I could relate to it - but for me, so far, its been too traumatizing to 'go there'. I think also, part of that is due to that alcohol was so dominant in my early life - every single aspect of my life was controlled or happened as a result of alcoholism. Alcohol turned my mother into an abusive person, who manipulated and hurt me in ways i can't describe. It also killed her. She DIED drinking a drink I had poured for her.

What alcoholism did to me growing up - the effects it has on children, is that our world is so completely unpredictable. My mother died when i was 10 - i had not reached the maturity to be able to link her drinking to her bad behavior. I had not learned that when she drank, she was abusive. to me, it occurred anywhere, anytime.

I knew alcohol caused her to steal; it caused her to go to jail for a day, and she had to do probation. i knew it was the cause of many arguments and talk of divorce in our household. I knew it was something she hid (she would hide the bottles all over the house - including my bedroom) and i know that when dad found them, he would make my sister and i come see what our shameful mother had been up to.

I have read just enough of some of the effects alcoholism has on a child growing up with it - and they are long lasting and severe.

sage (((hugs))) if ok LR. i hope you can be kind to yourself and process the huge range of emotions it brings up for you, one wee bit at a time.

and you're very brave to be able to start doing so - just admitting and acknowledging alcoholism Is in the family is huge - i think i remember the mantra for kids growing up with alcoholism being 'don't talk, don't feel' - and certainly do NOT talky about the drinking - deny deny deny.

Hi EJ,

Thank you for your kind words. I don't know if I'm brave or just desperate to feel better. It has been over 20yrs now that I've wrestled with depression and Complex PTSD. I'm so very sick of feeling bad. I hate how I feel. I'm sorry about what you had to deal with with your mother. I'm sure must have been terrible. I hope we can both find a way to make it to the other side. We were both abused. We both deserved better.

LongRoad

we can (((LR))).

I managed to have over a decade of so called normalcy where I was able to live a pretty much happy and contented life. The earthquakes rocking my city triggers up the trauma and terror again. I've worked through my pain and loss and trauma once, I am sometimes confident I can do it again.

It just takes time. And the right people around you who believe in you and support you, and for whom you feel supported BY.

I did have a drinking problem and did go to AA meetings for many years ( I no longer do, due to moving cities and the culture of the local meetings). I also went to Al-Anon a few times - is that something you have considered doing? Al-Anon is about YOU, not the drinker in your life. It gives you a set of good coping skills and support so YOU can cope with and deal with the effects of someone else's drinking. You don't have to be around the drinker to go to Al-Anon. It recognizes that even years after the alcoholic / drinker is dead, the effects can be devastating on someone so they work with you on that for YOU.

Just an idea. If and when you might ever wish to.

(((lR))) I'm glad you were able to talk to your T and sorry it was so intense - it sounds like you two worked so well on allowing expression and some calming before you left. Yes? There is an ACOA part of the forum you may want to check for old threads, I haven't been there in a bit! It's interesting to learn about that stuff. When I've been in the hospital before we would have the option to go to AA groups (or various substance abuse groups - I went to them all). I don't have a substance abuse problem (unless you count an eating disorder which some do since the substance is food) but I was able to learn so much about myself. I was also inspired by the people getting help because it is my greatest wish for both of my parents. I'm so thankful you were able to express the sense of wrongness you experienced - I'm not usually there. Take gentle care.

Hi Everyone,

Catalyst: Thank you. I will take a look through the ACOA posts here.

Draggers: It's nice to know I'm not alone and that I have someone here who can relate on several layers. Thank you!

LongRoad

Hi EJ,

Thank you for sharing that with me. I haven't at this point considered going to an Al-Anon meeting but thank you for suggesting it. It's good to know it's there as a possible form of support. Have a great day.

LongRoad