Yaku,

Good luck with the session. I think it is great that T is wanting to get to know more about the parts. The only suggestion that I have is that if T asks something and you hear any internal "warnings" to make sure to stop and share that with T rather than pushing yourself or another part to talk about whatever it is that triggered the warning. It is important to listen to those warnings to avoid opening up too much too soon. I think starting with a basic mapping (if you haven't done so already) would be a good place to begin.

Keep us posted how it goes!

Good luck with the session, Yaku. Take your T at his word and don't put pressure on yourself if either nothing 'happens' or you or any of your parts don't want to open up yet. Your T sounds like he is handling all of this really well and is being very supportive and validating. It also sounds like you've taken a lot of braves leaps lately.

It's completely understandable why you'd be so scared but really brave of you to go ahead. Update when you can! ((hugs))

Hi Yaku
Just wanted to add my good luck for Tuesday for you, slowly does it. What you are doing is incredibly brave and courageous and your T sounds like he is going that extra mile for you
Be thinking of you on Tuesday

Just wanted to say thanks so much for the support, you guys. I definitely plan on taking it slow, not pushing anything. I know my T feels the same way.

good luck, Yaku! I hope it is peaceful and connected and not angsty...

BB

Good luck tomorrow Yaku! We'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes!

Yaku,
It sounds like you and your T are concentrating on getting you grounded and contained so that you're safe, which is really important. I hope things go really well tomorrow. I will be praying, especially for wisdom and discernment for both you and your T.

I think STRM and Draggers gave really good advice on how to proceed.

AG

yaku,

Good luck with your session today.

Absolutely go as slow as you want. I agee 'interviewing' can be a difficult word - it would be for me - pehaps instead simply think about it as a getting to know the different parts. That will take time for both you, him and them .....just like it does in any relationship. I guess you will always have some anxieties about this - you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable in letting the parts be heard, but in the long-term yaku I think it might help enormously.

(((((((((((((yaku)))))))))))

starfish

Thinking of you!

Thanks, you guys, so much. Still waiting for confirmation on the exact time I'm going in tonight. Family stuff making me crazy, but glad things with T are feeling more safe for me.

Edit: 8:00 to 10:00 pm tonight. Before I received that info, a little one was like a puppy about to be let off a leash, trying to get to T. After, CT's (caretaker) protective, yet abusive, vigilance took over.

Thanks again for all the support. Here is my update.

T texted me and let me know his 7:00 pm cancelled and asked if we could do 7:15. We ended up started more like 7:25. When I first got there, I reminded him about the release form I need to sign so he and my pastor can coordinate on support/safety stuff and also for when I see the pdoc in August. He put their numbers in his phone. Then, he asked if I wanted to do the interviewing thing. I asked if he had read my last journal entry (which is 1.5 weeks ago, but we found out Friday that it had gone into his SPAM). He still hadn't gotten to it, so I had him read the summary on my phone, because there were some things on there I needed to make it feel more safe.

He addressed some of my questions about his experience with DID (a lot more than I thought from what he previously said, but mostly with one client). I was looking more for him to normalize my experiences, but after hearing his work with past client(s) and currently having others referred to him for being pretty much the only Christian therapist with practical experience in the area, I'm not really worried about that anymore. He let me know what to expect when he interacts with different parts...like play therapy, art therapy. He does have, it seems, a pretty solid boundary when it comes to physical contact, but I blanked out hard when he was explaining it and don't remember what he said. That is good for the parts that are scared, but really hard for Little Yaku who wants a hug so badly. I don't think she heard that part, because she was trying to ask for it later in the session, but thankfully it didn't get through.

In response to my wanting him to tell my CT that he would be safe, he said it is more important to learn from the experience of him being safe and that we should take it as slow as feels right to get there. He wanted to talk to Little Yaku, because she is the one who most tries to get to him, but gets pushed back by CT and the teens. CT wouldn't allow it, so he talked to that part for a while. I was able to "interpret" I guess, but not say anything directly. I let him know how the April "moving away" incident damaged CT's confidence in him dealing with the kids. He talked boundaries a bit more here and I explained that the concern was less about what the boundaries are and more about him making sudden changes that would panic anyone. He said that was a really good, important thing to identify.

The room was so bright and someone kept complaining, so when I finally voiced that, he was willing to turn off all the overhead lights and use a lamp nearby my side and that was SO much better. I will have him do that every time if I can.

He tried to talk to Little Yaku again, but others kept interfering. I did a lot of telling him what I was hearing, indirectly, and then somewhere half-way through, was able to say what they were saying with very minor time delays, sometimes it just came out before I even "heard" the thought. A lot of cursing on the part of a "big brother" in there, which he has almost never heard me do until last Friday and today. He seemed to appreciate that part's protective function, if not the way things end up getting done, so there was some relaxation there.

Another part that causes me a lot of unsafety was out for a while, just lonely and sad. T was very tender with her, telling her she wasn't alone. He said something sweet that I can't remember at all, because it made her feel so comforted (and sad at the same time, because she felt that she couldn't "keep" it) and then the "big brother" part stepped in to regulate that and I forgot whatever it was that was so kind.

We started wrapping up at 9:30 and T asked if there was anything we could do to wrap things up as cleanly as possible. Little Yaku still never had a chance, but the CT and Big Brother parts, now willing to let that happen, were both concerned there wasn't enough time. T prayed and in his prayer mentioned the Good Shepherd tending His sheep (he talks about this a lot lately) and the little one giggled (externally), because she had brought a wolf (stuffed animal we got at the zoo Friday) and she thought it was funny that he was talking about sheep.

I went out on a limb and told him why there was laughter and he asked to see it and said that since we started early (and spent time on administrative stuff), it was OK to take a bit of extra time. He checked out the wolf and admired it and even talked to it, telling it to watch over us. He even told Little Yaku that Wolfie wasn't going to close his eyes all night long, but would be watching and protecting us like a good guard wolf. I told him about the giant monkey the little one had us get at the zoo, because he mentioned loving monkeys and he asked if we could send a photo. All the interactions there were just her peaking out slightly, not really direct communication yet, because I am too embarrassed to let down the filter and she's not as assertive as the protective parts.

We talked about some stressful things coming up in my week and I started shaking, so he prayed over me again and I felt much better. I left grounded, but a bit dissociated, feeling out of my body, worn out and a little upset, but not overwhelmed. I was there a little over two hours after we finished the administrative stuff and I feel like I remember only half of it. My eyes were all red, but I barely cried. I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything weird and not remember it, but I also don't feel like I was fully there for a lot of it. Like, I was only there enough to regulate nothing bad happening, but not enough to record the details of what was said and thought and felt. Just a general sense of where the conversation went and my internal reactions (like constant invalidation and confusion about the reality of what was happening to me and whether I was making it all up--funny to have a "voice" tell you that you're "making the whole experience up.").

I wanted to journal a bit tonight, but I think this post is the best I am going to do as I am so tired, I don't think I can make it five more minutes. Anyway, thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

Thanks, BG. I appreciate the support from you, and everyone, none-the-less.


Feeling a bit ridiculous, so hopefully that previous post survives my next PAD attack.

Thanks for sharing your session, Yaku. It sounds like your T really handled everything well and you were very brave making yourself and everyone inside more vulnerable than ever. It seems like you're making some real progress. Hugs to you.

Thanks for sharing your session Yaku...it sounds like T is meeting you where you are at, which is exactly what he should be doing.

Here is a link you may find helpful, I personally find this website for people who suffer with DID and trauma, really inspiring and beautiful:

http://www.manyvoicespress.org/

hugs,

BB

Yaku,

It sounds like you had a really good session and you and your T connected really well. Thanks for sharing!

(((((YAKU)))))

Sorry if I missed this or it was just assumed but did your T actually diagnose you with DID? Or is he just working with your different emotional parts?

Glad to hear you are feeling safer.

Liese

(((kashley))) (((BB))) (((STRM))) (((Liese)))

Thanks for the support.

Liese - yeah, it kind of leaked out in various posts, so I never made an exact announcement. I am considering it like a working or potential diagnosis since he said "sounds like...probably..." and such statements about a month ago, but he seems pretty certain about it. He is certain enough that he is telling my H to get educated about it right now, but he isn't countering my self-invalidation other than to say that I do a lot of that kind of thing and whatever the case ends up being is fine. If I say, "Nope, I don't think it's true," he won't insist, I don't think.

I finally asked him last Friday how long he had considered it and he said he noticed (intuitively) a lot of things that made him suspect it in the first month (which was three sessions in). He asked me a few questions about time loss, but the examples he gave made me think it had to be very extreme/noticable stuff. Also, I wasn't willing/ready to admit the stuff I had noticed and hadn't noticed it actually happens to me in minor ways (my blanking/freezing in therapy and driving experiences) quite frequently.

He put aside that idea when I said I didn't have much in the way of time loss. Then after I reported having more dissociative experiences just before I joined the forum, he just kind of observed for a while, I guess. Stuff got more obvious to him again about three months ago, but he still waited a couple of months, until I was starting to actually talk in terms of experiencing my different parts, to bring it up to me. I think he has tried to be very careful not to lead me anywhere in that way.

So, now that's what we're working with, but understanding that if it doesn't end up making sense down the line, we can re-evaluate. It is kind of weird that he "saw" things I was so sure were well hidden (some things I was hiding for myself).

Anyway, my reason for not posting much about my diagnosis here is having a semi-related freak out a few weeks ago and heavy, constant doses of internal accusations that it is all a big lie, make believe, etc. I was afraid of having that message reinforced if I shared it on the OF (sorry, probably an ungenerous projection).

Yaku,

Thank you for sharing that - it sounds like you had an amazingly productive session. I am really glad that T was able to listen to so many parts so sensitively and that they were able to speak to him, even if it was with you as the 'interpreter'.

And I am glad

quote:

he isn't countering my self-invalidation other than to say that I do a lot of that kind of thing and whatever the case ends up being is fine. If I say, "Nope, I don't think it's true," he won't insist, I don't think.

That is so important. You have to feel comfortable with yourself and learn to come to terms with what is happening for you before there will be any acceptance of a diagnosis. The diagnosis right now isn't so important as his behaviour and response which seem to be pretty spot on.

Thank you for being brave enoughh to share this with us yaku. I hope you can feel confident of receiving acceptance and support.

starfishy

((((YAKU)))))

Thank you for clarifying. Sorry if my question was too blunt. I often feel as though I miss things on the forum and so just assumed you had announced it and once again, I missed it. You sound at peace with it, whatever it is. Even if it's not DID, is it possible that you have these terribly traumatized emotional parts? Even with DID, you would probably have 2 or more normal personalities and then various emotional parts? Has your H ever noticed anything?

Liese

Thanks, starfish! (((hugs))) The acceptance helps heaps.

Liese - I think my H just called all my different ways of being mood swings, LOL. And he called my extreme blanking "zoning out" just like I was. Apparently, it's common for DID people to be misdiagnosed for years (I think the average is seven) before even professionals notice it...so I lucked out in getting a T who has worked with it before purely by chance. The only reason I even met T is that our old pastor referred H to a P who was too expensive for us, who in turn referred him to our T for his issues.

Yes, you can have different parts and not be DID. I could be CPTSD or BPD with extra helpings of dissociation or DDNOS, just shy of DID. Having done intensive reading on it since the "potential" diagnosis, I am seeing things that fit going back to early high school, even late middle school...in addition to the obvious memory problems about my childhood. DID itself seems to be a spectrum, so it's likely I am just on the lower end. It's also possible for me to have the above diagnoses and DID at the same time, but I haven't talked to T about that.

Edit: As you seem to be saying, one distinguishing characteristics is having multiple ANPs with their own EPs. I'm not sure how exactly to classify them, but I feel pretty certain I have more than one ANP.

Oh yeah, Yaku, that was my understand that the distinguishing feature between CPTSD and DID is that in DID you would have 2 or more normal personalities and emotional parts, while with CPTSD you would only have 1 normal personalities and various emotional parts. Well, Yaku, once a solid diagnosis is made, then your treatment can really begin to be helpful, I would suspect. It is what it is. We are who we are. We have to love ourselves regardless. Or at least it's better if we try to love ourselves regardless of our diagnosis. We are no better or no worse. We just are who we are. You actually do sound so much better and at peace.

Liese

Thanks. I am feeling much better, because I am able to share with T much more easily when there is conflict, rather than there being some internal dogpile freezing my communications.

Hi there Yaku, here's a (very) belated welcome back to the forum, good to see you posting again.

Also wanted to say that you sound so much more peaceful and accepting of things especially with your therapy, and it's great to hear how you and T are working together on your set up. It must be a bit of a relief to have something concrete to describe what's going on in you?

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and well done you for hanging in there and coming this far.

LL

Thanks, LL, for the welcome back and the encouragement. Glad it's not just me feeling like I'm doing better.

Monte - Thanks for the relating. Don't worry about calling it intriguing. My OO (Objective Observer, who is kind of like Spock or Data...choose your preferred Star Trek) thinks it's "fascinating." Sometimes I'm scared as hell about the idea and sometimes I just find it so interesting to uncover how the mind "works." I think that has always been the case, though. Makes me want to take a psychology class just for fun.

Thanks for the support, DF! (((hugs)))

Yaku,

Any word on your session for this coming week with the holiday falling on Monday?

Thanks for asking, STRM. He texted back that he probably can't see H for as he won't be there on Monday, but I will see him on Tue. Feel like that's unfair to H, though, who only sees him every other week as it is. Like prioritizing one kid or the other. I know it's in reality just about what is best for everyone, including my family (who needs me to be stable)...but it feels yucky. One of the drawbacks of sharing a T. About to do my phone session, but T is delaying the start to get caught up on my journaling.

Yaku,

I too am reading your story, and I am so touched that you are sharing it with us.

It is wonderful to hear how gently your T is holding you.

He is a Christian Counselor? Is that correct? Wow, we don't seem to have Christian Counselors around here.

Like everyone has said, take things slowly, and let your story unfold gently. Use your parts for the purposes they were created, and with a loving supportative T, the truth will be revealed, and you will heal.

All the best on your journey.

Mayo

(((Mayo))) Thanks for the support. Yes, my therapist is a PhD, MFT, who works from a Christian perspective. Just have to make it until Tuesday night. I feel like I'm transition from the, "I need to see him ASAP" feelings to the "I never want to see him again; this is too hard!" feelings right now. Sigh.

Yaku,

Not too much longer until Tuesday. I know this transition place you speak of well. I converted about mid-week myself so I can relate.

I hope the remaining time passes quickly and your session goes well!

Thanks, STRM. Not much longer for you either. I hope your session goes well too and you're able to connect.

My main hope is that the kids don't end up pushing to stay long, because it is probably going to be a 9:00 pm session and T said (an hour or maybe an hour and 15 minutes). He made some sort of analogy to taking Boo the park and how I will sometimes have to take the kids home before they want to leave and his understanding that it is uncomfortable and hard. I told him that his comparison was flawed, because Boo's tantrums don't threaten my safety.

I am so wiped today and Boo just fell asleep, so I am going to get a nice nap and cuddle my monkey and my wolf and try not to be embarrassed about how much that helps me feel safe when I sleep lately.

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
He made some sort of analogy to taking Boo the park and how I will sometimes have to take the kids home before they want to leave and his understanding that it is uncomfortable and hard. I told him that his comparison was flawed, because Boo's tantrums don't threaten my safety.

Yaku,
I like that you pointed out the flaw in Ts analogy. I wanted to add that Boo also has a mom there to comfort him if/when he does throw a tantrum about having to leave the park. Who is there to comfort your little parts? I guess he is wanting that person to be you....or God...but are you there yet, here you can feel peace and serenity in your own presence? That takes time. Surely T knows this.

LG - Once I told T that, he said he understood and maybe we just need to be careful to make sure we save those interactions for the sessions where there is definitely time to make sure my transition out is safe. He has stopped me from walking out in a bad place before (he wouldn't intentionally let me leave like that, but sometimes it gets hidden or masked by those who want to get TF out of there).

Yaku,

I recently started asking my T1 to leave 8 minutes at the end of my session to talk about "puppies and rainbows"....basically light-hearted stuff that helps me get to a place where I feel less activated and I don't get off the phone feeling abandoned. Unfortunately she seems to have a difficult job with this and either forgets or simply doesn't know how to transition to this lighter stuff. I think she feels like she is abandoning the serious stuff too soon and doesn't want to cut me off if I am in the middle of something important and we only have 8 minutes left. So I have to take a big role in controlling how I want my therapy to end. I've realized that she cannot do the puppies and rainbows thing on her own...its just not natural for her I guess. Her natural tendency as a therapist is to want to go for the big breakthrough on the heavy stuff. I'm hoping though,that after some more time and practice, she will be more comfortable with the 8 minutes of puppies and rainbows.

That's basically what I did when I told T he needs to pray 5-10 minutes before we wrap up and then spend a bit of time on easy stuff. There is only once since then that we haven't had time, but that is more because he will run a few minutes over with me to make sure things happen that way for me. We're not chronically running over like we were, though, usually just 5-10 minutes...with the exception of intense stuff like last week.

So, next session happened. It wasn't supposed to be another interviewing session, but some stuff came up. I am getting blanker in sessions. I know what we talked about and generally where the conversation went, but it's as if someone told me, "In therapy, we talked about such and such," without remembering exactly what was said.

* We talked about insurance stuff and how the HMO making me go through T (ask for his help) rather than take care of it myself put me in such a bind, because different parts have would react/project to either a yes or no answer.

* We discussed this other potential T if finances don't work out, my basic hate for women in authority (and some issues with females, being female in general). T went to a sort of "No matter where you end up, if God is there, you're safe" place that was pretty triggering to me and now there is internal panic that he won't really try for the SCA, because it's a good opportunity to get rid of us without being the bad guy. Yay, transference about dad not fighting to keep me and allowing/making me live with my crazy mom, because I wasn't worth protecting!

* We discussed some punishing stuff that gets used to disconnect certain unsafe parts and he started trying to explain why that is a bad protective strategy, even if it is efficient. I blanked hardest here and only know that there was a feeling that he didn't get the functionality that is there for a good reason for overall safety.

* He talked about wanting to see my mom play piano (he is a musician), which I wonder whether it was a purposeful trigger of some sort. He could go to youtube if he wanted that. Some internal panic this morning that if he ever did happen to see her, he wouldn't believe how bad things were anymore, because she is a different person as a performer.

* I have a few other snippets of random things that happened, but no real topic there.

* He offered to do play/art stuff, but there was "no internal permission" to do that yet.

Overall, I was just in a really strange, sarcastic, joking place most the session. I had a distressed period, but he was able to get me stable again before leaving. He also said hi to Wolfie again.

Just need to make it two days to my phone session...

Yaku,

What do you mean when you say, "No internal permission" to dot hat yet? You mean your little parts aren't ready/comfortable with that?

Hi LG. Actually, I mean the little parts wanted very badly to say yes and I wanted to let it happen, but I had an internal freeze by protective parts who need some issues (like how he'll respond to requests for closeness so there aren't any tantrums, LOL) resolved before T gets any more direct access there. So, I felt myself smiling and tried to say, "Yeah!" Then, I just kind of fell flat into suspended animation, wasn't able to talk or move or think and kind of blanked until the moment passed and we were already talking about something else. I kind of describe it like a wall of resistance which I can rarely push through...and when I manage to usually have negative reactions, so I've stopped pushing much except to test for the resistance. More waiting for safety to come to me, or communicating to T what the source or problem is when I'm able/allowed.

I'm really taking it slow lately, not rushing before there is at least a basic level of harmony about something. Sometimes that means ridiculous things like not being allowed to push the button to signal T I am there until a certain time or not sending my "mapping" journal entry I painstakingly worked on for a few days with the sole purpose of sharing with him. I am getting more OK with that patience now that I understand the protective and pacing functions of the freezing and internal "T access denied" type statements (literal comments with that theme). I would say "I don't know if that makes sense," but I can see from TN's thread on inner child stuff, and this forum in general, that this sort of ambivalence is quite common, even if it feels a bit more autonomous for some than others...

Hey Yaku,

I just want to second what you're saying about the internal 'no's to T. I know there's a lot inside that I'm not really in touch with, but if some part isn't comfortable with T or scared or whatever, it's like a physical block goes up that keeps me from saying anything. It also feels like that same block is that part building up a wall so that nothing can touch them.

The only way to work through it is to go super slow, so that's really good. I said something to my T lately about how long it's taken to get to the point where things are actually moving forward and she said, "would it have helped you move faster if I was pressuring you all this time?" Uh, no it wouldn't have. It's good you're being patient with yourself. Sometimes I'm not so good at that.